I’m starting to see my part in my breakup. My boyfriend & I were together 3-1/2 years.We never really fought ab big things.We moved to my hometown together & he lasted 6 weeks.He went back to NY & just didn’t come back.He said he didn’t have feelings for me anymore & he didn’t want to try to work things out.He came to get his stuff.I realized that I have been depressed for the last couple of years & I think it took a serious toll on our relationship.It has even affected my female friendships.My friends have told me that I have gone through periods of being pretty negative.I have been on antidepressants for a month now & I am back in therapy.I feel like the cloud has lifted & I can see clearer.I was in therapy while in NYC but I slipped back into bad habits.I realized my behavior patterns but did not figure out how to change them.When he moved down, I was still depressed because I thought moving home was going to fix all of my problems.He said he doesn’t think things could ever be different & that we would never work out.I am not saying that the break up is all my fault but I do think I played a bigger role in it.He said he couldn’t be strong for both of us anymore .He said doesn’t regret moving but the whole time he was here he was trying to force himself to have feelings for me.I told him if I were him I would have run away as fast as I could because he moved down here, gave up his job & his life in NYC & I still wasn’t happy…he had to feel like nothing is going to make her happy.I moved ab 2 months before him & said that during that time, he felt like I was not making an effort.I think he felt really unappreciated.I tried explaining to him what was going on w me but he said I needed to figure it out on my own.I would not want to get back together with him tomorrow because I know I would just fall back into the same habits& it would be an emotional band aid.I am trying to sort myself out because I know that even if we don’t get back together, I don’t want to sabotage my next relationship.I am just scared that I will never get a chance to show him that things could be different. I am going to NYC in December at that point it will almost be three months since we have broken up.I wanted to contact to him & see if he would just want to grab a drink. We didn’t break up on bad terms,I just let him go.I don’t want to seem desperate.I have not broken the no contact rule.I just want him to see me strong, confident and healthy to maybe spark his curiosity.Because when he broke up with me, I really didn’t see it coming.It was kind of like he snapped & ran away.He did have a lot going on in his own life too…sick mom, possible litigation, new town, out of his comfort zone, very close to his family, moved in with my parents, trouble finding a job he actually wanted.So, I think it was the perfect storm.Should I contact him when I am in NYC for a drink?Will it have been enough time for things to cool off?I want to show him the girl he fell in love w is still here.
Don't hate me when I say this, but you were the selfish one.
Anyone who leaves EVERYTHING to come by you is a selfless person. You said it yourself, he left his comfort zone to be with you but you never showed him how much you wanted to be with him. When you go to NYC in December you should tell him everything: how you feel about him, how you want to be with him, and how you were selfish for not appreciating him giving up EVERYTHING to be with you. If you don't do that, you're full of it. Because if you love someone like that, but never express your true feelings and he gave up so much to be with you, you'll never be happy.
As a guy, would that not scare you off? I agree I need to tell him how I feel and I really want to but I don't want to push him away. We haven't had any contact in a month and he knew I was in NYC last weekend and didn't call me. That tells me there that he doesn't want to have contact now but do you think he might later on? - 12 days ago
Answerer
Even though he might not want to talk to you, it's tough just ignoring him. You have to understand where he's coming from. He did so much for you, yet felt unappreciated. Of course he would not contact you, even if he knew you were in NY. You can send him a letter, that's probably the best approach. Ask him if he wants to talk, but tell him how you really feel. At this point you have nothing to lose. Just remember how he had to swallow his ego just to be with you - 12 days ago
I think you should sort out your life before thinking of starting a relationship. You need to solve your psychological issues and learn how to be happy androductive on your own first. Then you can have succesful relationships.
Well, I think you should write him how you feel, and see what he answers, at this point most of the guys stop paying any attention and they deal with the hurt differently. I am not sure if he will be wiling to go back where you guys where, but I think if you guys start something together, new , a fresh, then it will help. I would contact him to apologize, and leave the invitation open, for when you are in nyc... to go out for a drink.
i would wait for him to contact you. I know when we feel as though we could have done a better role in the relationship we feel down and out. But the truth is, the man is supposed to stick by us through thick and thin. And just because things get hard, or we act a certain way doesn't mean they should leave. They should stick it out and help us. I know exactly what ur going through and it's not fun. Time will make everything better, and if you are meant to be with him it will happen by God's will. What if you tried to contact him and he didn't respond? then how upset would you be? Have fun without him and find someone who will stay by your side through the good and the bad the happy and the sad. I am sure he's out there!
But what if he said that he tried to force himself to have feelings for her? I know that as a guy I would stick by my woman through anything, but if I have no feelings for her I ain't forcing it. - 13 days ago
.yeah.i really do think you should call him and just go hang out [as friends]and don't say it but make him realize what he left and let him know you can be the girl he first met.
I think you should take more time before contacting him. Reason being you have a lot of confusion going on ex, on one part you say that you could see yourself falling right back into your old habits if the two of you were to get back together tomorrow. You know and have accepted responsibility for the things that you felt you owned (honorable) but at the same time you also admitted that even though you know where your problems lie you still don't know how to permanently change them (this is what you said above, not me). From reading your story, which you did a good job w/explaining it, doesn't show me any reason that he would even be ready to see you. You had your opportunity to show him that you could be better and come out of depression and be a "normal" girl friend and you didn't. Now that he is out of your life and he has not had to deal with all of your problems or issues, why would he really want to get back into that situation again. If he was to see you, I'm sure he would be happy to see you but as soon as he has that gut feeling that you are secretly trying to win his affection back, he will be turned off. This is just "my opinion". My advice would be to just get back into your routine of schooling and focus on therapy so that you can make yourself better for "you" then later down the line then you will be ready to start another relationship but right now, I would tell you to spend this time bettering yourself ! But you run your own life and make your own choices. ty-lady!
Thanks so much for the advice. I hear what you are saying and agree to a point but I think mb I made myself sound like a complete emotional wreck. It really wasn't that bad. I think it was small things that added up over time. Bc we were apart for 2 months over the summer, I think he would have realized he didn't miss me and wouldn't have moved if I was that bad. He quit his job in this ecomony to move. I'm just trying to establish some contact not try to win him back in a weekend visit. - 26 days ago
Answerer
Okay girl, then go for it! If you really are "good" then you know better than I do. Good Luck! - 26 days ago
I would love to answer your question but beware, I am brutally honest. If you think you could take it I will dish it out for you otherwise, I will keep my comments to myself. Ball is in your court.
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