First of all I would like to make it clear that I am not very fluent in English, but I try to do my best to explain.
I am emotionally dead. At least I think I am when it comes to love and sex. I am 32 y/o and my last relationship was seven years ago, with a girl I from the beginning liked (not loved), but the feeling did go away pretty fast. We were a couple for 8 months or so. Before that I have had a number of casual relationships and flings, but nothing "real". I dated a girl when I was 19 and whom I broke up with after a year. Something that I still regret and don't know why I did it. Well, she's married now and probably have loads of kids.
Well there have been a couple of girls that I have had some kind of genuine interest in, but they have either turned me down or been taken by other guys. Since my last relationship I haven't dated anyone. I have lost interest in even trying. All I see is the "hard work" with getting to know a new girl, going through that dating process all over again, and I am not sure it is worth it.
On the other hand, I long for love, someone to be with and someone to love and who loves me back. But there just aren't any women around that has gotten my attention! And this annoys me.
But there is more, more complicated things you need to know before you answer. My personal life as a mess. I hate myself, I feel I am unattractive, since I am quite big/obese. I have a bad financial situation even if I am working full-time, but I am stuck in debt. That's not it, I am also depressed and at the moment I am going to a psychologist to test me for ADHD (which is a good thing and which has made me a bit more happy about the future).
When I talk to my friends about love and relationship I always tend to say that "As my life is at the moment, I have no room for love. I am ashamed of what I am, how I live and I would never share my messy life with someone. " This is partly true, I am not ready. But even if I say that, I have a feeling love might be the best medication for me. Me being depressed is very much based on me being lonely. And hell I am lonely. Sometimes an entire weekend passes without me saying a word to anyone. I haven't got any real close friends where I live and I am never invited to parties or anything. I am pathetic, really.
But I know I am charming, a good man, a lovable man, a guy with a great big heart who loves to spoil people around me with compliments and my attention (after all I am a teacher). My students love me, my colleagues love me and I am a bit of a "local celebrity".
When it comes to sex I have no thoughts about it at all. I don't care about sex and I think that sex is overrated. Of course it is nice, but hey, I can live without it obviously.
I could probably rant about this for ages, but it all comes down to one thing: Why am I not interested in finding that love that I wish I had?
I think depression taints everything . When you're depressed, you often don't feel like doing ANYTHING you normally might . At least in my experience . I feel for you because I've been through that feeling and I understand how it is . It makes me sad to hear you say you hate yourself . Your answers in the Reality Check section caught my attention because they seemed kind . I'm glad you're going to a therapist because that's important . For me, it took many years to come out of my depression but I am not there anymore and I wish that for you too .
It seems like you are hiding your emotions, and running away from anyone that you could have a relationship with. I'm sure you are a good man, and I'm sure there is a good woman for you out there somewhere. You just need to be more outgoing and friendly towards people, and they will be the same to you. Incidentally, your English is very good. I had no trouble understanding you! I see you are from Sweden; My girlfriend is from Finland! I hear English with a Scandinavian accent all the time. She is fluent in English, too. Good luck to you. Send me an email, and let me know how you are doing.
The answer to your question and the solution to your problem is simple. You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself. Think about it. If you think you are a horrible person or undeserving of love, how could you expect someone else to love and admire you?
If there are things about you that you hate/dislike/want to change, you need to do one of two things (in reality, you will probably end up doing a little of both). 1, just accept that this is who you are and learn to love it. 2, change the things you don't like. If you are overweight, diet, exercise and work on that. If your debt situation is bad, talk to a consolidation expert. There are solutions for your problems. Trust me, I have lived through the exact same thing.
It sounds like you know that you are a good guy, so cut yourself a little slack. There are plenty of women out there that are dying to meet a sweet, loving guy like you. Take the negativity of your depression and loneliness and refocus it on getting yourself out of this rut. You can do it!
Perhaps you are afraid to be in an intimate relationship because of your current situation which you described as,
"""As my life is at the moment, I have no room for love. I am ashamed of what I am, how I live and I would never share my messy life with someone. """
By the sounds of it, you lead two lives, Jeppe the local celebrity and then within the confines of your own four walls Jeppe who hates himself and appears to be miserable.
Thusly, the answer to your question is that you are afraid to find love because you have not yet found how to love yourself or how to confront your own daemons.
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