The point of giving up...don't know if this is normal

You need to loose contact with all these people. You are hanging out with the wrong crowd. Move. Get a new job, a new life, hope for yourself. Provided you are not a hopeless fatty, there are lots of good people far outside of your circle who can care and love you, provided you give them a chance.

You just need to meet a man that is going to treat you right. They are not going to take advantage of you and do bad things to you. I have been harrassed as a guy for being too nice. I think for some reason women want the bad guy, but realize the nice guy is really what they want in the long run. If you want to talk and chat that would be cool. ID yahoo messenger jackcarver@rocketmail.com. Its good to have someone you can chat with. I am in Iraq right now under heavy stress too so an extra friend to chat with would be appreciated. Take care hope you feel better soon!

I'm really sorry to hear how much you have been through. I don't know you obviously but it sounds like you live in a very bad environment for you *offers hug*.

Your stuck in what's called the downward spiral and its really hard to get out alone. This is why you need your ex's so much because whilst the all have let you down in one way or another they have cared for you in some way too and that's what you really need in your life (except you don't need your ex's).

I can imagine that possibly part of your struggle is in being attractive. Attractive people tend to attract more of the "scum" element, which is sad.

There is no easy fix, and its only going to get harder. However, things can change.

The first thing you must do is address you unhealthy addictions. You've listed a number of drug dependancies in your description and these must stop. Your not full in control of your circumstances even at the best of times and when drugs are brought into the mix it get worse (or any addiction).

I know and understand the motivations which brought you to where you are and your not a weak person for sucumming to the tempting numbness and false happyness that comes with drugs. Nor are you weak for seeking to find someone to support and love you. However, you really need to fight back and keep fighting!

The good thing is, your still young, so you've got a lot of fight left (even if it doesn't feel like that right now).

The first thing you have to do, and its all seemingly impossibly hard, is to prune people from your life who would lead you back into bad habits. Friends who are "good time" friends, friends who are drug addicts (you can't help them until you can help yourself, your not abandoning friends here, your getting yourself clear and sorted and building a new more solid support base. Once your there you can think about going back for your friends). Arrange to move, don't tell your old friends your moving (unless you know they are very true to you and will support you and back you) order a new phone SIM card. Right as you move, text or call each of your friends / ex's and explain that whilst you care about them, you need time to sort out yourself (this is obviously for the ones you know you would try to keep in touch with and care for) once everyone has been explained to (for better friends, a personal call, for lesser friends just a text for bad friends forget them) change the SIM in your phone and move to your new place that none of your old friends know suffiently far from your old home to make it unlikely to run into any of them.

Start a new life. No drugs.

Don't be alone though... you can't get through this completely alone. There are organised and regulated support groups online you can find. Its good you have come on this site again because you will find people who can understand and support and because they are not with you in person they will be less risky. However, you also need people who can be there in per

but even outside the realm of God...religion is also known as this thing called "The Secret"...Look it up... basically, much as with praying for something, you just keep repeating what you DO want, and stay positive about it...i know being positive right now will seem difficult, but if you stay negative you will continue to be negative... it is also called "the self-fulfilling prophecy"... "I always tell myself that everything will be alright, I'm going to have a great day, and I am going to stay Free and Clear"... do things that make you happy, go outside and bask in the sun, listen to music that makes you happy, hang out with friends who don't treat you like sh*t... and MOST OF ALL, try to envision yourself as being happy, because when you can visualize yourself as/with something it makes it a lot easier to reach that goal... as a final quote I will say " Stay positive in whatever you do, and the sun will always find a way of shining on you"... Peace and Love gal

