This girl I work with is having problems at home, she is married and has a kid. Her husband is controlling, jealous, alcoholic, etc.. She once confided in me a plan to leave her husband, but that she wasn't sure. So out of concern I gave her my cell number, and said if she needed to talk she could call me.
I really only gave her my number out of concern, its my nature to care about people. I didn't expect her to even hold on to my number. I did wonder if I should clarify that I only gave her my number out of concern and friendship, and planned to... but when I saw her next the first thing she said to me was she lost my number and wanted me to give it to her again.
She was in the process of writing down her schedule when we were talking, I was about to give her my number again when she said she needed another piece of paper, she said if her husband found out he'd get mad, so our friendship or what ever this is (what is this anyway?) has to be a secret.
Alright. I cannot be sure if she's seeing you more than just a friend or if she's just seeing you as someone who would help her. I work with people in domestic violence situations and it seems like she's in one even though you did not mention her getting hit by the husband (I'm not sure if she did or not, of course), but the fact that her husband is controlling and jealous about her making friends is probably a developing threat and emotional abuse to her already. It will HAVE TO BE a secret if she's in a DV situation and she's getting your number just in case she needs to escape from her husband because she's worrying about her safety and maybe you're the only one she can get help from (because her husband doesn't know you). And IF she's really in a DV situation, she's going to be in trouble if her husband sees her having contact with other people because he wants to be totally in control.
But of course, I am not sure what she's really dealing with right now. Maybe she's just having feelings for you because she's not being treated nicely by her husband. You have to talk with her about that. In case she's really in a DV situation, do ask her to get helps from professionals. I don't know where your area is, but you can give her the number for the National DV Hotline (800-799-7233) if unfortunately that's the case. They've resources for almost all areas in the country.
Thanks I think now I finally see why she turned to me and why she has done some of the things she did. I do know that people in DV situations have problems turning their abuser in. We have a big poster in the break room with card with numbers on it for DV. I just don't know how to deal with this, and I'm not sure how much she is telling me and how much she isn't - A month ago
it doesn't mean anything from what I see... you say her husband is controlling and jealous, well maybe she doesn't want him getting the wrong idea about you two...she's probably just looking for a friend who will listen to her... ya know? it's nothing serious really? like I said it just means she doesn't want her husband getting the wrong idea
first she has feelings for you you give her the attention she wants from her husband.If her husband is like my EX very relationship she has he does not like. She needs to feel safe she is probably co-dependent so your her back up if he gets out of line your the next best.Make your self clear I'm just a friend but let her have her secret it makes her feel safe. I don't know if she wants more from you but please understand its a mess she is in and she will cling to the first thing that makes her fell safe. I DID!
WOW that's a totally different perspective then I had. Lately we've been playing more and more, she seem a lot happier then she did when we first started talking. I don't like being considered a backup, I guess I'm alright being a security blanket so long as I don't have to become more. I never really though that she was using me to get the attention she wanted from her husband but I guess I'm ok with that too
So how did this work out for you? Do you still have the thing that made you feel safe? - A month ago
Answerer
No over time I learned to be my own safety blanket but I'm still good friends with the one I had I feel bad now he got the wrong idea and in the end it hurt him that I dint need him! Its hard to not want to protect someone you see hurting but don't forget to protect yourself! good luck and I hope she gets help soon The place she is at is not a good one she can actually hurt herself mentally more than he can physically(its a scary spot) - A month ago
Just let her know that you care as a friend. I mean from your description on what's going on with her it's hard not to give this woman too much attention that would give off the wrong message. I think what you're doing is right, but someone in her situation can be very confused and take it the wrong way. Altough...to me I don't think she did took your gesture of offering her help in a romantic sense. If she does, then set just set things out straight. It's always better to be blunt and convey your intentions clearly than to cause heavy and unrepairable misunderstandings.
She is happy around me, or at least less depressed, its a game with me I try to get her to smile everyday. So I sincerely hope she didn't take my offer in a romantic sense, I hope for her sake that we can stay in this limbo for a while. - A month ago
Sounds messy, If you feel that you gave her your number purely out of friendship, than that's all that is... You know she has a controlling drunk husband, so don't you agree that he would possibly get mad if he found another guys number in her pocket or phone or whatever? It's great to be a nice person and to listen to other people when they need a friend- but its also good to have boundaries for yourself as far as what kinds of situations you will get yourself into. Honestly, she sounds kind of lost and confused, and might get the wrong idea about what your intentions are... So you need to make it clear as far as what you will stand for. Do you want a secret friendship with her? or is talking at work ok?
Its just I don't want to cause problems for her, also I think communication is key in any relationship, But I see your point I don't want her to get hurt at all, let alone because of me. the problem is what are the boundaries? Do I just provide an sensitive ear, at what point, if any, should I step in? - A month ago
I wouldn't mess with that... that's how people get shot. Don't interfere, and don't try being a nice guy... that's stupid... Especially when there is infidelity/jealousy/possible fornication. Your friendship has to be a secret? I would take that as an exit and leave the situation or whatever it is alone...Say hi, answer a question or two...I wouldn't get personal. A controlling, alcoholic in a jealous rage-if you want that after you then do the opposite of my advice.
I think she probably realises that you are just acting as a friend and is referring to the husband being mad in response to confiding in you. I would however make it clear in subtle ways that you are just a friend.
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When: A month ago
When: A month ago
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