Well this will be a long post, so I hope I don't bore you, and would appreciate any and all advice.
I have had a friends with benefits before, call her up, do our thing, that's it. It was light, fun, and most of all safe, no connections either.
My girlfriend and I of 2 + years broke up 2 months ago and I have wanted to get back together since because I feel confident in what we could have. She on the other hand says while she is "open minded" about the future, at THIS point she just doesn't see it happening. As we all know, people and things do change. Well this week we decided to sleep together, and like usual it was INCREDIBLE. I can speak for both of us it was in no way just "getting off", it was more than that. We still do love each other and voiced it to each other. We spent 2 days together making love and having a great time being the old "us", best friends. Here is her main concern and was before this: if we do sleep together, I will take it as a sign that we are getting back together and that freaks her out as she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Well, I DO want to be with her, just not right now. In my head I realize that I have my own issues to deal with and so does she. She on the the other hand said the 2 days were incredible sex and she "had her best friend back" but in no way wants to pursue a relationship, IS open minded about the future, just at this point her gut says IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. My issue is that I need to be more confident and independant, but more importantly not HANG ON TO an outcome. I know I have been thinking to myself that if these past two days (which seemed like a temporary relationship to me if you know what I mean) are anything like what we COULD have together, I DO want that. We have committed to sleeping with only eachother, and if we do sleep with someone else we promise to tell the other person. "no strings attached, we are both free to do what we want, and date as much as we want".heres where I am REALLY confused, while she SAYS she wants options and wants to date and have the OPTION to sleep around, her and I BOTH know she is not the sleeping around type, she just "wants that option" because she does not want to commit to anything right now. How do I let go of "an attached outcome"? How do I know if we WILL be in a relationship again? Am I simply setting myself up to be hurt? Since we love eachother, and we are enjoying this "fling thing" (albeit it is more than simply sex) would/could we work out again? I DO want the relationship and she doesn't, so how do I move on from giving myself false hope yet enjoying what we got? Is there any way of knowing if SHE will want more? again the 2 days was not just sex, it was a BETTER version of us, and I told her it seemed to me like a "mini relationship" while she saw it as AMAZING sex and "her best friend back. I know I am an emotional reck, but I would greatly appreciate your help. 27swm, THANKS!
Update: Thanks again, couple more things. She wants: occasional incredible sex, hang out/watch movies etc at times, "keep it light", no commitments" and have our own lives. (seems to me everything that our relationship SHOULD HAVE been except without commitment)
3 months ago
Update: also, she said "you are back to being the guy I fell in love with"
3 months ago
Update: also, I tried to get over "us" by sleeping with someone else, and my ex said "it hurts, I feel almost cheated on , but I know in my head that you can do whatever you want" darnit this is really hard!
3 months ago
Ok.you're treading on dangerous ground here. The thing is, you two are having a realtionship without the label. I did this for 6 years hoping that my BFWB (best friend with benefits) would wake up and realize what we had. The problem? We both would get jealous of each other and start fighting. One of us would want the relationship while the other did not (usually it was me). I kept thinking, "He's going to realize just how wonderful things are". Did he ever? No. Nothing hurts more than hanging out with "your friend" but not being able to have the relationship. It's almost damaging after a while. Friends with benefits ONLY works if BOTH people are in it sheerly for the same reason. If one has alterior motives (i.e. waiting for the other to come around) they set themselves up for failure. Be careful with this because I see one or both of you getting hurt. What can happen is resentments build because you wait for the other person to start dating you.
See I DO want her to want the relationship again down the road, again "shes openminded" but NOW her gut says no. I know I'm not ready at this point. it WOULD be easier if we both were in it strictly for just sex but its more than that, how do I make it work? I REALLY want to let go of any potential outcome and just enjoy it - 3 months ago
Why don't you tell her how you feel ? - 3 months ago
Question Asker
I did! and the result was the same, we both feel how we feel, and if I want a commitment now she doesn't want to do this due to being scared of the negative times we DID have before we broke up...but again "your the man I fell in love with"..wtf!?! - 3 months ago
Answerer
She's holding back a lot. You CANT have a FWB relationship until you get over her. The arrangement you two have is more detrimental to you than she. Be careful because you are going to get hurt. She is being honest and that's good. It's up to you to move on. - 3 months ago
Why don't you ask her why she doesn't want to be committed if she thinks you are such an amazing lover and said you are back to being the guy I fell in love with, if she wants you but doesn't want to be committed its not fair to you. Tell her that if she wants to be your lover, best friend and companion she will have to be committed because she shouldn't just use you for incredible sex, I think you love her more than she loves you, so don't let her break your heart. If you want a serious relationship and she just wants you for the occasional sexual thrill then let go, also, she should have respect for you if you are companions, you deserve a respectful committed girl then give her a great time and great sex.
I don't know if you would want to say this but if you get mad tell her that I'm using you for great sex, Basically don't let her ride all over you. Be strong, (after all you are the guy) look at it as you having the advantage if that's the only way possible with her. Otherwise just let each other go and take my advise from my first paragraph (find a committed girl who loves you enough so that she wants you only in her life) (that is true love) I will not except a girl who sleeps around with other guys, She must be committed to me, Or I simply would not want to have anything to do with her anymore. If she was just a friend and nothing more then I wouldn't care who she had sex with, but, if she was sleeping with me and hanging around with me I would want her to be committed. Good Luck.
She's probably not going to change, most modern women are like this.they don't want to be tied down.
Most likely she WILL hurt you because she will meet someone else she IS willing to make a long term commitment to eventually.and/or get involved with her boss, or a guy with a lot of money, or .? She just wants to be free of emotional ties so she can maneuver, in other words.Not something you want to depend on, is it?
This is what she means when she says a LTR will never happen. At least she's being honest about that. Listen to her carefully. A lot of women in this situation are not nearly so honest about their plans!
I don't know what you're looking for right now but I think your intuition is right; this is all just setting you up for a fall.
You need to find someone who cares about something besides themselves, in other words. You're just convenient for her right now, that's ALL.
Okay, from what I've read I'll bring up some conclussions:
-I don't think a relatinship should spin around sex. If you really want to start a committed relationship, you should tell her. The only way to let her know is to talk to her.
-If she doesn't want to have a committed relationship, then I guess it's time to move on, as rough as that sounds. You will only get hurt by falling into the never ending black whole, once and once after sex.
-Chances are if conclussion number two comes two happen, she might feel that she needs you in one way or another, so she might be up to give it up to you and start a serious relationship.
(Age:25 to 29)
When: 3 months ago
asked Yesterday
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