I will try to be as succinct as possible here. My live-in boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me when I found out that I was accepted in to a PhD program out of state (I was not admitted into any of the local schools). He told me that he wanted me to leave, he didn't want to consider moving with me, and that it was time to end this. We weren't perfect, but had been getting along well until that moment when he stated that he felt "resigned".
We are still living together (as friends/roommates) until I move, which leaves time to talk about a lot of things. Our most recent discussion was about him feeling weird that he was sleeping alone (I started sleeping on the couch), and that I felt that we just gave-up when we realized that a relationship was work. Don't get me wrong, I believe that any relationship worth having involves "work" and effort to keep it strong. But, he cited that we just stopped communicating with each other (we do have different communication styles), but I told him that we never really gave ourselves good tools to communicate with each other effectively.
I know people who have broken-up with each other a few times before deciding that they were going to be together and just make it work (they're all married). They go to counseling, they work at improving the relationship because they commit to it, they expect and accept their differences, but appreciate them as well, etc. As in our case, in each of those relationships the men were divorces from first marriages.
Us, well we read a book, and never gave ourselves the opportunity to speak with someone who has any professional license to comment on communication styles and differences.
My goals have been the same since we first met, it was WELL known that I did not want to live with JUST a "boyfriend" (I expected a commitment, he agreed), I wanted to continue to a PhD, my interests - the same, etc.
He recently mentioned to me that he misses how things were between us, he's asked about my new apartment in the city where I am moving to. He's told me a couple of times (if asked) that he'd like to come visit me, etc. We have apologized to each other for the mistakes we've made, but he keeps expressing his sorrow for how this has turned out. I am not really sure how to respond to all of this, especially when the apology for the outcome keeps emerging.
I am really trying to move on, but it is so much more difficult than I really want it to be, especially when I live with him and want the pain to just go away. Are his statements of remorse or doubt or confusion? Should I even hold onto hope for anything between us? Should I even continue to discuss these things with him?
Update: Thanks for your input everyone. I can't seem to get clarity until I leave. Some people say that they don't think the story is over between us, based on how he responds to my questions. He says the sooner we both move-on the better.
3 months ago
Well two words sums it up left behind. In other words does he have any reservations that you are getting a PHD? One of my ex's got hers and I was afraid she would break up with me because I was just going for my bachelors (break up did happen because of her school). I would set him down and ask him if it is the PHD that bothers him or the move. You are experiencing something that will be more common for my generation which is that women are excelling to a point that almost intimidates men. I mean I was happy for my Ex but I always got really defensive when we talked because she would almost lord her degree over me and how much more school she had. It even got worse when she would be making $20,000-$30,000 a year more than me. This effected my ego but also put her into a train of thought that led her to believe that she would be supporting us both (not what the plan was). I can see his reservations about it but try talking to him because he may just feel left behind and thinks that you may find someone better (almost like he is a temporary Boyfriend until you graduate then you'll find somebody closer to your status of education).
He says that we are different, but he couldn't articulate any of them to help up understand what they were. (The ones that I articulated that I think may be annoying are the EXACT same things that he does - which aren't differences) I asked for help so that I can close the chapter, and I wished we could have made each other better people together. He said that he wished he understood himself better so that he could help me. I guess he really doesn't know. He agreed we still love each other. - 3 months ago
I don't know his level of education, but it sounds to me (regardless of what he says) that he probably never consider you moving away or getting the PhD at all. He probably feels insecure of your determination to continue with your education and since you haven't changed your mind he is having doubts. I don't think he meant to break up with you, I think he wants to feel reassured that he is still priority in your life. Be honest and ask him if he is willing to work it out with you and make him feel that he is still a very important part of your life and that he does not have to compete with your education. They are different things. Good luck.
I suppose you are right. I told him that it would be best for me to move out in 30 days (out east, not some local temporary place) in order to heal. I don't think that the expected me to leave sooner than I originally planned. He has a masters in fine arts, so he's been to the rodeo. I am honestly thinking that he's just confused, he can't give me a reason as to WHAT the differences are between us so great that it won't work. I guess he was looking for any reason to break it off? - 3 months ago
I met a guy last year in one of my classes. We became friends and started hanging out a whole lot. I even started to get a little crush on him - but,...
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