I see it's been tough times for you sis, and happy to know you found people here to be having a healing effect, I'm doing the same here too. It's always good to share every single thought you have with others that listen and care, and sure here we do care for every member amongst us that wants to share something. It's really bad all those bad experiences you had, those guys are worth nothing, those are the kind that one should never let in their life for whatever reason, or at least swipe their images clean out of their mind and heart. I believe the best thing you should do is to take a break from all of this, move to another city as soon as you can, change your life routine and start doing things you haven't done before, chill the heck of stress out! have some tea in the evenings, sleep early and wake up early, have evening and morning walks near the trees... remember you're much higher than those cheaters and every asshole their level. You are a real human being, and good thing those experiences have made you wiser, now you're better than many girls your age that you know better, in your later life if you want to choose your life partner you'll know what to choose and for what reason.

let the next term or the nearest chance to be the point you start changing your life at. Us humans were created with the most challenging minds in the universe, we never give up, and you're a great young girl, looking ahead for the best and for improving yourself, delete what don't need in your new charming life, like... err... everything about those exes, you don't love them because they're assholes, they're low, you don't care about them, you don't have to give a damn to what they say, why do they show they care for you now? to show you that they are men? well good news, a real man never does what they did to a woman, well then, say this to them next time, you are showing caring towards me, but I don't consider you as a man, so don't bother trying to show that to me anymore, I'm not interested in staying in touch with people like you, I'm much higher than that... just keep that in your mind and soul, and raise your head up high, focus on what matters, your future and career, and remember, shallow, unpredictable and unpromising relationships are for losers, winners have better things to do, winners appreciate themselves more and never let anyone hurt them.

best of luck girl

I don't see why it wouldn't be normal to give up, given what you've been through. But believe it or not, contrary to popular belief, time does HEAL all WOUNDS. I am deeply sorry that you have been done the way you have, there isn't a soul alive on this earth that deserves that treatment. This may not help you very much, but for every bad, there's always a worse. Everyone I believe wants to felt like they are needed and loved, because it just seems to fill an empty void-and it makes in increasingly difficult when some low-life people do you wrong and makes it seem as if there is no happiness. But I think the things we are put through in life only make us stronger. So don't ever doubt that you won't ever find the one, even though you may think otherwise.

i do so agree with littletad.
if you don't want to see a minister or pastor, try looking at your insurance homepage,
usually there is something about mental health there,
i saw your country is canada, so I believe you should be able to get some for free even, just takes some time to find one.

seek therapy:
but first you have to change how you see this: seeing a psychotherapist is something you do for yourself, not because you are a nutcase, you can keep this private nobody needs to know.
have you tried dating a non-abusive type of man?
or how do you know they are overall boring people, yes there may not be as much drama, but I thought you wanted to get away from that, seems like some mixed signals from you.

make a real decision:
do I want my life to stay like this?
form a resolution about it, either you don't care enough, or you decide that you will do ANYTHING in your power to change your circumstances that means there is NO STOPPING short when you've decided.

if you don't want it to stay that way,
then all your energy has to go into that change you want.

stop pot/alcohol abuse asap
(keep the smoking for now, drop it when your life changes).
differently than othes I think pot is dangerous... because your way of thinking changes and you waste an awful lot of time that you could be spending to improve your life for real!

yes it takes the edge off, did that for me too, but my mind changed, I got some habits I can't shake even now, got really lazy, slow, really bad at remembering anything or anyone and it took half a year after I stopped for it to start changing back.
(of course this doesn't mean that it has to be the same for you, you could be the golden exception, but any resources you can free up to tackle this major problem in your life have to be able to work on this.)

i even completely stopped alcohol for around 1,5-2 years and things got much better yet, then I decided to drink again though because I couldn't stand people anymore (which is one big issue why I am seeing a therapist, because I don't quite understand why I can't be around them when I don't drink and because there is potential and money there that I could be spending in much better ways)

change your mobile-number
its easier than having to face them all directly to say: knock it off.
if worse comes to worst I would even suggest a move out of your current flat, town, country.

question your daily routine
what are typical uppers and downers throughout the day, can you avoid or shield against them somehow?
is your day very exhausting?

