Just wondering if there is a guy playbook that tells men to kiss a woman intimately when she opens up to you? Is this a play to stop the conversation in its tracks or an intimate way of agreement?
I have been dating (non-exclusively) my best friend of 10 years for about a month now. Things have been going really great! He has really opened up to me and it really is growing into something amazing.
That being said - I have opened up to him twice about having feelings for him. The first time was when I was laying in his arms after having sex... and he was holding me... and I said "you are too good to me." He grabbed my chin and kissed me deeply and intimately.
Thereafter, we were talking about him attending a stag nite for a wedding he will be MCing. He said he didn't want to participate (they are visiting the playboy mansion) - and that he and his friends got into a real fight about it. He told me that it is because he thinks it's a waste of money; it's stupid and that he isn't at that point in his life anymore. He has said on several occasions to me that he no longer wants the player lifestyle. I told him it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and that he should go! He then grabbed me and kissed me deeply and intimately.
What do you think? Is he just trying to shut me up when I discuss feelings? Or is he trying to express himself without saying the words? I am so confused...
Update: Oh - and we discussed cuddling and holding each other. I told him that doing that "means" something to me and that if he wasn't prepared for us to matter then we shouldn't. He kissed me again after I said that... and held me the entire nite.
A month ago
Considering the context of your conversation about the playboy mansion gig, he wasn't trying to shut you up with a kiss.. he was happy that you felt that way about it and was supporting you because you were supporting his friends without just saying "yea your friends are being immature "or something like that. So his kiss was like saying "thank you so much. you really understand me".
Haven't you ever heard the phrase "shut up and kiss me"?
What he's doing is really common and there's absolutely no reason to worry about it. I don't think he's trying to end the conversation so much as to respond: "everything's good, so what's there to talk about?". Besides, some guys just prefer to express themselves through physical intimacy over blabbing. I remember having to do the same with my ex-girlfriend all the time or I'd have never gotten to sleep...
Men have been stopping women conversations for centuries doing this. It works, and we love kissing you. Especially when you start protesting your case. It's just a guy thing.
I do however, feel a bit worried that you had sex so soon with your best friend of ten years. Although you were friends for so long, jumping in the sack after only a month of dating could open a world of problems down the line. If he hasn't lost your respect for you, a month later, then I believe he's a rare guy who actually is crazy about you. But please refrain from doing such a thing. It almost always leads to consequences. Although you've been friends for years, your still back at the basics when your dating.
Thx for the advice. You are most right. I should also state that we dated for about 6 months previously. Just so you know. - A month ago
Question Asker
We lost touch when he graduated uni. We have been friends since as he moved to the other side of the country and moved back here about a month and a half ago. I also told him I regretted the sex so soon -- and he flat out told me that we could stop if I felt that way. He also reassured me that he respected me and that I was not a slut for having sex so soon. I know, I should have waited until we were committed. But it just felt right in the moment - we "made love" and it was very emotional. - A month ago
It sounds like you have a great guy who is short on words. But he is good at body language. Trust your instincts and move the relationship up a notch. Tell him how you feel and how safe you feel in his arms. Don't count on him changing his communication methods, and if HEARING it is important to you, give up now.
Thanks James. Yeah - he is a body-language guy for sure. When he has had a few cocktails in him... he lays on the "i like yous" pretty thick. About how sexy I am, about how he likes me... and that when he does like someone he "really" likes them. He also pointed out post-martini all of the little things he has done to show me as such. I guess I am just being sensitive because he NEVER plans another date after. He leaves it open...*sigh - A month ago
Answerer
One sure way to make a relationship work is to understand how the other person communicates and their small quirks, and loving them for them or in spite of them. When you decide you want something different, changing them is not usually going to give you the desired result. if you can love him the way he is, enjoy the ride, it could last a very long time. :-) - A month ago
I've only read 2 sentences and then I jumped down the page to your question.
What do you think? - There isn't a guy playbook...There's no "cookbook" to "do this- then that" in situations. No two people are the same. If you notice that he is trying to get you to be quiet when your talking about relationships- As a rationalization you could say he doesn't want to be comitted in a relationship or listen to these "talks". Additionally, if there was- we would not read them... you know that lol
Is he trying to shut you up? "you are too good to me" *kiss* - Is it a bad thing? He's kissing you with passion. This guy doesn't seem like he's trying to get you to shut up, more-so that you are his world and your guiding him in the right directions.
express himself without words? - Not the case.
*Sigh* This guy likes you, you two are dating. You two still have a passionate/intimate life which is a developing block in this cornerstone of your life. Don't waste your time worrying about things like this- he is trying to do right by you and you are doing right by him. If it becomes bothersome- say something. Don't freak out on him without discussing your feelings, do so will only harm your relationship.
