About 4 - 5 days a week, I workout for 60-90 minutes. There is a woman (married and stays at home with 3 children) who is always there at the same time. Several weeks ago she started smiling at me. Then on occasion she would come up and briefly engage in small chat with me. I am married as well and I try to resist the temptation to look because to tell you the truth it is very difficult to stare away. When I look at her she looks away and when she looks at me I look away. When we engage in conversation, she talks about her husband and I talk about my wife and children. Very confusing read to me.
It sounds as though she finds you attractive. Personally if I found someone attractive and started talking to them I would bring up my fiance as a way to keep my boundaries up. It may be her way of letting you know she doesn't want any kind of fling. But her looking at you may be an indication that she finds you physically appealing. There's nothing wrong with looking and talking platonically. Anything beyond that is not good in my opinion.
I have difficulty stretching out next to her let alone exercising near a machine, bench, or cardio piece of equipment. It is so difficult to stare away but I am trying my hardest to do so. I think I need help! Simple flirt -> crush -> infatuation -> road to no turning back (not a a final destination I seek). This is the only time I am available to workout. She keeps the same hours. Can one seek a platonic relationship while married? - 4 months ago
Answerer
Yes but it's very hard. You have to trust your partner quite a bit. You just have to be careful by keeping it at the gym. Because you have mentioned you find her attractive I wouldn't put myself in a situation that could be bad (Going out to dinner or something). Talking to the opposite sex while you are at a gym is fine. Just don't start helping her stretch or lift weights. - 4 months ago
Question Asker
Would you consider a coffee/tea visit putting myself in a bad situation? What situations would one consider "safe?" - 4 months ago
Answerer
Honestly a coffee/tea situation is not safe unless you brought your wife along. Seeing her at the gym is fine. But going out specifically to see her one on one is not fine. - 4 months ago
Question Asker
Even when we speak outside the front of the gym, both of us tend to intermittently interject the words "spouse", "husband", "wife", etc. We seem to both let each other know (I guess reminding that other) that we do have another. But we still seem to enjoy each others banter. What do you make of that? - 4 months ago
Answerer
It's mutual attraction. But that is why I say you should not go anywhere when it's just you two alone. If you really wanted you could have her meet your spouse and vice versa. But still if that happens no meeting one on one. - 4 months ago
Question Asker
Here is another curve. I see her at church with her children sans husband/spouse. She looks away or closes her eyes as if she is meditating if I walk by her. What do you make of that nonverbal? I feel guilty about having a "feeling" for her while I am there. - 4 months ago
Answerer
Why are you trying to disect every move and thought? What does it matter? You're boarding obsessive here. Does she consume that much of your thoughts? - 4 months ago
Question Asker
I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Now that I have your objective view, I think you are right. Unfortunately, she is starting to consume my thoughts. Are there help / support groups that deal with this type of "behavior?" Let me clarify about the church thing. She smiles and actually waves at me when I attend alone but when I am with spouse she tends to behave/react in the manner stated in my previous comment. - 4 months ago
Answerer
You're absolutely right. It doesn't matter in the end. What matters is what you have. You don't need a support group. You're religious...turn your focus on God and ask him to give you the strength to move on. In the end it's a matter of stepping back and appreciating what you have at the moment. Wife, kids....those are two very precious reasons for you to forget about this woman on anything more than a platonic level. And if you ever find yourself weak and giving in to the physical desires you - 4 months ago
Thank you for the kind reminder. I think you final sentence was abbreviated / incomplete. Please complete "And if you ever find yourself weak and giving in to the physical desires you . . ." - 4 months ago
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Question Asker
I think your reply was abbreviated. Do you mind completing the following? "And if you ever find yourself weak and giving in to the physical desires you. . ." - 4 months ago
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Question Asker
Hi Shlei. Your reply was cut off. Please finish sentence regarding if I ever find myself weak and giving into physical desires. Thx! - 4 months ago
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Question Asker
Hi There! Do you mind finishing your comment " And if you ever find yourself weak and giving in to the physical desires you. . ." It was cut off.Thx! - 4 months ago
ok here is the deal she is probably getting bored with her life and wants to spice things up put her in her place if this is true and if she asks you how you and ur wife are tell her you are planning a romantic getaway from work and kids
I workout listening to my iphone wrapped around my arm. At the end of my workout while I was stretching, she asked if I liked it. I went ahead and told her I really enjoy the phone especially for showing pics of my children. Which I proceeded to show her. She still seemed interested in chatting. I offered to let her try it out for one session. Over my boundaries? - 4 months ago
Answerer