seek support in (real) friends and family
if your family is messed up you'll want to avoid this advice and only seek out your female friends
try to seek and surround yourself with those that are well organized, self-reliant, happy person no matter what etc. and even if they posess only one of the attributes try to learn their way.

whatever you do - DO SOMETHING and be PROACTIVE about solutions, they arise in the process of doing it
best of luck

You'll probably write me off as some kinda nut (and, of course, you've been here before so you know I'm a nut. lol), but if I were you (and believe me, I have been), I'd find myself the largest mainstream (Baptist will do) church in the area, and ask to see the pastor in private. If you take his advice, you'll find the old you in pretty short order, and before ya know it, life will be vewy, vewy good. Guarantee it. Oh, and welcome back!

Call a minister and pray about it. Things will get better

1st thing you gotta do is stop hanging with hoodrats, and stop smoking ciggarettes(there gross and big turn offs)(big turn off)
at the same time, cut down on the pot and eventually stop(pot makes you wanna feel like sh*t when your not high, I know this cause I used to smoke a sh*tload, but after like 2 weeks of no pot I started feeling like myself again), find a passion or something that makes you feel gives you success, through that you'll find happyness, and from there you'll love story will write itsself
(none of it will be easy either, I suggest you get started right away,then again nothing in life is easy, life is a constant struggle for everyone)
& all the guys you talk to sound like complete losers, you gotta stop talking to them, there hoodrats
basically cut off your string to them and start a new life

Whoa, there's a lot in that post! I just want to point out one thing, though:

>I've thought about anti depressants but I don't want to become addicted to them, I have a very addictive personality. I binge drink, I smoke, I smoke pot everyday to take the edge off.

Antidepressants can cause some physical dependence, but they're generally not as addictive as binge drinking and smoking! I'm not trying to talk down to you (I smoke and was drunk last night), but I think antidepressant addiction is the least of your problems.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to find a competent psychologist or some kind of therapist and make an appointment ASAP. I don't think anybody could get through all the crap you've been through without going at least slightly crazy. Professional therapy might be really helpful, and it's almost certainly better for you than constantly texting all your ex-bfs. If you don't want to take psychiatric meds, just say so; there are plenty of treatment options that do not involve drugs.

I'm sorry for what your going through. I know I didn't exactly start on the right foot with you at first, some silly argument. But for what it's worth, I've never seen you as the "cold cynical hearted" your claiming yourself to be, or rather turning into. I do think your a good person, or at least someone who tries to be, despite all the crap that dumps on your lap. We can't choose how exactly our lives are gonna end up, or the problems were gonna face. All we can do is learn to deal, or let the shortcomings of our life eat us up. What I do notice about you though, is that despite the shortcomings, you haven't given up. You still try. I know a lot of people people who blame others for their problems or accuse them of failing us. I also know some people who propel their shortcomings and use it to find success. I think your the latter. But how your going about it, just isn't working. I think your idea of success is having someone with you. A successful relationship. And everything else will just fall into place. I think that's wrong. BEFORE you even achieve a good relationship, I think you need to work on yourself. Your self-esteem, your courage, and your acceptance to do what you can, even if you are alone. The better you are within yourself, the more you'll have to offer in a relationship. And then everything else will fall into place.

The first thing you can do, is stop repeating your horrible pattern. You seem to be repeating a pattern of dating the same type of guys. Even worse, you still keep contact with your ex's. Please stop this. The only reason they are calling you is because they want free sex, with no strings. They don't want to help, they only want to use you. So please erase their numbers, and erase their places in your heart and mind. It's going to be difficult, but this is necessary. Recognize the patterns of those guys you dated before, and learn to start looking for something better and different.

The next thing is to stop smoking pot and binge drinking. I'm not the type to say smoking pot is wrong, but I do think your doing these things for the wrong reasons. As a means to escape and forget your troubles. I think it would be better if you face them and tackle them. Learn to accept and deal. Get your life on track first, and then everything will fall into place.

