Ok I'm with my friend Amy today and she is telling me about her problems about not feeling like she is doing anything unless she is painting. And she is running out of ideas of things to paint. Then I go why don't you try to paint some nature scenes? And she goes why do you keep trying to give me solutions can't you just listen. Well I was totally listening that's why I gave her knew things to paint. But this isn't the first girl I've had this happen with. What is going on when a women wants you to listen but wants no input even positive input on the comment she is making?
Girls want someone to sympathize with their feelings. When I talk about my problems it's because I want emotional support but my friends think it's because I want them to help me solve my problem and that is just not the case.
A lot of times women want to vent and have the guy 'help out' with the problems, but not solve. Like if you said, "you're a great painter, and you'll come up with more ideas, you just need to get your mind off of it, lets go out to dinner or something".
I don't mind if a guy gives me a solution to a problem. maybe I won't listen to it as a solution but rather his individual opinion. no need for her to get upset though. But interrupting her while she is talking about her problem would be a different story.
Women are on the whole more expressive than guys about what is running through their minds, when we vent we want a sounding board to express our feelings to and to sort through in our mind what we want to do. Having someone tell us what to do denies us that opportunity to come to a solution and derails our thoughts. We do want positive input but not input that gives a solution, we want things like "i can understand you must be getting frustrated but I'm sure that you will find some inspiration, you are a really good artist is there anything that you think feel interested in atm".
Plus sometimes we just want to be a drama queen and will use any excuse just to vent our own frustration onto someone, who has no fault or blame for whatever is causing us distress, so that we can stop ourselves from exploding.
I think I understand. but guys think if we solve the problem we are ending the pain and helping you. but men and women think differently so ill try as you say and let her vent - 4 months ago
i feel bad that's cute you were trying but yaaaa man trust me women need to vent and if they don't they will xpolde all over you lol just listen everything will be ok !11
Yea we try to solve the problem to help them. but I don't want her to explode so I will let her vent. I guess you don't have to understand a woman you just have to love them. - 4 months ago
trying to solve problems a classic blunder - the best thing you can do is just listen & make appropriate noises of agreement & empathy. your friend is trying to nurture your relationship by sharing her thoughts & feelings: think of it as the kind of thing men do when they chat about a football match they saw recently; it's a kind of bonding. if you *have* to respond, share some similar feeling of of your own (but without solving the problem)
to be fair it works both ways: many women don't understand that when they describe their problems & concerns to a man, by default the guy takes that as an instruction to 'fix' the problem: it's part of the male imperative to "do". it's possible that if you explain that when you hear about a problem you automatically feel the need to help, your friend will begin to understand. it may sound weird but it can be a good idea to agree on some "rules" for conversation, such as your friend starting such conversations with "i don't need any help, but I want to let you know." if you're not sure about whether your friend is asking for help with a situation, simply ask, eg "hmm that can be frustrating - is it something you'd like me to help you with?"
it can all be a bit artificial sounding at times, but so long as you (both) understand the way each other tends to thing (vent vs fix) then it can help avoid tension.
i strongly recommend Alan & Barbara Pease's books about how male & female brains work when interacting - funny & good insights for men & women.
A lot of it is about female brain chemistry. When they vent it releases oxytocin. If you try to fix the problem it inhibits their venting process and the release of the chemicals. It's also at the core of what causes a woman complaining and a man simply listening to be a bonding process.
Sometimes a person just needs to vent their frustrations. She just wants you to listen to her plight, not tell her what to do. All she wants is someone to talk to.
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(Age:30 to 35)
When: 5 months ago
