I met this girl about six months ago. We are both freshmen at the same university, both living away from home for the first time. The difference is that she moved here from an entirely different state, while I simply moved into the city from the suburbs I'd grown up in. She moved far away from her family and all her friends. To put the icing on the cake, her boyfriend broke up with her at the beginning of the school year, leaving her quite upset. Despite all of this, she and I flirted fairly heavily for the first semester (we live in the same dorm building, so we see each other a lot) and are great friends. I've brought up the notion of dating several times, but each time she gives me a different answer. At first it was "I don't know if I'm ready to date again yet" which I can completely accept. Then however, she started feeding me stuff like "I don't want to date friends, it would mess up a lot of stuff if we ever broke up" and talked about how I wasn't "respecting her choice" by continuing to bring it up. Both of these things may very well be true, but I think I know her well enough to know that she doesn't actually believe them either. About a month ago, things culminated with me giving her an extremely heartfelt letter telling her exactly how I feel. She was pissed. She was angry that I kept bringing it up and felt really bad that she had to keep rejecting me.
Things were awkward for a while, until I sat her down and told her that I was sorry for everything. Sorry for only looking at what I wanted, not what was best for her. Sorry for completely ignoring what she wanted and being completely selfish about everything. I then tried to make her promise (I got a "maybe") that when she was ready to date again, we would revisit the whole thing. Since then, we've kind of reverted back to being really good friends. This would be fine, except that every once and a while now she sends me these signals, a lot like she did when we were first courting, that she wants to be more than friends. I know I can't make another move, because if things went badly (which they most certainly would), I might not be able to salvage the relationship. The problem is, I'm in love with her. I'm totally fine with giving her time and space to work out what she needs to, but her flirting with me off and on makes that incredibly difficult. What do I do?
I don't think she likes you as a boyfriend. I think she flirts with you occasionally because its fun and girls are just naturally flirtatious, even with guys they don't have an interest in.
There is a term for what is going on here: you are her "intellect whore. " An intellect whore is a guy (usually) with unrequited lust for a girl. The girl may keep him around for a number of reasons, including self aggrandizement, intellectual stimulation or entertainment. Http://www. Urbandictionary. Com/define. Php? Term=intellectual+whore
You sound like a really sweet guy, and this is not going to be easy for you. But you really need to just be a "friend" of this girl for now. The good news is that you have been quite clear, and she definitely knows how you feel about her. The bad news is that she does not want to be your girlfriend right now. I'm afraid she's been quite clear on that, too. Could all of this change later? Yes, of course. But for now, the best thing you can do is accept her decision, and just be the best friend you can be -- with no pressure for anything more. Since you love this girl, that's going to be difficult, I know. But it's your best chance. Be prepared for nothing to change for the rest of this school year. With luck, next year will be your year! Hope it works out -- she'd be lucky to have you!
Okay, next time she sends you a conflicting call her on it (in a humors way), as I can tell this girl doesn't like direct questions (she may feel that your over analyzing her ever move, which may make her even more upset or really self-conscious that she can no longer be upfront with you) and that may cause a rift in your friendship. So, if does send a conflicting signal, laugh and say. "k, so was that all about" and if she says "nothing" (and then smiles) then say, "hey why are you smiling so much". She will have to say something. Rather than asking her out, just let he know once and while midway through conversation how amazing she makes you feel. She will come around. You will see. You are being very patient and understanding. Most guys would not put up with that! You need to tell her how much she means to you. As a friend. Especially when she helps you out or goes out to do something extra-special. She just needs to know that you value her. Believe me.
Do you know of a good way to "let her know how amazing she makes me feel" without making it sound too romantic and thus making her uncomfortable? I'm not really the complementing type, so any complement I give her will seem blatant and out of place. What do you think? - 9 months ago
Ah, the nice guys. Always the first ones to get hurt. I'm not there, all I can do is guess from what you've written, but it seems like there are two things it could be. One, she doesn't actually want to date you. She likes you as a friend, she likes having somebody there who likes her and she can flirt with and will always be around and make her feel wanted. She is purposely leading you on because of that and if that's the case. She really isn't worth your time. Stay friends with her, but make sure she knows that you aren't wasting all of your thoughts and time just to make her feel special. The other thing that could be happening is that she actually DOES like you, but really isn't wanting to date, even though it's been six months since her last boyfriend.
That seems like longer than most girls would stay out of the game, but maybe she's one of the few who stays like that for that long. As long as she's not dating any other boys then that could be the case. But one thing I am pretty sure of is that trying to convince her to date you and trying to extract promises from her is only hurting your case. The reason nice guy's end up not getting the girl in so many cases is because so much of attraction is subconscious, and while girls like being wanted and having love letters written to them, they just can't find themselves attracted to that because it places you subconsciously as a worth less. It's the way humans work. People don't want what they can have any old time, they want something that seems hard to get, expensive, etc. Sorry if I rambled a bit more than was necessary, just giving my experience on the matter.
I think she is a nice lady who wants to be alone for along time. May be she will meet some guys to date or just to talk.
My advice is that you better move up. Meet another lady and let this girl to search for you. I'm pretty sure she will do, but don't you think she will date with you, she won't.
I think even though you may love her you should kinda of ignore the mixed signs. They will drive you nuts, give her a lil while longer. Say maybe a month and see how things turn out just as friends. Hope it works out for you!
I think you're right in that I should see how the "friends" thing pans out, but what would you suggest I do if she is still flirting after some more time has past? - 9 months ago
She might not even realize she is flirting with you. She already knows how you feel about her, so I would just leave it at that. But don't give up, she can still change her mind. Were women we are very complicated. - 9 months ago
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(Age:18 to 24)
When: 9 months ago
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