I think, for what it's worth, your a pretty unique person. I might be wrong or half wrong, but I do remember an older post of yours saying you were pretty much without two parents, and you took care of your siblings. I think that's very honorable of you, and that makes you a pretty amazing person. Someone who puts others before themselves. But now it's time to start worrying about yourself, and doing something about it. You owe it to yourself. :)

I hope this helps, and I hope you'll start feeling better soon.

Why not just find a nice, boring, nerdy guy? He'll treat you very nice. He'll even love you and adore you too.

here is a good website for depression or just getting support:
link

Goal setting:
link
link


Confidence:
link

please look them up. the student depression one is the best one in my opinion

A psychologist is pretty similar to a counsellor. in ireland a counselling psychologist is more qualified than a counsellor but they do similar job role. a psychiatrist is the one over here who can prescribe medication. in usa I think its the psychologist that can give medication.

You have options. Remember that. you CAN get out of this.
1. Go to counsellor and go to GP (but let the counsellor know what medication you are taking and let the GP know what you're going to counselling)
2. Go to psychologist and get your medication there (it doesn't make much difference in the end anyway)

Doctors counsellors and psychologists all have to take an oath of confidentiality whereby they can't disclose what the client/patient is talking about unless there is a risk to their life i.e. suicide etc. So don't worry, you don't have to tell people in your life you're going if you don't want to. It's better if you do or feel you can but either way get the help you need! All these professionals are caring, empathetic and understanding. They won't judge you harshly. They're professionals and their job is to help you. They help all kinds of people every working day of their lives. They're used to it so they honestly won't be shocked by much. Just go to a few sessions with a counsellor. get someone you like. you have to like them in order to trust them and confide in them. Therapy helps because you have this healthy relationship in your life that you can start to bring into your real life. You can ask them things you don't feel comfortable asking other people. I think everyone can benefit from it. Just give it a chance. I would advice you to pick a female counsellor specialising in person-centred therapy because you need someone to talk to. You can go to a male one but I think you should stick to a female one right now because men in your life have let you down so you could have problems trusting the male therapist. other alternatives include CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy)

I have so many friends who have been to counselling, been on anti-depressants. No-one wants to talk about it but honestly it is very common. Depression is an illness that will get worse if left untreated-like the flu, like the common cold.

If you google "person-centred therapy", you will understand what I'm talking about. Better still, go to your local library and get books on it. "feel the fear and do it anyway" is a great self-help book worth checking out.

You also need a routine to keep you busy and set goals to work towards something in your life.

honestly I can relate, albeit on a lesser level. But you need to reach out to someone for help.
Firstly cut these toxic guys out of your life. It's hard but they're sucking you dry right now. Whilst you're getting yourself sorted, try being single so you can focus on yourself. I'm doing that now and it's amazing how much calmer my life is. Cut out all the toxic people in your life. You may have to start from scratch but that's better than letting these people ruin your life-make no mistake, they are intent on bringing you down!GO COLD TURKEY. it's the only thing that works. delete their number, get rid of text messages, don't see anyone they know, get rid of all photos of him. out of sight, out of mind after all! if you keep his number you know that you will text him again but make the decision NOT to, that you deserve better so please delete it and move on from him.

But you've been hard times and whilst this is a good site, you ought to consider going to a counsellor. I did and it really helped me. You're not weird; once you talk to someone, you'll realise that this reaction is normal after your experiences. People have let you down so naturally you get defensive and act really tough. I did that too but it didn't work for me. I feel more empowered now that I deal with the problems in a healthy way. Support groups eg 12 step groups have really helped me; they're great if you can't afford counselling as they're usually very inexpensive-you just have to make any donation you can afford. You need support right now and that's ok.

the pot is only going to make you depressed. same with the alcohol. I know I've tried both. pot made me so withdrawn and when you mix the two together at the same time, it has an even worse reaction on someone's behaviour.

