I have an on-off history for 2 years with this guy. Me 32 him 29. Met him as one night stand, no friends in common. OFF: he vanishing when I don't give up sex at first requirement or me stop contact when he cancel on dates ON: he comes back humbling and charming after a few weeks he's gone
5 months ago he was insisting daily for 3 weeks on a date. Finally we went out. Horrible date. Went back to my place, he was insensitive (sexual) and asked him to leave (me calm and low tone). He apologizing and crying, I let him in again and talked for 1 hour. He opened up and I discovered he's insecure tho he plays confident and he's very hot. Next day he came by, cooked together, had fun.
Ever since that day he's been calling me on daily basis (sometimes 2 or 3 times). He was pissed off I never initiate the contact but I wanted things at his pace, not to rush. We had 6 dates, some not including sex (he pointed out that). Its difficult to meet as he works on shifts mostly on weekends.
GOODS: he trusts me a lot. he being caring and talkative, drove me to pick new furniture, talked about family, showed me pics of childhood, while at his parents, I could hear them on the webcam, called me "his girl" and sweet names, he planned to do things together, even a romantic weekend, and he finally stayed overnight in my place.
BUT: - he put off plans - I arranged agendas to meet after 3 weeks and he went playing basketball - He offered to drive me to our home-town but I suggested meeting there as I Had plane tickets already, He said: "I will only have time for my family" - Euphoric when he knew he'd be transferred to home-town 5/6months
I didn't want to put pressure on him but last week on the phone I finally told him I didn't understand why he wouldn't find time to meet but do all those plans and phone me everyday. He said I was not the only person he'd often speak to and didn't expect me to want a relationship. Said he'd phone me next day to talk. Never did. All I got was, one week later, a "how are you doing" on the msn. I said "fine" and logged off.
I believe we are a perfect match: enjoy the same things, want the same things in life (including living in our home-town), and feel comfortable together, and there is sparkling attraction.
SHOULD I CALL HIM and ask him to try having a relationship as adults without playing games, spending quality time together? if after a few months it doesn't work, that's fine, we tried.
OR
SHOULD I WAIT for him to chase me again, and then play it cool and feminine, giggling, playing hard to get until he's the one asking for a commitment? (I had been very up front and clingy all this time)
Pls guys, what do you think? I really want to keep him. Is he afraid of commitment or he just don't want me?
One. Speak and write in complete sentences. Elmo speech patterns are for younger children.
Two. Drop this guy. Seriously. It sounds as though there's something not really clicking for him yet, and it might not get any better, especially at his age.
Three, and this is more of a commentary. I don't know why women think that playing hard to get is a good thing. At the very least, it's manipulation of the man you claim to care about, and it's triggered by selfishness. If a guy is interested in you and wants to be with you, HE will do whatever it takes to make it work. There is NOTHING you can do to convince him otherwise unless he's the type of guy that doesn't have a propensity to initiate things on his own (since you've indicated yourself that he was pissed off that you didn't initiate contact, that leads me to believe that he's not the aggressive type). And if you're looking for someone that takes the initiative, manipulating a man to get him to do what you want WILL NOT work out for you in the long run. You'll end up making all the decisions for him, and he will end up eventually resenting you.
Im not gunna say on off relationships never work because my best friend has had an on off relationship for the last 4 years and its only been the last year where they have realised just how much they really do like eachother! And you said you believe you are a perfect match, well couldn't you be a perfect match as just friends? If he is unable to commit and messing you around then you can do what you do but as friends, and without getting hurt like you do. Also, if ou have the same interests then that means you could be the best of friends
Tell him you want to be friends and then he might realize he does want you or he may realize that he just wants to be friends, which is fine because that means you'll have a greattt friendd and have time to be looking for another man in your life, who is going to like you just as much as you like them! :) x
I feel like ON/OFF relationships hardly ever work. If you two aren't making it work out smoothly w/o breakups, maybe you two really ARENT right for each other. Maybe you're going back to ea other only because the relationship/feelings are addicting.
Okay I stop after the first paragraph when you said he vanishes if you don't give him sex when he wants it. You call me an ex? Sounds like a long term booty call to me. Everything you wrote about him just sounds like a friend with benefits. Nothing kind, loving or tender. You may enjoy the same things but you don't want the same things out of life. He wants sex, you want love. He runs away unless you give him sex. Why would you chase this man and make yourself look like a fool. You said he transferred away from you and doesn't have time for you . Sounds like a winner, sign me up! Does he have a brother? Okay, joking aside. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He want you for sex and companionship but not real committment. This is every mans dream. You could find many men who would play this game with you.. Why stick to just him? Again why do you want to keep him, HE DOESNT WANT A COMMITMENT! Read everything you wrote to me and tell me how any of that signals commitment babydoll. Do me a big favor, best book I ever got in my life "Hes just not that into you." Pick it up and read it. It breaks down how us woman always try to read more into the situation than is really there. He already told you how he feels many times, you just don't want to hear it.
does not sound like a guy you want to keep anyways! why? cause 2 common themes seem to be in your story: 1) he's unreliable and 2) he seems to mostly want to be with you for the sex. no I won't deny that in general guys are unreliable and want sex but he seems to go overboard with both things.
though since you guys have things in common that you mentioned maybe things can work out. I think he doesn't want commitment, which is alright if he were still young but he's already 29! Or maybe he's just not that into you. I say wait for him to contact you and if he doesn't in a few weeks [not days] then contact him asking if everything's okay. And if after a few minutes of talking he doesn't ask for you guys to get together again then forget about him. If he does ask that then, maybe he's a keeper. [a lot of "maybe"'s, I know.]
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(Age:30 to 35)
When: 10 months ago
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