This work friend and I stare at each other a lot. He sometimes calls me on the weekends to chat about the same TV show we both watch, and we went out to lunch once, which was fun, but non-romantic. We talk a lot at work, he shares personal finance and family stuff with me, and I tell him stuff about my family/friends, so we're "close" but when I ask him to do stuff (like "hey, wanna grab a bite to eat?" or on a saturday (hey, after the game, wanna get outta the house for an hour and go do something? or "hey, are you bored? wanna hang out?) there is a "Sure" or "Sounds great" or some other version of YES which is followed later by an excuse or non-response...(not calling back, not texting, etc). We went to lunch just over a week ago and had fun and were planning to go again...but it hasn't worked out schedule wise.....but most times there are a million excuses, and he can't go or is tired or whatever...I know he's busy at work and he's new...so there's pressure, but he still takes lunch...and goes to the gym in the morning and leaves at 5:30...so he's not any busier than I am. But what about the weekends? We sit on the phone for 30 minutes chatting sometimes, but when I say "OK...let's go do something", he wants to just veg on his couch...or has to go eat with his mom (he's living at his mom's which is close to work temporarily).... He is a recovering drug addict, so I know some odd or inward/selfish behavior is typical, but he is always flirty and open with the other stuff. When I ask him about him "bailing out" he is apologetic and has a story or explanation...like we planned to have lunch on Friday, and I confirmed at 11 am...he said "well, I've got a lot to do...let's see how much I get done in the next hour ...but then, he left for lunch at 12:30. When he came back, I asked him why he bailed, and he put his hands over his eyes and rubbed his head like "sh*t I forgot" and said "sorry, I went home to watch tv at lunch and fell asleep on the couch". Does he like me and is just a flake? He is 35 years old!!!! What is the deal??? He's not an awful guy, he just has some issues. Geez, I sound totally co-dependent, like I can't get anyone else. But most of the time he is a sharp, funny guy that is very clever and fun to work with.
I've read your other questions, so I'm familiar with your situation.
It sounds to me like you're getting mixed messages, so you need to get some clarity. I would do a few things:
(1) STOP asking him out! You've suggested a few things; now it's his turn. Give HIM some control.
(2) Be a bit unavailable. I know this sounds like a game, but it doesn't have to be. You can literally BE unavailable! Go out more with friends and have fun; be a woman with a life that he'd like to be part of. And if he doesn't, you'll still have a fun life!
(3) When you do see him at work, try touching him if you don't already. I mean, just on the arm or something. Touch is an amazing thing for bringing people closer, even non-sexual touch.
If he is still in recovery, he may have enough going on emotionally that he just can't be in a relationship right now. In a way, it's a good thing because it shows he's mature enough not to get involved if he can't be there for you. You might have to wait a little longer for this guy if you really like him.
Great insights, thanks. YES, I touch him A LOT. Head rubs, knuckle bumps, shoulder/back rubs. And he comes to me with lots of intimate personal stuff, so I'm cool that we're friends, I just want to know if he is just timid (was with last Girlfriend for 5 years in New York) or only likes me as a friend. WHY DOES HE STARE AT ME ALL THE TIME AND SEEK ME OUT FOR PVT CHAT, VENTING, CONFIDENTIAL IF IT'S ONLY FRIENDSHIP? That's what the Q is for me. If he treated me like other staff, it wouldn't be a problem! - 6 months ago
Answerer
Yeah, it's very confusing. Why are we still having these problems in our 40s?! - 6 months ago
He just relocated from NY and lives w/mom as our office is about 2 minutes from her house. He is trying to find a local apt. I catch him looking at me literally all freaking day. He looks away when I catch him, but sometimes when I see him coming, we both wink/smile. It's not smarmy "hey good lookin' " its sincere, and he finds reasons to come talk to me. If he's not interested, why do this? I used to go in his office, and rub my palm over his head when he had a buzz cut. He liked that, so? - 6 months ago
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