I had an affair with an attached man, what should I do now?

My heart goes out to you, because your post is so quiet, sad and reflective about a situation that must be giving you enormous pain. You are clearly a very loving, patient person, placed in an extremely tough situation. Unfortunately, this is the peril of being involved with a married person who has a conscience - when an affair comes out, there's no-one involved who isn't hurt deeply.

It sounds as though your guy is going through a very difficult time - and is reacting with what those old-fashioned ancestors of ours would have called a 'nervous breakdown'. It may be that these problems are caused by the fact that he's been through a very major life change, and is clearly deeply unhappy about his role in the breakdown of his marriage, or it may be that his extramarital affair with you was actually a symptom of already existing problems that have now worsened.

He has been quite clear that what he needs to cope with the situation is some space and time. I hope for his own sake that he's also been courageous enough to get himself into therapy, as he clearly needs to talk to a counsellor about what he's going through. You are being tremendously understanding and kind in patiently providing him with this - thousands of women wouldn't be able to do that.

However, you also have some rights in this situation. You have a right to know how he thinks of you, particularly whether he thinks that you might ever get back together. Is he asking you to wait for him, or is he asking for space to be able to move on? And how long does he think it might take him before he's able to do so? (There can be no hard and fast deadlines here, but a vague idea would help you a lot). I would recommend meeting him and discussing these things, in as calm a way as possible. Explain to him that you love him, but you're not sure whether to wait, or whether to give up. Ask him if he loves you. Make sure he's clear that you're not placing any immediate, stressful demands on him, but merely asking for a description of his feelings. And listen to what he says in response carefully.

I think it's really important that you also protect yourself. You need to decide where your own boundaries are, and set yourself some deadlines. If he's been totalled by this experience, he might never be quite the same again - and you absolutely must not wait around forever for the guy you loved to return. It's good that you're already asking yourself when you should move on, because it suggests you're approaching this rationally with your eyes fully open. Maybe you should give yourself a concrete timeframe, which will also help you to detach yourself from him emotionally, should his state of mind not become more positive as the weeks pass (e.g. I''ll wait to see if there's an improvement by next February, and if there isn't, I'll move on', and conducting a kind of audit on the 1st of each month to see if he's better).

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best for the future.

And I sit here at my age never having been deemed decent husband bait and NEVER having treated any ONE let alone THREE women as poorly as this dude has... And I ask myself WTF?

He is having guilt feelings. Over having babies with two women... and TRYING to do the same thing with a third!

Oh Boo Hoo.

Stories about men like this just plain p*ss me off! But what p*sses me off is that these scoundrels actually get away with it time and time and time again because women are so blinded by their narcissisism as to think the guy really is going to change his stripes for them!

I am sorry to unload like this. This one just got to me. Sorry... but I have never been as pure out SORRY as this guy.

Let him resolve his own life and personal demons. When his head is clear, then you should contact him. I would cut losses and move on if I were you. Plenty of other men

Honestly, it is time for you to move on and let go. Don't borrow trouble. The guy is probably a wonderful man and he alson has his hands full. Real men don't cheat...do IF you began with him wrong, it's really best to cut if off out of respect to yourself and to allow him to rekindle the relationship with the person for whom he was blessed with prior to falling into sin with you.

There is someone out there for you, you don't have to borrow other people's men, problems, or participate in a world that is not ready for you as I've heard before. Be patient and wait for "your man." I'm sure you are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be treated as number one, because you are that. Right now- you're number what? Ok. Take a look into the windows of your soul (your eyes) and remind yourself NOT to settle for things that make NO GOOD SENSE.

Don't beat yourself up about it, pray and ask for deliverance for the entire mess and wait on your own blessing.

He left one woman and tore apart a family for another woman. He then has more children with the second woman, only to rip apart another family for you. Am I ant only one beginning to see a pattern here? How long do you honestly think he will be around before there is a fourth? I can only guess there are several other women in his past that he has not told you about. At least do not seek children as he clearly has no qualms about leaving them. My 5 year old would be deviated it my wife and I were to split. There is nothing I would not do to prevent a split of my relationship, affairs are not even a piece of my thoughts. Forget his guilt, let him have his, are you ready to take on Christmas's with both of his families? Are you ready for the eventual break break of your love for another woman, giving you a taste of your own medicine?