Thanks for the advice! Yep, I shouldn't worry. It is developing nicely - but I am new to the dating scene after a VERY recent divorce - so I am kinda worried that this should be moving at a quicker pace - well that and we have known each other for 10 years. I guess time will tell. He is a man of a few words when it comes to feelings until he has a few drinks in him. He shows it in different ways - like chivalry; and making me dinner; or recommending books for me to read... *sigh - A month ago
Answerer
One word = Keeper. Your right, give it time- things will work out for the best. I am sorry to hear about your divorce but remember that this guy is not your ex-husband or ex-boyfriends. This guy is your new-boyfriend so he should have a clean slate. Making him guilty for another mans' mistakes only makes you look bad - A month ago
Question Asker
Indeed he is a keeper. This I know. He is actually my first love. We dated a decade ago - but because of circumstance we lost touch (he graduated uni) and we rekindled our friendship about 4 years ago. He knows how I feel about him. I will just relax and let it grow at a pace that he feels comfortable with. I know I am leaving my baggage at the door. It is NOT fair to him AT ALL. He deserves better than that. I guess I am just scared to be the only one developing feelings... thx again! - A month ago
Answerer
My pleasure, good god you are well manored and mature. I like that alot- just a 3rd person perspective.
I think you guys will do fine =) Good luck, don't be afraid of speeding things up but make sure that you both are comfortable (meaning communicate your feelings)... My standards are different then yours may be =P - A month ago
Question Asker
Thanks - very kind of you to say. Well mannered? Perhaps :) In this case I have wanted to date him for well over a decade. So to have this chance - I so don't want to blow it. Bottom line I am more scared about the prospect of screwing this up then where we are going. He is a MASTER at this game and to be honest I am intimidated. I can only assume I am one of a gaggle of girls he's dating. That doesn't bother me. I know what I bring to the table ;) The next date is up to him. - A month ago
Great question...I'm not sure about the answer though. I don't think he did it just to shut you up. If he wanted to do that, he could have just changed the subject or something
I may be a girl, so my opinion may not go as far as the men on here, but I believe that women tend to be the more verbal sex. Men are generally the "strong and silent type". I believe that by him kissing you, he's telling you how much he cares for you (in a way he cannot put into words... and would not do justice).I believe that's much more romantic than trying to explain how that makes him feel. You know how some guys get all awkward trying to find the words! ;) lol
Much like a picture, a kiss can say a thousand words.
But as far as your "non exclusive" relationship that is already sexual, why put yourself in that compromising situation? It's a dangerous territory, and if he cares for you, he'll want to remove you from the market IMMEDIATELY. Discuss it with him. Because if he cares for you that much, he'll want to let the world know that the two of you are exclusive! Best of luck
Thank you for your advice. Your personal values regarding MY sexuality are also noted.
I do agree that when the time is right we will have "the talk" as it relates to exclusivity. But for now I want to just enjoy the journey. Right now we live 4 hours apart; he just moved to a new city and I am recently divorced -- so we both have much to weigh in terms of exclusivity. I am going to take it slow -- and discuss soon. Date 2 is a little early :P - A month ago
Answerer
With all due respect (and I can't judge you, because I've made my share of stupid slipups in the past), but how can you take it slow, be undecided about exclusivity, but having sex... which is so absolutely intimate and emotional? I'm not singling you out, I'm just frustrated in general with how flippant people treat sex. As I said before, I can't judge, but I realized how serious and BIG that subject is. We make sex into a casual way of saying "I like you", when it should mean "I love you" - A month ago
Question Asker
I respect your opinion. But I agree - sexual intimacy can mean much ... and "making love" for sure is a recognition of that emotional bond with someone. However, I think often WOMEN over inflate the fact that sex is more than a biological need. Sorry, but I disagree completely. Sometimes its about getting your rocks off... while other times it is as you say -- about a true spiritual connection with someone. The quicker you realize the better my dear. - A month ago
Question Asker
I think you run into some DANGEROUS territory if you are constantly equating love to sex. Truly. That isn't to say that I do not understand your point - because you are most right - with the right person sex is an exchange of emotion and a release of that bond shared between two people. But feelings grow over time -- and sex in NO way should be the catalyst for that exchange. That is my 2 cents anyways. - A month ago
Answerer
Please don't think I'm a prude or an uber naive girl (I am not, I assure you). I completely understand the need to "scratch the itch". But I don't think I'll be able to ever understand how you'd be okay with giving a man everything. I've been there before, and honestly, you're getting screwed. Literally, and metaphorically! He gets everything he wants,and you're left with the crumbs (being held, feeling needed, etc.) but he actually doesn't have to commit to you.How is that healthy or fair? - A month ago
Question Asker
I value your insight. And you are most right in many respects. Commitment is a huge step - one that I want to make sure we are both ready for. Love isn't always about possession... it is about an act of mutual will for both of us. When the time is right we will discuss. Please know that I am the one stalling the discussion NOT him. We have also talked about holding back on sex for a while - and he is in full agreement as part of taking things slower. I hope that provides some clarity. - A month ago
Answerer
Well in that case, carry on... and best of luck :) - A month ago
Men don't want to hear anything emotional or deep and will avoid the conversation all together. What better way then to stick his tongue down yor throat eh?
Your answer makes the most sense, that's what I do when I either don't want to talk about anything emotional and crap, or just to shut her up. She thinks it's all nice and I go thank god she shut up now I can go back to watching the game, or doing whatever I was doing. - 23 days ago
Question Asker
Hmmm... I guess I assume this is the answer as well. however... he did get good sex outa the deal each time :) lol... so perhaps that is why he kisses... lol. - 23 days ago
if my guy reacted to things I said with a passionate kiss I would bounce off the walls! I love eliciting that response in guys. to me, in that context, it just screams "you are too great for words"
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When: A month ago
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