My boyfriend and I dated for four years. We lived together for two and are both 27. I lost my job in February and couldn’t find another one in NYC. So, we had been talking about moving to my hometown and we decided to do it. I had to come first because I needed a job fast. SO, I came down in mid May to start working. He came down at the beginning of August. At the beginning of the summer I had cold feet because I didn’t know if coming home was the right move and having him move for me was a lot of pressure. But he fought for me and said I was the love of his life. That he would move down here even if I wasn’t sure and we could take things slow. It was a small risk to take for someone he loved. That woke me up and I realized I was making a mistake. So, everything was fine. He moved down here and was so excited. Two days after he got here my bestfriends husband died of cancer. His mom is also pretty sick with cancer. We moved in with my parents. He was having trouble finding a job. The guy in our apartment wasn’t going to move out and if he wasn’t out at the end of the month, we were going to get sued. So, he had to go up to NYC to meet with the landlords lawyers and find a lawyer for us. In the middle of all this he calls me and says he doesn’t love me anymore. He has a job interview in NYC and will be back to get his stuff. He was only here for 5 weeks, two of which were spent in hospital and helping with a funeral. He says that over the summer he truly missed me and doesn’t regret moving. After four years, I am not sure how you fall out of love with someone in five weeks and can honestly say you feeling NOTHING for them. You don’t want to work it out. He said we weren’t clicking. But I am not sure what couple would be clicking perfectly with everything we had going on. Am I stupid for thinking that he will snap out of this in a couple of months and regret his decision? Do you think he will wake up and miss me?
Update: Does anyone think I will be out of sight out of mind because he moved back to NYC and I am still home? It seems like it would be easy for him to just continue on his way with his new life plan.
A month ago
There seems to be more than enough "not sures" going on between you both. It might be time to step back and let time fix this. Time will tell you whether to move forward or backward, and usually Time is right.
Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. It is so hard to accept everything that has happened in the past few weeks. But I do agree we both have some soul searching to do and some things to sort out. But when he broke up w me, he was considering a career change, going back to school, etc. He had a temp job at my office and just left and never resigned or contacted my boss. He isn't talking to his family. It just seems like he is freaking out because he has always been very responsible and calm. - A month ago
Answerer
It sounds like he has made a change somewhere on the road of life. Drugs cause people to do an about face, as you describe. I hope whatever his turning point is, he gets back on track soon. Good Luck - A month ago
Question Asker
He is definitely not into drugs. But he comes from a "put on a happy face"...don't talk about anything real family. They don't ever confront each other when there is an issue. So, I think when you don't express yourself things tend to build up and you lash out in terrible ways. I was raised the exact opposite and was pretty open. I think confrontation made him uncomfortable. He could never acknowledge any type of negative feeling, he felt like a failure if he wasn't always positive & happy. - 29 days ago
There has to be more to your tale than meets the eye. This isn't the classic case of you let him sleep with you is it?
The only way you can fall out of love with someone (and to be honest its more that you never properly loved someone) is through a series of hurtful neglects to or attacks on your emotions / feelings comming from the person your in love with.
Unless he's just talking from hurt. During these 5 weeks, how did you treat him?
It seems he's either:
o A complete jerk who was using you in some very subitle way or o Was never truly in love with you (but prehaps thought he was) and only reciently (in the last 5 weeks) found out what true love feels like. o Lying about not loving you because he's been hurt in some way
I don't think your stupid for thinking he might snap out of it. In fact, you really should give him at least a couple of months to think better of his decisions.
Its impossible to say which way he will go, but I do know that you really ought to give him some time to work himself out incase.
I treated him pretty well. Right when he moved down I was assigned a project at work & became busy. I was pretty bummed that I was working so much because one of the reasons we moved from NYC was to get to a more balanced life style. So, I was regretting the move a little bit and felt guilty ab that. I probably wasn't a big enough cheerleader but I was mourning the loss of my friend. I truly didn't see this coming. We weren't fighting just the normal small things that every couple has to deal w/ - A month ago
Answerer
Sometimes its the normal couple stuff which really polarises a relationship.
Its when your partner gets to see the more "real" you but also in a way the most false impression because (we hope) its only the pressure of a new relationship.
Don't push anything, but just next time he calls, after you have talked about ordinary stuff, talk over what his issues where, not to try and change his thoughts but to understand his reasons. Maybe you can get behind them, or maybe he's got something wrong - A month ago
I say give him his space. Let him know that you are there for him if he needs you, but other than that, I would go no contact, and not contact him unless he contacts you. I do think he will wake up and miss you, you have to realize that he is very stressed right now. His only mother is dying of cancer, which I can only imagine how difficult that is for him. Give him his space, and let him know your there if he needs someone. Aside from that focus on your job right now, I am sure things will work out in the end. Guys don't realize what they lost right away, and stress either tears people apart sometimes or brings them closer together. In this instance it is tearing you apart, but I am sure once his mother passes, he will need some sort of shoulder to lean on, and I am sure it will be you. Give him his space, and don't over anaylze what he said to you, people say crazy things when there dealing with many things at once.
I sure hope you are right. Because he is so convinced in his conviction that he fell out of love with me that he suggested we were never happy, even before we moved. It's like he rewriting history in the negative direction. I'm scared he thinks I would never move back to NYC with him because I wanted to move home so much. I just hope he doesn't think our relationship is beyond repair because he said to me he doesn't believe things could be different. MB he is just saying that to push me away for now. - A month ago
Answerer
See with girls I believe in out of sight out of mind, we tend to get over things easier once someone is out of our lives, but with guys, they don't work that way..you may be out of mind right now in the beginning, but as time goes on guys tend to look back in the past..you have to give him space..it has worked for me every time in this type of situation..you will push him away by askin him questions...you may want him but you don't NEED him, no contact will prove that to him, just give it time! - A month ago
I don't think it will be right away. He is obviously super stressed. He will likely cool down and realize his mistake after you are already over his unloyal ass. Seriously, you are going through a lot right now too. But he can just run because things got tough. It was only 5 weeks! Sounds like a love it and quit it kinda guy.
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When: A month ago
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