exercise and eating well will help make you feel good and balance out your mood. If you need anti-depressants, then why not take them? it's no big deal but you CANNOT mix them with alcohol/pot/other drugs. the alcohol/pot etc are depressants (they make your brain depressed) so they will cancel out the effect of the anti-depressants. if you do, you need to go to your doctor at least once a month to check your dosage. you usually have to stay on anti-depressants for at least six months to avoid a relapse back into depression. if you stop taking them too soon, there is a high risk of relapse. your doctor will urge you to go to therapy too. no doctor will just give you pills without you taking some other steps to deal with your depression.

you can do better than these guys. you need to raise your standards of what you want from people including guys because you do deserve more, you do deserve to be treated well. you sound like a lovely girl that's just a bit lost right now-something I too can relate to. just because you have problems doesn't mean you're still not a good person. you are. so take the chance. I

I know that saying something stupid like, "I know what you are going through" wouldn't help, because no one can honestly say that and mean it. I understand that you have been through a lot, and the stress is overwhelming, but first things first. As much as you want the attention of your exs, you need to delete them from your life. Curiosity will get the best of you and make you want to check up on them and see what they are doing, but the more you resist and just ignore it, the better off you will be. Do not let them use you and control your life by trying to stay in contact. If they wanted to be with you, they could have been. They had the chance and they f*cked up. So take a deep breath, put on some good music, sit down, and clear out that phone. When they text you, don't even look. Don't reply. Just start living a fresh new life. You have been though enough. Now it's time to do something for yourself. Be happy. Do new things. Have fun. Don't go looking for another person to love or to love you. When you stop looking, it will naturally come. I had a boyfriend who solicited online for sex. After being with him for years, I left him because I couldn't tolerate the lying and the intent to cheat. It took months to get over emotionally, but I realized if I tore myself away from all of that, and kept myself busy, that the sadness would turn into happiness because I was free from the stress that was a relationSH*T. Do what is best for you.

Take a deep breath. Remember the dreams you wanted to achieve and accomplish before life started to suck. Try achieving this goals because it will help you relax, feel as if you have a purpose, and recall life before it sucked. Or if worst come to worst, pack up your things and travel to someplace (I would recommand England because English guys are so sexy) for a month to have a change of pace. and (England is one of the most partying places in the world) to help keep your mind off the past.

well, the first thing I think you should do is stay the hell away from any religious organizations that will want to indoctrinate you while you are vulnerable. Unless these people are close to your family and you have grown up with them, you really trust them and you are comfortable with these beliefs.

So now, how close are you with your family?

Specifically, how close to your mum?

Does she know how you are feeling?

When I went through depression, I hid every thing from my mum and all the people I loved because I didn't want to worry them, it put a massive strain on my relationship and my boyfriend left me, oddly enough it was that that helped me take my first real steps out of the depression, because after suffering alone, in that awful agony you feel after breaking up, for 3 days, I went home and confessed to my mother everything.

And I stayed at home for 4 months, just talking about Everything with her. She made me promise NEVER to go through that alone again.

Just the fact that there was someone out there that really gave a sh*t about what I was going through seemed to take a lot off my back.

If your mum isn't around go and find that person that you know gives a sh*t, and unload all that you feel on them, preferably not a new boyfriend or an ex, you need a family member, someone platonic, that will let you curl up in a ball on their lap and cry for hours, without judgment. A councilor if all else fails.

STOP the pot! stop the drink, you need to start drinking water, eat good food, veggies. Remember that feeling bad is just a load of chemical reactions in the brain, you are right to not take those anti depressants, stay clear of them. But you must take measures to get those brain chemicals balanced naturally and that is done by sorting out your diet.

When you feel bad, go for a run, if you get tired and then walk but do it for about an hour each day. it will get some sun on you and get some nice healthy happy chemicals released in your brain.

When I broke up with my bf, there was nothing like having a good run, I broke down and cried, a couple of times in the middle of my run and it was like being freed. and when I got angry at him I sprinted until my body hurt and it felt good.

