First, background: He is 34, I am 42. We kid around at work, but keep it professional. We flirt and chat. But I think I like him more than he likes me, but I always see him staring at me when he walks by. He steals glances all day. For reference, he is a recovering drug addict and I confide in another recovering addict about how to have a friendship/relationship with this guy, as I understand he is in his first year of going to meetings, and still unreliable and selfish, as is expected.
He has canceled on me for lunch today (busy) and 2 other times, but he took me to lunch last week. Sunday we talked on the phone for over 90 minutes about funny silly stuff! It's always as "friends" but we talk about intimate family stuff, ex-girlfriends, what we think is important in a relationship. Stuff like that. I sometimes go into his work area, which is closed off from view) and rub his head (front to back) once, like an endearing thing. He has a buzz haircut so it doesn't mess anything up, and I know it feels good to him! Here is the Q: I just went in to say "hi" this afternoon. And he isn't feeling well (he had a shoulder operation 1 1/2 weeks ago and it's still sore) and the Advil hadn't kicked in.
I rubbed his head twice and said "does this help" he kind of smirked and said "yea" and then I kind of caught myself and said "OH, I better not let anyone see me do this, huh? ". His reply was "yea, we don't want to start any rumors". I said "what? " and he repeated it again.
I don't want to come out and ask if he is interested as more than a friend. I would think that it would develop, but if he's not into me the same way, I should save my ego and try to wean myself. (but we DO have fun together) I just don't understand MIXED MESSAGES!
So. Hopefully, I'm not over analyzing this, but I'm not sure how to interpret this. Did this mean that he doesn't want anyone to think that there is anything between us because HE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME OR He doesn't want to "EXPOSE" what is developing?
Please don't think I'm petty with questions like this. I apologize if it seems trivial, but it could be very important as it relates to developing a workplace romance which is difficult at best.
You said it yourself "developing a workplace romance is difficult at best". It's not gonna be easy, especially if rumors start. If they do then your bosses are obligated to quote out what company policy is on dating co-workers, which could be problematic. Secondly, he may like you and he may not, but there's only one sure way to find out. Ask. Worse case scenario, if he doesn't then you can at least stay friends and have fun.
Personally I think most people don't let other touch them in an endearing or intimate way unless they are very comfortable with them, or they like them in an intimate way. Him letting you rub his head is a good sign, our bodies are our own personal space, and if you don't want someone invading it, or if you don;t like the person who is trying to, then generally you get very defensive. He seems to be open to it, which shows that he may be open to more as well.
It kind of depends HOW he said it. Did he say it in a "matter of fact" way. Or did he say it with more inflection in his voice, indicating he wasn't really serious or concerned about starting rumors? Either way, I do think you probably need to go slow with this guy, given his whole situation. And you probably should avoid the head rubs in the office -- that could lead to trouble for you or him or both if a co-worker reports you. Good luck!
(Age:36 to 45)
When: 7 months ago
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