I asked this before, but things keep changing. I have a girl I like, who is a stripper, I work in the environment too so it's not like a customer/ dancer thing. We have been friends for a few years. I went away for over a year, when I saw her again she was staring at me like she was lovestruck! She told me she kept my military dogtags from back before I left, and she still has my college football jersey. I asked her for a date, she said absolutely. Things were great until the day before we were to go out. The night she wanted me to take her home, my home, I can't because roommates. But we went to a hotel. She made me promise I wouldn't do anything, once we got to the hotel we talked for a few hors, personal stuff about her past and childhood. Which was cool. Then she wanted to have sex. I said ok because she knew I liked her for more than just friends this time. After that night things changed. She now has to find a new place to live, go to court about her kids, and some other things, she is still hurt from the last guy she dated while I was gone, also had an abortion. I try to not take things personally, but now she hardly speaks to me when I come see her at the club, I am also there to see my friend, who manages the club. She still smiles and says hi. I asked her when I first noticed the change in behavior if it was just a one night thing, she looked mad that I asked that, so I didn't say it again. I have asked her if we would still go out and she said yes, she has to find a house first, I don't know what that has to do with a date. The coldness has me confused because we have known each other a long time, we talked about dating, when she walks by me she still smiles, and will touch me on the leg or back. But I am afraid to push the issue with her. I don't want to push her away now, we have been stepping around this for too long to just quit! Everyone in the club knows how close we were. Her roommate manages the sister club, she asks me all the time if I am giving this girl a ride home. So I don't think there has been anything said about me, although I don't give her a ride home because she is distant right now. I hope you girls can help me understand what may be going through her mind, everyone says that we are cute together and I would be really good for her. I'm trying but don't know what to do now.
Sounds like mostly good news if it's verbal abuse but no physical or sexual abuse. Cutting is much less problematic. Cutters tend to have a hard time understanding their own feelings. So when she feels upset because can't fully understand it or calm down, cutting is an effective way to let the emotion out, a non verbal way of venting (plus it kicks the endorphins in if the cut or cuts are strong enough).
It's an inner turmoil, which I'm sure you've figured out already. I do think that her willingness to have sex with you followed by her pulling back, shows that she has feelings that she isn't comfortable with. Now we know that anytime you fall for someone there's a mixture of excitement and fear. My guess is that she feels that energy and is uncomfortable with it. Unlike the feelings she had for her shitty ex (which were likely minimal and bland and he was likely one of those types where it could have been him or anyone else she'd seen at that time) which matched her esteem issues you're triggering an actual conflict within her.
And that fits with her not saying anything bad against you. My sister told me that life sends the same challenge at you in different forms until you get it right and get past it. It seems to me that to get this girl you'll have to get her talking and then help her unravel the emotional knots. If you can get her talking about a past relationship, the kids, a job opportunity, etc. something in which she clearly had a chance to make her life better and instead shot herself down you might be able to get her to see how her self-image and self-defeating patterns factor into her decisions in life and with you. I'm sure she "knows" she's made some bad choices, but there are levels of knowing (like a cigarette smoker who knows it can hurt him, but he doesn't really know until that cancer diagnosis is made - that's bone knowing, soul knowing).
Take care of yourself. The darkness doesn't voluntarily give up its prey. People in pain will, like a drowning person, fight you instead of letting you take their hand and lead them to safety. It might be Thanatos. I don't know, but these type of things are tough. I don't, however, think it has to do with her not caring about you. If anything, it's the opposite.
"Wait for everyone to go away And in a dimly lit room where you've got nothing to hide Say your goodbyes Tell yourself we'll read a note that says I'm sorry everyone I'm tired of feeling nothing goodbye Wash your face Dry your eyes Cause you've been waiting a long time You've been waiting a long long time To fall down on your knees Cut your hands Cut yourself until you bleed But fall asleep next to me Have a dream I'm falling down On my face Scrape my knees Scrape my hands until they bleed Cause you're fast asleep next to me Next to me."
The night I stayed with her, the night we had sex, she talked about wanting to get out of dancing and go back to computer school, she told me she quit school because she had no help, boyfriend just laid around and smoked dope, all her money! - 5 months ago
Question Asker
I saw her tonight at the club, I asked why she doesn't call, she said she left my number at the friends house she was staying at, she is not there now. I gave her my number way before she got her phone, to store my number. - 5 months ago
Question Asker
She knows I'm strong mentally, from being a marine, and she has seen me fight, at the club! Not by my choice, I hoped she would never see that side of me. Bouncing is a job! She saw it years ago though and is not afraid of me in any way, physically - 5 months ago
Question Asker
Your answer is very clear and thoughtful and I will try to hold on, I have known her so long and we have been wanting this for 3 years, thanks for the answer! - 5 months ago
Answerer
I hope it goes well for you. I think it is very much in your favor that she knows you're strong inside and out. I believe that people can change and grow away from bad habits. It takes effort, but it's possible. - 5 months ago
It seems to me that the real difficulty is her underlying emotional and psychological composition. My guess would be that she does have feelings for you, but that intimacy (especially true intimacy) is not something she is comfortable with.
Many strippers have a history that includes sexual abuse of some sort and that tends to be one of the things they bring with them, along with a tendency to use men and sex (or sexual acts) to punish themselves for feelings of guilt and to manifest their own self-hatred in reality. So she is comfortable with the past crappy boyfriends because they fit in with her own mental image.
I think there is a part of her that values you, but there's an internal hangup that she would have to be committed to overcome.
Good answer, fortunately because I worked in the business, I know about the sexual abuse, fortunately, she hasn't had that happen. her dad was verbaly abusive though. she does have some mental problems, she cuts herself sometimes.. feel free to add more.. - 5 months ago
I like this one girl that is kind of my friend and that has broke up with her boyfriend a while ago. I asked her out indirectly one time and she said...
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Well over the past few months I have been getting close to, and slowly falling for, this one girl. The problem is, she has a boyfriend. But, that...
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What pickup lines do you use to start a conversation with someone you are attracted to?
I pretty much always start out with a friendly greeting. I follow that up with a comment or question relating to where we are (club, amusement park, etc...). After that, just find out whether she is there with other people and what they are up to that evening. If the conversation to that point goes well, I then ask her/them if they want to join me/us and take it from there.
How do they typically respond?
With this approach, I have had success (I would say at least 2/3 of the time) and it might have to do with the genuine attempt to get to know them. Its important to display a calm and confident approach because its those brief moments in which a girl decides whether to deny you or is left intrigued by you and is wanting more.
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