I think he was my first love. I know he loved me, I've never been with someone who cared about me so passionately. I thought he would forever be my guardian. I had the biggest wall up before we met, I was the most independent person I know. For some reason I felt safe.
I made mistakes, but I fixed them for him. No matter what mistakes he made I thought love meant you don't leave someone.
Maybe I was in denial for the last four months.
I put him up on a pedestal and I thought everything was wrong with me, when in reality he wasn't put together either.
I lost weight (and I was already thin), I got a great job because he felt my other job was shallow (I was an entertainment manager) and now I'm at an advertising firm. I am better for all the pressure he put on me.
But one thing is wrong. I am full of hate.
I woke up this morning in a rage. I dreamt of him and the monster he turned into. I dreamt I was shaking him and slapping and digging my nails into his skin.
In real life I never said one hurtful word to him. I held onto the memory of him being the guy I was supposed to marry. So I never wanted to do or say anything I would take back.
I haven't spoken to him since we broke up until today. It was 3 weeks ago I told him if he wanted to break up than he needed to lose my number and I wanted him to disappear.
But I couldn't shake the dream. It filled me with so much rage I felt like I needed to say something. Anyway, I texted him saying that I didn't know what to say but that I can't shake whatever it is I'm feeling. He texted me to say that he doesn't know what to say either. Just that he thinks we both handled everything badly in the end.
The truth is, I changed my life for him. He set me up as a perfected version of myself for the next guy I meet, and I know I will be fine. But I feel like he's a stranger, a fake and a phony and I HATE right now.
I'm a cold brick wall and I know this negative energy is bad for my health.
What can I do?
Update: I've let it go. I'm just bewildered. How heartless and cruel people can be, people who are supposed to love you. I'm giving this to God, I can't handle the resentment any longer.
8 days ago
The time will fix it. If not, you should immediately find another person and think just of him. If this will not help as well, just think about science or something which makes you to think a lot.
NeVer change yourself for another person no matter what even for your husband unless you are willing to do so for your own good, to please you and not to please the guy. Well, what you can do now is to forgive him and forgive yourself for whatever that has happened. You can't change the past but you can change your future. Perhaps, you can talk it out to a counsellor or to your trusted person (the go to person). Also, cut all ties with him and never contact him again unless you're over him completely (like not resenting him anymore etc.)
I feel you. I am in the same position as you do, I put my wall up during first time but then I fall hard for him, but I guess it's too late. Well, I am trying my hardest to get over him =( He seems so happy without me and has someone he's eyeeing for =( I just wish I can move on faster. Anyway, if you have those dreams, I recommend you to talk it out and forgive him. Let all your emotions out and cry if you feel like it, it can help you to get over it faster. Try to see the positive sides of this relationship. What did you learn? Also, jot it down and make sure that you won't do the same in your next relationship.
I've never hated someone so much in my whole life. At least before when I dated jerks, I KNEW they were jerks from the start. I feel like he tricked me and broke my heart without even caring. I have everything I've ever wanted in life except now I am cold, bitter, angry and full of the most negative energy. I wish he would say he was sorry, instead he still makes me feel like it was my fault. I hate him. I hate him for lying to me after so long convincing me he was honest. I wish he was dea - 14 days ago
oh nooo :( first love is always gonna be a pain after a break up but find something that will distract you from thinking about him.. I know how you feel like..i was a mess when I broke up with my first love.. and to take him off of my mind I took sleeping pills to force myself to sleep so I don't think about him but it didn't help cus I keep dreaming about him :[ I still think of him even today and I hate him soo cause of the scar he left me with.. but you have to just keep trying to forget about him even if it seems like everything reminds of him.. its gonna be hard but you gotta really try hard to just forget it.. just know that there is a better man for you out there and leave it in the pastt~ don't be a mess becauase of him just stay strong :) don't make your past with him ruin what you have in front of you!
I just don't understand it. I am a better person all around than when I met him. I know I am beautiful and that I could get any guy I want. But I don't understand why he lied to me. Why did he stop loving me and I didn't? I know he loved me and I did nothing wrong. He was obsessed with me in the beginning and now I'm a better person than I was before. Now the caring guy I met is cold and told me "he wishes me the best". I am so angry I am thinking the most evil hateful things towards hi - 14 days ago
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When: 14 days ago
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