That in itself is not out of bounds but she is constantly finding a reason to talk to you and be around you. Do you feel like there is no one else there but you two when you talk? Do you notice small things about her? Do you hope she comes over and talk to you even if it's for just one minute? If you answered yes to any of those, then you need to be careful. You could find yourself craving this woman's attention more than your wife's and you could become infatuated. - 4 months ago
Question Asker
To answer your questions - YES, YES & YES. Although, it is in my nature to talk to everyone at the gym or elsewhere irrespective of gender. I am definitely not a swivel head (ie. I do not look at every person that walks in the door). At least I do not seek a sexual relationship with this person but for some reason she is intriguing enough to learn more about her through casual conversation. - 4 months ago
Answerer
That is the start of an emotional affair. Now can you have a friendship with her? Sure, but at some point, you will start to withdraw from the friendship you should have with your wife. See, that's the thing about emotional affairs, the majority of the time, they do not lead to a sexual encounter but, they could lead to you giving your heart to this woman. And that is more painful than any roll in the hay for your wife. - 4 months ago
Question Asker
What would you think about inviting her and her husband into my relationship with my wife (not swapping or anything like that)? Inclusion of spouses so there are no secrets - at least no secret relationship from the gym. - 4 months ago
Answerer
You can do that but there'll always be something unsaid between you two. AND, the other spouses WILL get wind of it. This is about how you look at each other, smile, touch (even if it's just a flitter on the arm), and the electricity in the air. The air changes when you're are together and it will be noticed. But see, you want the spouses involved to get more and legitimate time with her. That is indeed very dangerous. Question, have you told your wife about this woman in any way? - 4 months ago
Question Asker
I have mentioned that there are a few "die-hard" individuals at the gym. I described them to her and finally described this other woman. Even when we speak outside the front of the gym, both of us tend to intermittantly interject the words "spouse", "husband", "wife", etc. We seem to both let each other know (I guess reminding the other) that we do have spouses. We still enjoy each others banter. What do you make of that? Wouldn't the physical attractions pass leaving just the friendship intact? - 4 months ago
Answerer
No, the physical attractions would not pass. You can mention your spouses all you want. Question, do you tingle when you see her and she starts walking towards you? Or maybe when she bends over? Do you get butterflies at the thought of seeing her in the gym? - 4 months ago
Question Asker
Q1. Depends on what one considers tingle? I try not to lock eyes so I won't get those feelings. q2. Not necessarily. (I try not to watch her while she works out. I try to stay focused on why I am there.) q3. Yes. (There can be 200 other people there and it feels I have blinders on.) - 4 months ago
Answerer
Like she will say something, flip her hair, or anything and it makes you say dayum! Then there is that little tingle that lasts for a split second. As far as the bending over thing, I don't mean that in a sexual way. She may say hello to someone and it will spur your attention to look her way. Basically, when she says or does anything, while being away from you, does it cause you to look her way? - 4 months ago
YES!!! To all. Won't the novelty/feeling eventually fade? I am a pretty good "poker" face. This morning was especially difficult for me to stare away because everywhere I tried to avoid her. It seemed she was always at a station at/near me. Verrrrrryyyyyy difficult today. Helppp! - 4 months ago
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Answerer
It won't fade because there is no novelty. I say that because it doesn't seem like you are a woman chaser, otherwise you would have done her by now. The novelty would be in the chase of a new catch. There is chemistry between you and it is attaching to your heart. You care if she is there. You care if she looks your way. YOU CARE! And as a man, you know that is a big deal. The only question that remains is how far are you willing to see this through? - 4 months ago
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Question Asker
Thank you so much Miss-Spicy. You pose a very difficult questions that I have replayed in my mind many times. It really is up to me / us how far we take and disclose this. Are you truly in IL and not in MO? You have the same demographic as the "person" at the gym. I think at the end we will have to mutually cross that bridge when that time comes. But at least I will have weighed the consequences / risks both short and long term. What would you do in my situation? her situation? - 4 months ago
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Answerer
Yep, I am in IL. What would I do? That is a tough one because you both have the same problem. Either you choose each other and the game you are playing, or you choose your spouses. If you choose each other, then you'll eventually lose your marriages. You can't be friends because there is too much heat between you. Either you're 0 or 100 and there's no in between. Wife or her? Find somewhere else to go work out or not but your feelings will grow in you stay in contact with her. - 4 months ago
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Question Asker
I guess there is no gray area. 25 of 100? I guess not only could we lose our marriages (spouses), we could also lose our children just because someone is paying attention to us and stroking or egos, filling our deficiencies. Is there such a thing as a one-time/short-term guilt free relationship/fling? - 4 months ago
(Age:36 to 45)
When: 4 months ago
asked 6 hours ago
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