I had known a guy where I worked for 15 years. He had left his family for his wife grew tired of all the affairs. The guy was popular with the girls, and he was certain to seek out every attractive new woman who came through the company doors. Everyone of them warned about Jim but there were always a few who fell for his charm and thought they could do better than the last girl and live happely ever after with Jim.

The company at one point was was like "Day's of our LIves" because it featured love triangles, girls fighting, and guys fighting.

Jim was popular, funny, charming, and attractive, but deep down he was really miserable. Eventually, a sexual harassment suit came to the company and the company used the opprotunity to impose that Jim no longer seek any women related to the company or face dismissal. Jim actually followed the order for over a year until he quit for another company. I am certain he is still leaving his trails about in that company now.

Too bad, most of us actually liked Jim, but he has issues.

You never should have had the affair in the first place, that's wrong.
Despite that, if you believe in it, then try to work it out, enough people have been hurt already.

You sound like a very caring individual and I respect that. He has children with two different women and that is one dace you do not want to do. You appear to be a much better and stronger person than that and even though I have not been in that particular situation, I would suggest to find something else and you seem as though you deserve better, he on the other hand is still a little boy who can't figure his world out and probably never will.

All I can say is one thing...RUN

The guy is attached, what do you not understand?

The pressures will never wear off. He has children, by two different women. His priorities, not including you, have his work cut out for him. He wants to start over, with you. Perhaps avoid his real problems, and just start anew. Is this okay? To you it might. But it's a selfish act, nonetheless.

What you have to understand here, is that YOU went after him, knowing full we'll he was with someone and had kids with her and his ex wife. This was not the best scenario to start dating someone. Your own choice was selfish, and now the man wants to fully leave another woman in favor of getting away again. The point is, he will most likely do this to you too. And if you can't understand that, I doubt you ever will. In my opinion, you should take this as a learning experience. Get out while you still can, rather than getting involved. And start dating someone, who is as single as you are. Good luck.

You better let him go, before you end up on Jerry Springer or Maury Show...

Build a time machine, go back in time and not be a whore. Find some morals and respect for yourself.

WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING SINGLE BITCHES OUT THERE, LEAVE THE HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE ALONE. AND LOOK FOR A SINGLE FUCKING DUDE ! Seriously dude leave married couple alone, and go find a single guy! STop trying mess a happy family up. I must say you are a SELFISH BITCH.

i suggest you just move on with your life and not worry about him. if he really wants to be with you he has your number. just give him space. but don't stop your life for him. I know its hard when you really like someone you just want it to work no matter what. but sometimes its not meant to be.

Objectively - hummm... No matter what you think you want for the future the stain of how you got it will continue to be an issue between you. You cheated. And you are no friend to women but I don't sense any guilt for that or the immoral aspect of it - I sense you're upset that he's not able to just "deal" with what he did immediately. You're discription makes me wonder if you have a concious? You're very aware of what you want and how you feel - but show little remorse or don't appear troubled by the fact that other people (mainly his children) are being hurt by this man's behavior.

Now for my favorite line..."because I think he is a really good guy for me." REALLY? Imagine your younger sister (if you have one or your best friend in the world if you don't) and see how you'd feel about them dating a man such as you just described. You think you deserve a man who was willing to cheat on the women and children he created. He's that special because what...? He demonstrated he is callous, uncaring, selfish, selfindulgent and disrepectful. That's what you want?

So - the reality is - this is just another one your "casual" relationships -- that you managed to increase the number of people you have devasted with your selfishness. My advice - grow up - stop stealing and get some standards and respect for yourself by behaving like a lady.

YUK!

I didn't even read your story... your question says it! you should be ashamed of yourself! Put yourself on the other side of the fence HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?!

Do you have any kids, were you in a relationship at this time...or single the entire time you both dated.

Well, now this is only my opinion mind you. There is no way you can be in a healthy relationship with an attached man. Even if he left his partner for you, his head obviously wasn't clear about ending the relationship with his wife. He is always going to have the wife in his life due to the attachment with the children anyway. I've seen this happen to my sister. These guys usually repeat a pattern. If he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you too anyway. My sister met her husband when he was attached. He left his wife for her. 8 Years later, her husband went after another single woman in the same exact fashion and told her he would leave my sister for her. My sister intervened and got her man back but things were never the same. Guess what, she just found out he never cut ties with that other woman. He's been cheating with the other woman for the last 15 years of their marriage. Now, what does that tell you?