How can a girl NOT want love and stability in her life?

I would stop focusing on her if I were you and ask yourself why you're attracted to people who you can "fix". I used to be like that, only Id pick these awful guys and think I would be the one to change them. It made me happy to think that I was making their life better yada yada. But in actual fact, all I was doing was takin on responsibility that wasn't mine. Her problems are her problems, not yours. these type of people are "takers"-they will take, take, take on all your emotional energy, time, resources, money, patience... you, my friend, are a "giver"- you're probably a nice guy who puts others needs before your own and tries to help everyone with their problems..

I presume that you have a pattern of "somehow" drawing in these crazy girls. I'm not saying you're consciously doing it. Its a habit. Its become second nature so you don't realise you're doing it. Well now you do so stop it. Just avoid these crazy ppl. Become more independent and selfish. Focus on what you want and your needs. You can't change anyone but yourself. I would also say therapy could help you; simply because I was a "giver" type like you and therapy really helped me.. It's good to have the self-awareness to realise why you are doing it as well as recognition of what you're doing. Its hard to shake off- you think "oh next time wil be different" but if its a pattern then its highly likely the person will turn out the same. [because you've gone for same type without realising it]

I would also say raise your standards. Go for girls you actually like. I used to go for guys that were less attractive than me too. And I just ended up feeling guilty that I didn't really find them attractive when I was dating them. But how could I when I had settled to such an extent from the get-go? Right now though, I think you should cool it with the serious relationships for a while. Date but only casually whilst you work on yourself before you take the plunge into your next big relationship. Oh and set boundaries and standards for behaviour. Don't put up with cheating etc or just anything that is obviously not right. Stand your ground. It sounded like this girl had you wrapped around her finger and get away with murder, manipulating you with one sob story after another. I feel sorry for her but she needs professional help for her trauma as it sounds like serious abuse. Don't feel bad for not being able to help her-she needs the help of therapy etc because for her, this behaviour is deeply rooted in her psyche at this stage.

First of all, you can't fix a person like that. Often, people with 'white knight complexes' are people in need of help themselves. Unless you have the perfect life and no flaws to work on, you shouldn't be in any position to fix someone else or expect that you can. Someone who has survived a lifetime of abuse will understandably need far more help than a friend or partner could give, and it's dangerous for such people to take someone away from the help they truly need and they should be encouraging that person to get help from someone actually authorized to deal with it. That you would describe her as a 'project' suggests you have too much time on your hands and think you are more capable of helping someone than you really are. Again, turn the attention inwards. If you heal yourself, you won't have to run around healing others, it's a pattern of avoidance. If you knew someone was that deep into trouble, why did you take it upon yourself to fix all of that? First of all, it's an unrealistic expectation, and second of all, you can't be that healthy if that's what you are attracted to. Considering you don't understand what she's truly been through, you can't possibly sit in judgment of her now, and since you can't understand her journey or situation, you could have never begun to help her anyway. Don't date people you feel sorry for, date people you sincerely like. If you didn't find her attractive and 'normally would've dumped her' you shouldn't have been with her in the first place. A girl with that much going on doesn't need someone's pity and drama, she needs professional help and a partner that is attracted to her and can encourage her with love and support to get the right help. You can't take a trauma victim and expect them to turn around and be the perfect girlfriend, none of this makes any sense whatsoever, and then you're surprised it didn't have a fairy tale ending. Again, if she's interested in random sex (which judging from what you've said appears to be the reason you went for her) and has no love or stability in her life, it's obviously because she never had any and doesn't know how. That isn't your problem to begin with, so let her get the help she needs and stop trying to save people. You can't save people who don't want to be saved and/or aren't ready to make the commitment within themselves to change, no one can do that for them. You can't expect someone with that kind of past to turn out unscathed, it doesn't work that way. Stop blaming and let her figure out her own issues and find a healthy girl that you can have a good relationship with like a healthy man would and leave the help to the experts.

i'd love to have love and stability in my life but if I'm not attracted to him then it's not going to work out

From reading the full spectrum of the situation. I can only speculate of why she acts like that.

Coming from an abusive family and relationships, it's not necessarily her fault, those experiences shaped her to whom she is right now. It's probably not that she doesn't want stability or love, she probably doesn't even understand how to be stable or even how to love after so much hate, abuse and other negative influences. Again only speculating, her substance abuse is most likely another domino effect (if you will) from her abusive experiences with family and relationships.

The first few weeks, before she started testing you, she probably felt stable for the first time in her life and probably even love, but then she could've gotten scared because of previous bad experiences with other guys. Hoping that you would still love her if she did stupid, harsh and mean things to you. Because that is the life she's most likely has lived.

She is in a downward spiral, out of control. I see why you wanted to comfort her insecurities, hoping she'd change, but somethings aren't that simple to fix with only stability and love. What she needs is stability, love, reassurance, security, constant care.

