Elle_b

Why isn't he asking me out?
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Elle_b (Age:25 to 29)     When: 4 months ago
Category: Dating

I have been working at this company for about 5 months. I have an attractive co-worker (we're both in our mid-twenties), who have been flirting with me ever since I started working, and started hinting that we go out about 3 weeks after my start date. We both work full-time and in close proximity for about 8 hours a day, so we see each other a lot!

In the beginning I wasn't that interested, but as time went on, I started to like him. He kept hinting that we go out all throughout, but when I finally showed interest about a month later, he didn't ask me out, for a couple of months! He keeps talking about the place he'd like to take me to, but didn't ask me out directly or tried to set a time for us to go.

He asked me out last week, but called very last minute. I told him it was late to plan for anything then, and said that we will plan for something the following week. When I asked him a few days later which day he would like to go, he asked when I was free and I mentioned the weekend, he quickly said he will have to let me know later and said something about not being able to plan early because he sometimes has to care for his sick parent. I do know though that he goes out with his friends quite often, and mentioned going to a party the previous weekend.

Anyway, we saw each other after that, and he continued to flirt with me and kept texting me as usually does almost every day, but the day that I said I was free to go out came, and I didn't hear anything from him. I am beyond angry at this point, mainly because I now believe that he thinks that I'm so into him that I'm willing to put up with this nonsense and will wait for him no matter what. I thought I was more important to him, that he would be willing to spend some time with me on the weekend (that's the impression I got from the way he talks to me and treats me), but his actions say otherwise. I'm so confused because he seems like a good person, and he implied many times that even though he's good looking, he's still working his way up to me. I've never had a man do that to me before, keeps running after me, but then doesn't go out with me! I'm very confused because it seems like he genuinely cares for me, but I don't understand what's stopping him from going out with me.

Note: I'm the type of woman who's only after a serious relationship, so I don't just date for sport. He knows that about me, even if I haven't actually said that to him directly. He also joked about marrying me numerous times.

Update: To TheDigitalSaint: I did ask him out, well after he asked me, but I did show interest in going out with him! Read the full details please.    4 months ago

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Best Answer
TheDigitalSaint
28579  
TheDigitalSaint
4 months ago
Why don't YOU ask HIM out? Seriously, make a move on him by picking out a restaurant, bowling alley or the like and invite him on a day you're both off.