You have to make a list of things you WILL do each day, things that you want to do to get your life where you want, and you have to try your best to do those things. And when you have done them be proud you have completed that task, and then plonk yourself in front of the tv and watch a good comedy with mum or a family member you love. Stay away from depressing crap.

If you catch yourself on a spiral of bad thoughts and worrying try and stear your brain away, train your brain to to look on the bright side. If you feel yourself frowning, uncreased your forehead, try and relax.

When you can get in these ruts, and are in them for a long time your brain becomes used to always seeing the worst. train it out of that habit. Stop worrying about what the future will hold

Hey,
I am sorry for what you're going through.
I know how it feels. To get your heartbroken so many times, and to feel like there is no point in life anymore. You feel so lost, and alone.. so you turn to other things to distract you. It helps, temporarily. All you want is someone to love you, someone to know you're there, someone to really care about you...
Your exs won't give you that feeling; Alcohol won't give you that feeling; Smoking won't give you that feeling... so throw them away. Delete them from your life. It's harder than it sounds. But you HAVE to let go. If they are making you feel miserable about yourself, about your life, then let go.

Next, write down things you have accomplished in the past. Write down things about yourself that you are proud of. Write down what type of person you REALLY are. Write down what you love about YOU. And then write down everything in your life you are thankful for. I know it sounds cheezy, but right now you are focusing on all the bad things that happened to you. So I want to help you remember the good things. It might be hard, but I know it's there. When was the last time you smiled? When was the last time you made someone else smile?
Whenever you feel like crap.. whenever you feel like your life has no meaning... re-read the list you made about you. If you can't come up with something about you that you like, then add these to your list -- You are a strong person, emotionally; You know what you want, and you are not afraid to say it; You speak your mind; You are confident; You stand out; and You are one bad-ass chick -- Those are just things I noticed about you based on your old posts that I remember.
Next, try volunteering. I know it doesn't really make sense, but when you feel worthless, and useless, and depressed.. it always helps to help others. It gives you a feeling of worth, and it always always feels good to make someone else smile. Plus, by seeing what other people are going through, it gives you a different perspective of what you're going through. Just try it. You are a caring person, so I am pretty sure it will help.

One last thing, I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I feel the same way you do, many times. It's something we will never understand... It's like a battle between you and yourself. You know which side should win.. so don't give up.

I don't think being alone is the answer, I think that maybe you tend to look for guys that have asshole-ish tendencies. You should go on dates with all different kinds of guys! Don't get serious too fast and don't get physical with any of them. Then you have lots of options and don't settle for someone you really don't like.

In terms of feeling depressed, what makes me feel happiest is when I'm surrounded by good friends and people who I love and love me. Try to pursue something like a hobby you never have before such as surfing, painting, quilting, or ballroom dancing and use that as your outlet instead of bud and excessive drinking. If all else fails, see a therapist.

Sounds like you've been through a ton of strife in your life. Maybe it's time for a rebirth of a new and better you.

I'm no expert on any of these things, and I am so sorry it's been so rough for you.

But, I am someone who is on anti-depressants, and once upon a time, I was very afraid of them. I have had some that didn't work that were hard to get off to change. But in general, if you're seeing a good psychiatrist, s/he'll never let it get to that point and they'll find the one that works for you. The trick with anti-depressants isn't necessarily that they're all "physically addictive" in the way you might be addicted to cigarettes, drinking, or even something as simple as shopping, where you feel like you need it. Anti-depressants DO work with the chemicals in your brain, so sudden stoppage, unmanaged, can be dangerous - but again, if you're seeing a good psychiatrist, it shouldn't ever get to that point.

