Hi Guys, I need advice with the following situation:
I got close to this guy about a month ago and we had a great start. We were talking everyday for hours, and had also gotten intimate to a certain level. Things were great all the times we met up. Continuous phone calls, messages, etc were all part of it. He wouldn't call it a relationship because he said we needed to be sure first. So even though we were dating, he wouldn't refer to it as a relationship.
However, a few days ago he was joking around and said a few things that made me upset. First he said, his friend was coming shortly so "he got saved". I took that as "got saved" in the sense that I won't have to talk to you for long. Then, he joked about this other mutual guy friend that he has a great job and stuff and that I should date him. I got mad at that and he said I shouldn't be mad because we weren't even in a relationship. I told him we would talk later. He realized I was angry and asked me a few times to talk about it now on phone or come on messenger so we can talk. I didn't want to say anything mean to hurt him so I told him he should go see his friend and we'll talk later. This was late night so I messaged him next morning saying I don't like being mad at him so let's forget about last night. However, he messaged back saying he had a rough sleep last night because of our conversation and that after all this; he believes we should just remain friends.
He said it was a little joke and I couldn't take it. Aside from that he says he knows I need an honest man, but he's not someone who would go about telling everything like where he is; what he is upto etc. I know I can trust this guy with it. However, he thinks I will want to know all that and he doesn't even tell that to his own family so doesn't think he would want to do it with a girl. I did tell him that I don't need to know but he says he knows deep down I want to.
I can't believe someone would get upset over a small thing like that. Perhaps my approach was wrong but I went over same day and apologized about things and tried to make him understand but he said he can't go back. He wouldn't look at me and said that was his weakness and even though I was in tears, he did hold me but still wouldn't change his mind. His eyes were swollen as he hadn't slept all night and perhaps had even had tears in eyes. Next morning, I called in sick at work...waited outside his place for 7 hours till he woke up and spent some time with him and at the end of the day still asked him if his decision was set, he said yes.
He is turning 23. He believes that we can work it out short term but his guts tell him that we won't be able to work it out long term so we should end it now. I find it difficult because I believe he didn't give us enough of a chance to make that decision. He also says that personally he wants to keep it going... his personal decision would be different but he thought about US as an outsider's perspective ..cont'd
Update: and based on that; he thinks we can't work out things long term.
I told him I think he's running away from things. However, he kept saying we're amazing friends and we'll keep it like that even though I told him I love him. 3 months ago
Let it go. I'm telling you, sometimes you really like a person but it just isn't enough. I dated a girl earlier this year... we went out for... maybe a couple months. Well, we gave it a shot but we both pretty much knew that it wasn't going anywhere so we just decided to break up. We were both pretty sad about it, but it was the right thing to do. I'd say... try being friends. A couple weeks and you may actually be happier with that arrangement. It's not like you'll never see him again.
I think you're right - he's running scared from a possible emotional connection to you. Unfortunately, you can't make him grow up and "be a man" about it. All you can do is let him know you're interested, which you've done.
I think it helps a lot that you're willing to communicate openly and honestly with him, though be careful not to put too much pressure on him when it sounds like he's not ready for it.
Since he said he wants to be friends, you pretty much have to assume that's all he's capable of right now. If you want to, then be friends; if you're not into that, then don't. Either way, I'd keep my eyes open for other people!
What is your question? He has told you directly and repeatedly that he just wants to be friends. If you're trying to find a way to change his mind, I strongly urge you to stop wasting your own time and save yourself from the pain and disappointment of chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you. The only thing you can do is accept his decision and decide if you want to be friends with him or not... just so you know, you are not obligated to maintain a friendship with him if that isn't what you're looking for. There are so many glaring red flags in your question that tell me this relationship isn't right for you... it is not a good sign that you are crying, missing work, and sitting outside of his house for 7 HOURS just to try to convince him to change his mind. If this were healthy relationship worth pursuing, it would not be having this self-destructive effect on you.
You need to listen to what he has told you and accept the fact that you cannot change another person. He has done his part by clearly communicating his intentions, and you are flat-out denying that what he told you is real. Maybe it's time to look within yourself and figure out why you desperately want to be with someone who keeps pushing you away, then set some standards for yourself and find a guy who wants the same things you do.
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