About 4 years ago I dated a guy for 6 months. After I broke up with him, we stayed pretty close friends. Throughout the years, he has asked me to give him a second chance many different times and I always turned him down. He's a really great guy and we had a great relationship when we together, but he hurt one of my closest friends and I'm worried that if I take him back, it will either hurt her feelings or make her angry at me. The guy and I have always had a really close connection but I'm just not sure if I should give him a second chance.
During the past 6 or 7 months, I thought he had finally moved on because he had stopped pressuring me to give him a second chance. Then today he sent me an email telling me that he still had some love letters I had written him and that they reminded him of the good times that we had when we were together. Does this mean that he still wants me back?
Also, at the end of this summer, he'll be transferring to another college a long distance from where I will be attending college. With this in mind, if he really does want me, should I finally give him a second chance?
I think you could give him a 2nd chance, but only if you warn him first. Tell him that if he hurts you, you'll never talk to him again. ( Obviously he'll promise that he won't hurt you, but talk is cheap ).
Then you could give it a try. But hopefully your friend will not be bothered by it.
There's no sense in asking her if she is okay with it, because if she isn't, she's not going to admit it to you anyway.
If your worried about your friend then talk to her first and ask her... May I ask why you kept turning him down in the past?
It sounds like your seesawing between your decision. All I can say is that, imagine the worst case scenario and ask "is it that bad?" and remember that taking a risk is a lot less frightening than the thought of it - the thought of bungee jumping is a lot scarier than actually doing it.
I turned him down for various reasons. Either I was dating someone else at the time, had just broken up with someone else, or was interested in someone else. He generally tends to ask me out when he sees that I want someone else. He gets really jealous if I flirt with other guys or if I'm dating someone else. Also he dated my best friend for a short while and he treated her very bad, and I hadn't forgiven him for it at the time. - 6 months ago
Answerer
Re: Your best friend being treated badly Leopards don't change their spots. If you know for a fact from first hand experience that he was bad towards her - and I say first hand experience and not hearsay - then tread lightly. Sounds like there are other issues at play which are holding you back aside from the ones stated. - 6 months ago
Question Asker
See that's the thing. I know for a fact how he treated her; but he's never mistreated me because he knows that I don't put up with that (He mistreated her in the emotional sense, not the physical sense; he's never been physically abusive). He's only ever treated me with respect. He seems to keep me on some kind of pedal stool and that kind of freaks me out but it's also flattering at the same time; it's hard to explain. But I've decided to definitely not take him back. It's just not worth it. - 6 months ago
Do you think it will truly make your close friend angry at you? If so, that's an issue with your close friend, not him. But if it does, it does.
It sounds like you DON'T want a long term thing because you want him to go to college and end it at the end of the summer right?
So what you really want is a short term thing with this guy that sours your permanent/long term friendship with a close friend? Why would you want that?
Does he want you back? Kind of, at least. He thinks about it. I can't say he'd leap at the chance you think you can offer, because maybe he's tired of being rejected by you. But he's not entirely over you.
You should talk to both him and your friend. To him, be up front about whether you want to try again, AND whether you have a design for it to be short term to end when he moves or NOT. To her, find out if she would get mad.
Then you'll have a much better basis upon which to make this decision.
Thanks for your input, please read my comment above too. It's not that I don't want a long term relationship, it's that I'm not sure if we could handle one. I've been away at college this year and he'll be going next year, so I'm not sure that it's something that either of us will have enough time to keep up. I have talked to my friend and she says that she's over him, but I don't quite believe her. How should I explain this to him in a way that won't lead him on and won't hurt him either? - 6 months ago
Answerer
I suppose the best way to talk without leading on or hurting is to ask him open ended questions about your concern, then, no matter what, listen and accept. Even if he says what you don't want to hear. Meaning, something like "Let's talk about us. What do you think would be good about it if we got back together? What would you be worried about? How do you feel about going out knowing we're going to be apart at school? " Then just take in and acknowledge what he has to say; no persuasion. - 6 months ago
Um hate to point out the obvious, but of course he wants you back! If he has asked you through the years for a second chance then clearly he still wants a second chance. He is not over you. And what does going to different colleges have to do with this? Do you want a long distance relationship? Do you want him back? I think it's clear he wants you, but you need to decide what you want.
You broke up with this guy over 3 years ago. Since then, he has dated your best friend and treated her badly. Your best friend may, or may not, be over him. Meanwhile, this guy gets jealous when you date or flirt with other guys (even though you have not been his gf for a long time). And, to top it off, he is going to be moving far away at the end of this summer. Hmmm. Sounds like you are asking for trouble by getting involved romantically with this guy again right now. If it goes badly, you won't be happy. But even if it goes well, your best friend will likely get upset (regardless of what she says), and then summer will end and this guy will go away for the school year. What then, especially given that this guy is the jealous type. Will you really want to stay faithful to him all next year while he is far away? And that's the BEST case! If I were you, I'd stay platonic friends with this guy, and leave it at that. Plenty of other fish in the sea, with a lot less baggage.....
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