I kind of feel like a broken record saying 'probably' and 'speculating'. I'm just stating my opinion, nothing is certain.

I don't even know where to begin with her having sex with 6 other guys. Again, probably it having to deal with her past.

Other than that, the situation is beyond me.

I'm not even sure if I answered your question and was just stating things you already have. But hopefully, I at least offered another perspective.

~bp-p0et

Some people don't want this everyone is very different and wants different things out of life this is something that I would love to have in my life after college and everything but on the other hand one of my great friends wants just the opposite of this.

you have to make yourself happy by making your significant other happy, and it definitely doesn't seem like you (or her, definitely) are happy at all. I think you should just leave her alone, be her friend, if anything. don't make more than it really needs to be, you know? she's wanting attention in all the wrong ways and, I pray, she'll get over that soon. she just wants someone to hurt since she's been hurt so many times. I hope everything turns out okay. God bless :]

Ok, you can't make a relationship out of feeling sorry for someone or obligated to help them no matter how good your intentions. And, take this from a former addict's sister, you can't help them until they want help and they WON'T want help until they finally make peace with themselves. She doesn't want stability or comfort or love in her life because she feels really bad about herself and doesn't think she deserves those things. Or if she does, once she has them it reminds her how awful she feels about herself whenever someone cares enough about her to give her love and stability. I know it's tough and believe me I know how hurtful and downright nasty it can be sometimes, but she doesn't want to destroy or hurt YOU, she wants to do it to herself. She's self-destructive because that's all she's ever known and it's pretty scary to put yourself out there when you HAVEN'T been cut up by the world the way she has, so it must be a terrifying prospect for her to change her life.

Stop trying to play Captain Save a Ho and move on. You cannot fix people. She is used to the cycle of bad treatment, playing games and abusing herself. She probably hates herself and covers it up by acting out in unhealthy, but thrilling, ways. You can't save her when they don't wanna be saved.

She probably "wants" it because it is what she knows, what she is use to getting. She knows the outcomes of it, which makes her not scared to live that lifestyle [i'm guessing?] where as she doesn't know the outcomes of a healthy life, or possibly she just doesn't have any self worth or motivation to make a change.

Anyway, there really isn't any excuse to live that lifestyle. Sure, you can guide her way, but you can't lead it.

Because love is even more powerful than any richness or wealth that comes from money.

the world is full of girls like that, and they could be rich and with a career as well, but still so empty, shallow and mean in relationships. The worst thing is that they think they can get whatever they want whenever they want 'cause people think they are attractive. Such girls are really beyond repair and solution will only come out of themselves, hopefully not when their time is out.

Another point is: those girls are afraid of commitment, they'll make you believe they are so picky and they don't worth a dime themselves as you see. From a distance you'd be grossed out about being in a relationship with her but once you are trapped in you start trying doing anything to satisfy her, at that stage she plays every mean game she knows with you, not to make you give up on her! but to make you magically more interested! then might threaten you with breaking up with you in a later stage once she knows that will hurt you so you work harder to satisfy her. Then she pushes you into the competition with other guys scene, not only to make you jealous... last but not least, when she gets bored she finds another guy and won't break up with you until she is sure the other guy is really interested just like you were at the start!

You have to understand now dude, what she is like is not due to former abuse and harassment she's been through, nor her constant lack of money and/or future, it's just her being the worst kind of females in the community, and those could be anything from low-lifers to women with seats in the parliament, singers, actresses... etc, anything!

And you should know, this sort of girls shouldn't be awarded with a nice guy that is going to fix them! the mistake that people make is to give them such a chance, please guys stop hitting on sluts like that, you are rewarding them, and you are only getting heart breaks, just make them feel they aren't worth it, or best of all, hit and run! the way to fix these is through health centers and correcting schools or something, NOT more relationships!

500 Days of Summer is a great movie ^^

"I wanted to give her the love she never got from anyone.. and take care of her and give her some sense of stability."

I know where your coming from brother really.
Boundaries my friend, the second she started acting unacceptable you say so or leave. Assume noone will ever change that is the way they are forever, and accept it.

You cannot change anything that it out of your control.

"I can't understand how she just wants sex with random people.. and no love or stability in her life.."

who knows the thrill
cant recognize love or stability
an abusive farther
absent mother
or a fear of intimacy.

i think everyone here has the same message

move on

You sound a lot like my younger brother. He always chooses the girls that are pretty messed up and thinks he can save them and out of thanks they will become loyal loving girlfriends. I hate to tell you but that isn't going to happen. The way these girls are now, is the way they are going to be for the rest of their life. Because of sexual and physical abuse she will never be able to have a healthy relationship with a good guy. She will most likely end up with a guy just like her asshole ex boyfriends or asshole father because that is all she knows. You can't change somebody who's been raised one way for so many years, so please bro, next time you're looking for a girl, make sure she is what you want, not what you think you can make her.