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  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    I'm sure he's not saying anything that's not actually happening, but I don't like the idea of being the subject of workplace gossip. I know I ran that risk as soon as I started reciprocating his advances, but I couldn't help it at the time. That made me somewhat embarrassed and angry at the same time. I played it cool in front of everyone and stayed professional at work, but with him I might have been passive aggressive, and tried to avoid him as much as possible. My emotion took over my logic.
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    Thanks! I I did go out there to meet other men, which is not that difficult as men do approach me quite often. I know it needs more time than a week for a real difference to be had. What bothers me now is that I found out recently that other co-workers know about me and him. Not sure how it is perceived by them, whether they think there is something between us, or that we just like each other, but I didn't know that it was that obvious that I like him, or what he's actually telling them.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    Good girl, now go out there and date some mature men.
Show Older Comments
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    I definitely got you! and diversify I shall :)
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    Be friendly, but also make a point of trying to date other men in a serious fashion. Your mental real estate can only take up so much "male space" at a time. If he's 100% of your pie chart at the moment, it is time to diversify your holdings, you get me?
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    Sorry I read your comment after I wrote my second one. Yeah that's true.. I should probably be doing some serious reflection to determine whether it is a price I'm willing to pay! It's just extremely difficult to control my feelings and try to get over him when I see him every day, and when he continues to flirt and doesn't leave me alone..
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    but yes I didn't say anything when he said they were just "talking", but some annoyance on my part was probably noticed by him, even when I tried my best to hide it. It's quite possible that, like you said, he's not compatible with being in a serious relationship, perhaps just for the time being, but I'm just ticked off because, here again, he made it seem like he was. Of course I'm avoiding anything physical, and perhaps even flirting altogether, and would not mention anything about going out.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    He wasn't dishonest with you. That other girl does NOT appear to have any exclusive relationship with him and doesn't appear to have had one for some time. He's a free agent as far as she's concerned, even if she's not happy with it. There's no rule saying a guy can't be dating/sleeping with multiple girls and finally choose just one, if he's interested. From the girl's perspective, that's risky, but that's the price you often pay when going after a guy like him. It is a trade-off, not a lie.
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    You're right, it seems that he wants that variety! I really appreciate your help. Just to clarify I didn't ask him as to reprimand him, I was just shocked because apparently he has been going with her for a few months, all the while he was making it seem to me that he's available and not dating anybody. So I asked, at the right point and not just out of the blue, to let him know that I know he hasn't been completely honest with me. I think he also liked the possibilty that I might get jealous.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    He's probably interested in only casual sex, or at least with her. I'd continue to be friendly. If she drops out of the picture (and he mentions it to you, not you asking him in the future) then it is okay to suggest dating again. As stated before, refrain from doing anything physical and talk with him up front as to what sort of expectations you have for an exclusive relationship and determine if he's compatible with that. A lot of hot guys aren't because they like sexual variety.
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    Thank you! It turns out he is dating another girl! She came today to our workplace.. Others started asking him about her. It seemed that they have the impression that it's not a serious relationship. I tried to play it cool, like I didn't know what's going on or didn't care, but at one point her topic came up in the conversation and I said "oh you mean the girl you're dating"? He said: "no we're not dating, we're just talking", which seems contradictory to what I saw.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    Thanks for BA and good luck to you both.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    If there is another woman, at least he's refrained from trying to double-dip if he's dating her in the background and seeing if she's going to work out before hanging out with you next. It might not be ideal, but if he's attractive, that's not uncommon to have multiple women chasing after a guy. If you date him, you should state from date number one that you are expecting an exclusive relationship at some point if the two of you work out, just not right away. In the mean time, no sex.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    He could be dating someone else, or just work and life in general can keep him busy. I've had women show interest in me and I haven't acted on it for months if my work load or other priorities in my life dictated otherwise. A lot of girls fail to understand, (assuming there's no other woman) that many men do NOT place a girl high up on the priority list until she proves she's something special. Meaning our careers or hobbies take higher priority unless you're a proven "catch".
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    Thanks, definitely choosing your answer as the best :) but I just have another detail to add. So, as I mentioned he has been hinting that we go out to this restaurant for a long time, and in the last couple of months, whenever he mentioned it I got excited, or even talked about it out of the blue, just to show him that I do want to go out with him. Yet, it took so long to finally ask me out, even when he knows I'm interested. Could something else be stopping him? I'm afraid he's dating someone!
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    I think both of you are engaging in behavior to one degree or another of trying not to look "desperate". If you don't want to set another date yourself and ask him directly, then just continue to be friendly and flirty with him at work and see if he takes the initiative. At the very least, you're going to enjoy his company at work. If you don't want to ask him out again, that's fine, just doesn't be passive aggressive in holding it against him if he takes his time.
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    You have a point, and thank you! But I have a feeling he's putting the date off purposefully, because when I asked him which day we should go, he asked me when I was free, and I said Saturday, which is a day that we're both off. I asked him a few days in advance too. What he did is that he said he'll let me know later in the week if he'll be available Saturday, because he might be busy doing yada yada yada, but then he didn't let me know anything, or at least try to set another time for the date
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    He asked you out at the last minute, which was poor planning on his part, but he did ask you out. You turned him down, which is understandable if your schedule didn't match. Both of you have weekends off normally, right? You have each others' work schedule. You can make this work, but just plan it in advance if you're both so busy. That way both of you stop trying to look like you're not "too desperate" to keep blowing each other off.
  • Question Asker
    4 months ago
    I didn't say "let's hang out again". We haven't hung out alone yet. His original invitation to a restaurant that features an activity that we both have in common. A couple of days, he asked me out last minute and I couldn't make it, I asked him which day he would be available to go to that restaurant, so I did ask him out to a specific place and asked to set a specific date, but he was the one giving bu****it excuses.
  • Answerer
    4 months ago
    I read that part. I'm saying ask him out again with specific plans in mind, instead of "we should hang out again" which sounds non-committal. Taking the time to plan a date shows interest on your part and that you're taking him seriously, even if you're both busy and have other things going in your lives. Even with the sick parent, tell him that you've made xyz plans on xyz day and if that doesn't fit with his schedule, which day would work better? Be open to mixing it up, but make the move over

What Guys Said
  •  
    Anonymous User
    N/A  
    Anonymous User
    4 months ago
    oh so you like him based on looks ?

    omg I'm going to die alone :'(

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    • Question Asker
      4 months ago
      No, I don't just like him based on looks; as I said I wasn't interested in him in the beginning, but as I got to know him better, I started to like him. He's also got a great personality, of course him being attractive adds to it, but it's not the main reason.
  • FatalFury
    437  
    FatalFury
    4 months ago
    "I now believe that he thinks that I'm so into him that I'm willing to put up with this nonsense and will wait for him no matter what."

    When you were initially not interested in him, he may have felt that you were doing to him what you just described. Not all guys respond well to being played with. Maybe he is still upset about it and is now trying to get back at you. And even though you like him now and want go go out with him now, it is not enough to overcome his desire for revenge. You f*cked with the wrong person. Next time if you like a guy, don't play games of any kind.

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    • Question Asker
      4 months ago
      I didn't play any games! In the beginning I wasn't interested, and I was trying to resist the idea of going out with a co-worker, until I couldn't anymore. Not to mention that he also HINTED at going out in the beginning, and continue to do so; when it comes to going out for real, he backs out as I have mentioned.
 

What Girls Said
  • confused415
    3529  
    confused415
    4 months ago
    I wouldn't date someone in my workplace. that just turns ugly very quickly.

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