It also sounds like you have some anxiety. A psychiatrist may be able to prescribe either A) an anti-depressant that has an anti-anxiety component or B) a separate anti-anxiety medicine. Anti-anxiety meds (essentially sedatives) can be very addictive, but a low dosage will help you with some of the racing thoughts and that feeling of spiraling out of control (I'm very familiar with that!). You don't want to take them too often (my doc won't provide a scrip for more than 10 days worth of them -- if I used all of them up that fast, he'd know I was getting addicted). You only want to take them when you feel it's absolutely necessary.

I know it seems hard to believe right now, but eventually, you'll get to the point where you can beat the panic away, and even some of depression, without a lot of meds. It takes time, but you'll get there. There's nothing to be ashamed of in taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, and it doesn't have to be forever. And like someone else said, they are WAY less addictive than alcohol or cigarettes. And many are designed to get you to a point where you don't need them anymore.

Unfortunately, no medicine makes you immune. I've been on anti-depressants on and off for five years, and have been on one now consistently for eight months and it's the first one that I really "love." But -- my circumstances are different. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue that will never go away and anti-depressant are a relatively permanent treatment for that. So my reasons for taking it are three-fold. But now that I've found the combo that works for me, I have many more good days. I used to feel like these meds were a weakness -- that I couldn't be normal without them. But now, I feel like they just help me to remember who I am. I still have bad days (and we all have those exes that should just crawl up a hole and leave us alone for good) but I'm much better off.

Remember: there are hundreds of psychiatrists (docs who give meds) and psychologists (talk therapists/counselors) out there. If the first one(s) you try don't mesh well with you, move on and try another. You'll get there! Don't give up hope!

I remember you. drop me a line.

I swear you sound just like me. my babys dad was a coke addict well he was all the guys you named above. I been through every thing you been through plus more mom left when I was 10. daddy mollested me from 1 till 15. babydaddy beat me, screwed my 2 little sisters and mollested several children I found out 3 years after I got him arested. and I am the same way I act like I don't need anything from anyone.I really am lonely and I feel like I will never find the right person but the truth is you have to set standards for the men you want. write down what you want in a man and if the next one that tries to get wit you doesn't fit don't even try. you might be single for a while but use that time to read info on understanding men a really good one I saw on t.v just yesterday is act like a lady think like a man by commedian steve harvey.

Sounds like you need more than just an internet advice forum. I am not going to write a lot here, which is rare for me, but we cannot help you. And it sounds like to me, you feel like you cannot help yourself. From there, you really should seek professional help. What you are going through is going to take more than some advice and more than trying hard to change your ways. I would suggests finding a psychologist (yes a psychologist and not a therapist or a counselor... you need some one who can evaluate you and possibly give you drugs if necessary in my opinion... since you are already self medicating). It's worth your time, money, and effort. You are the only one who can take these steps though. I just hope you want the change and the healing bad enough. My prayers are with you.

You already took the first step by determining that you're miserable and want change. Change cannot happen until you seek it out and are ready for it. I am going to make some suggestions and all I ask is that you consider them. First, you need to remove the toxic external forces from your life (i.e. your exs'). Block all of their numbers, emails, screen names etc. They will only drag you down and add to your misery. Next, you need to find a counselor either a licensed therapist or if you're spiritual, a pastor. You need a professional to help you work with the overload of emotions you have, help you deal with your rape and help you find a healthier path. They can also assist in getting you to stop binge drinking and smoking. These are mere forms of escapism and you're only "numbing" your pain temporarily. You have to tackle these issues head on to conquer them. Finally, you need a solid support system to help you in this process- look to someone you trust implicitly, like a family member, close friend etc.

If you seriously want to make a change then do it swiftly and don't make excuses. It won't get better until you want to make it better. You're a young woman and you have a whole life to live. You have a lot to offer the world and your life doesn't have to be deplorable.

I am a stranger to you but feel free to message me. I will help you or be a sounding board. I was in a horrible position about 4 months ago and I am in a better place now. I finally had enough and knew change was the only way to be happy again. I will tell you it wasn't easy but I am glad I got control back.