i recently went out for dinner with this girl I just met. I was unable to get any friends to go with us, so it was just the two of us. I have a question to ask that may seem stupid, but I don't know the answer to it. If I wanted it to be clear that I wasn't interested in dating her but just being friends, was it OK that I didn't offer to pay for the meal? Or was I supposed to still be a gentleman and offer to pay? Because I didn't, I hope she doesn't think I'm rude or anything
Update: IIRC, it was I who asked her out to dinner. She mentioned she was new to the area and didn't know of any of the nearby restaurants, so I offered to show her around.
13 days ago
idk maybe its just me but if you are not interested in a girl, asking her out to dinner in the first place is kind of like leading her on. I would think that you were interested simply for asking me to go out with you. if you didn't pay for the meal then you come off like a lot of guys now do...next time ask her to lunch or something
You ask - you pay. Or it's all in the invitation - you could have said I'd be happy to show you around some Saturday afternoon and not had to have a meal...or said let's share some time together as friends and I can introduce you to my friends...would you be okay with paying your way? If you are too embarrassed to have the conversation than either don't ask or pay.
It sounds like you were unclear of your intentions and she's propably at home wondering what the hell happened to your interest as you've never called her back. If you really want to be friends invite her to a group activity by saying "a bunch of us are going together to such and such...you're welcome to join us..." Then it's expected she's to pay her way - but welcome for her company.
Your response from CaptainFrost is totally off base. Read some etiquitte books and how to be a gentlemen...PLEASE.
I was never interested in anything more than being friends with her, which is why I've only invited her to hang out one other time since then. I'm actually interested in her cousin, but got rejected by her after asking her out, and now that I think about it, it could be because I gaffed by not being a gentleman to her cousin. I feel really bad about this. Should I ask her to hang out with my friends tomorrow? - 13 days ago
Answerer
Who? The girl or the cousin? Sure...why not if you like her company. But let me be clear - intention is the issue. You are focused on the intention of being friends with her so you have to be clear about this now and up front about the past gaff...she'll appreciate the honesty, maybe not today but in the long run, and have more respect for you. Trust they have definately discussed the issue of not paying. It's insulting most times. - 12 days ago
Question Asker
I'd actually like to ask out the cousin, but since she already rejected my attempt at a date with her, I doubt she'd hang out with me and my friends. So you're saying that I should tell the girl I'm not interested in that I only want to be friends with her? Hasn't she already gotten the idea by now since I haven't called her and I already asked out her cousin? - 12 days ago
Answerer
Gotton the idea? What she propably thinks is you are a player and insincere (because you moved on to her cousin). You are the one asking if your behavior is rude...so YES it's rude to not close the circle by being clearer. Leavong someone wondering and assuming she'd "gotten the idea" doesn't get you a friend...it gets you a women who is propably likely to cross the street when she sees you coming. Is that what you want as a friend? Clear it up. - 12 days ago
Question Asker
Ok so how exactly should I say it without sounding weird? "just so you know, I see you as a friend"? - 12 days ago
Answerer
Well - let's start by eliminating the word "just" when refering to a women, please. How about something such as..."Hey (insert name) I wanted to let you know I have a great time the other night and hope we can continue to develop our friendship. Since you are new to the area I'd be happy to include you in future plans...dutch if that's acceptable to you...so I might introduce you around...". I'd be happy with that and it settles you level of interest in a nonoffensive way. IMO only!!! - 12 days ago
Yes you were fully right not to pay for the meal especially if you only view her as a friend.
You can be a gentleman by being respectful and courteous but paying her way isn't something that people who are supposed to be just friends do.
In fact even if you were trying to court her, its not neccessarily a good idea to to pay her way for everything. If you specifically told her you were taking her out then maybe otherwise you're just 2 people out having a good time.
Buying meals for women does not impress them, any guy can do it. And I'm sure in this day of feminine freedon and power, that they don't expect to be paid for. Thee aren't the days of women not working and thus not having the finances to pay thier own way.
So no my friend you were not rude, if anything, her expecting you to pay wouldve been rude
What rock did you come out from under from. A gentleman understands that he should be paying for a ladies meal if he extended the invitation. You are paying for the pleasure of her company. Not all ladies are feminists and you ARE in fact being rude, insensitive to courtship and civiliized behavior. For a 27 year old you are remarkably unaware. - 13 days ago
Answerer
So Serm416 every time you go out with a male friend you expect him to pay?
thats not friends now is it,
insensitive to courtship? well you obviously didn't listen to the guys question, because he isnt courting her. If it was a courtship then maybe he should pay, although that can still be debated If you wouldn't pay for a male friend, then you shouldnt pay for a female whos just a friend, unless you told them that you are treating them i am aware that you are the type that just wants a free lunch - 12 days ago
You are not aware of anything. I frequently go out to dinner with friends both male and female and have successfully negotiated multiple payment arrangements. In fact, as I generally make more money than most of the people I go to dinner I DO end up paying...out of kindness for their circumstance. Courtship notwithstanding - he asked her for dinner. The inviter is supposed to pay. This includes friends. I am not a "type" - but it looks like you may still be under a rock. - 12 days ago
Answerer
Serm you are bringing an old mentality and way of thinking to a new era
Im sure guys your age were and are expected to pay a woman way for everything
you still don't seem to understand that if two friends go out together, male and female female and female male and male the person who invited the other shouldnt be obligated to pay
and you also don't understand that courtship takes place between potential partners. This guy asked A PERSON, who happens to be a lady to go somewhere as a friend. - 12 days ago
Consider that maybe you and your views are the problem - perhaps I never should have used the word courtship - but the second word was civilized. And our society says the asker pays - and in this instance - he DIDN'T make it clear it was only as friends...which is were the confusion comes from . You are no doubt someone who doesn't understand what being a gentleman really means...and are hostile to women in general. Let me know where I can find information about his "new era"... - 11 days ago
Answerer
You are the onle asking that person be treated differently just because of the fact that she's a woman. That's more hostile towards women than progressive.
If I payed for every female friend every time we went out to dinner, I would.. have slightly less money... Hes not saying 'will you go out to dinner with me' like a date its a 'lets grab a bite' kind of deal
i don't know why you have to leep insulting me, but 47 and single means you must have f-----d up somewhere with your ideoloy - 11 days ago
Well if you offered to take her to dinner, then yes, you should have paid for the meal. That's like inviting someone to a party and saying "okay, you clean up after it" Doesn't really matter if its as friends or as wanting to date her honestly.
Well if I offer one of my male friends to dinner, then its not expected for me to pay, so I thought it would be the same situation with her, since I only wanted to be friends with her. - 12 days ago
Answerer
Well I guess it also depends on how you asked. - 12 days ago
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When: 12 days ago
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