Relationship issue - In love but ex-boyfriend still in picture?

Its an addiction for some being in an abusive relationship and to continue to go back. It is not a great reflection on her part. I myself was that girl. Let me tell you that I dated some after that relationship and truly cared or some... BUT I continued to go back to my ex. Now 3 years later I have no feelings for him because of time. And it sounds like your not willing to give her that. YOU can't be her friend. What you need to do is hard. Let her go not permenley but for now let her run back to him and she will come back. And when she does tell her that until she lets go and completley moves on she is not healed nor open for a relationship no matter how much you want her to see how this guy is not right for her only she can be the one to TRULY see that. Give her that time if you EVER want to be with her. The End.

my friend is in the exact same situation. he just tries to look past it. it's hard for him though.

your girlfriend may love her ex, but not be in love with him. three years together is a very long time. so of course they're gonna have some kind of connection. but you just gotta decide if your relationship is worth all this trouble.

i hope everything works out for you. :)

As a girl, I must say...if she wanted to be with you, she would make it happen. I had a friend who had a girl that did something very similar to him and all she wanted was someone to support her and tell her how wonderful she was so that she would feel better, and then she would go back to her boyfriend that was a big fat jerk and string my friend along. I am not saying that this is what that girl is doing, but it sure sounds like it. She needs someone who makes her feel wonderful and that she feels comfortable with as a friend, but she is in love with and stuck on this other guy. She probably does have feelings for you, but truly she may be just using you for someone to make her feel good about herself when she feels bad.

Ugh, she needs to make a choice. Either she moves on and leaves her ex alone, or she goes back to him. She's holding onto something that isn't there. She needs to grow up and realize she can't have it both ways. She has to make a sacrifice somewhere. Life is full of tough choices and this is a crossroads for her where she's gonna have to pick a path.

As it's her first real boyfriend, I assume she hasn't been through the ex-boyfriend dance. The one where you feel like you need them in your life because they were such a huge part of it for so long, but after you make that choice you quickly discover everything is different and you would both be better off not talking as much (or at all).

So, my advice to you, and it's going to be difficult, is to take a step back. Clearly she needs to figure some things out in her head and heart for herself. If you date her now your relationship will be a rebound because she's not over her previous relationship. She can be over her ex, but she's still holding onto the relationship. I would suggest to continue being her friend, but don't let her lead you into a romantic stage until the ex is out of the picture for good. It might work out and it might not, but hopefully it will.

That's tough. The thing is, she needs to move on from her ex. Until she does you are not going to be completely happy and together. That's a hard thing to deal with, and she's been with him a long time, so I'm sure that it's hard for her. But if he is treating her that way time after time, she should eventually man up and tell him she's done. In the meantime, just tell her that you're there for her anytime and that if there's anything you can do to help, that your there for her. Good luck!

Sorry to sound negative, but I think your update was the best move. I wouldn't necessarily cut off all contact, but I wouldn't take anything she says seriously and I wouldn't date her.

She's too narcissistic to love either of you. Take a step back: you had a secret, on/off relationship. Does this ever lead to anything real? The entire relationship is based on lies, manipulation, and dishonesty. Her previous relationship with the abusive guy was too. Your relationship with her has been a continuous sort-of-cheating mess. The chance that she won't cheat on you is zero.

Or, to put the decision more simply:

She's decided she wants a drama-clusterf*** of deception with (at least) two guys involved. She simultaneously tells you both that she "has strong feelings for you." Is that what you want?

If so, by all means, keep seeing her. If not, there's no reason to hope she'll turn into a serious girlfriend, or even a straightforward friend with benefits. She won't.

K number 1, ur dumb..

If she loved you more, he would be cut. He's not meaning the love she has for him is a lot more then what she will every have for you, no matter what you do, HE is her first true love. Sorry to break it to u, and ur some what a rebound if you guys do get together, she will always think of him, and always listen to him. Pick up and go, I know ur in denial, but sorry man. And if she does leave him for you, then she will most likely leave you for some1 else.

Life only gets better when your moving forward, and she's not moving forward with you.

So if you continue standing there... your going to be playing the game for as long as she needs you.

I had the same problem with the girl I was seeing! Your story is basically like mine was. In my experience her ex of some years dumped her and then some months later I met her and we started dating but she had still had strong feelings for him. He would text her and she text him back and I would notice and all she would say is that their just friends now. Naive of me at that time I actually believed her.. So continuing on, we dated for about 3 months without any bumps in the road and all of a sudden out of nowhere she tells me she just wants to be friends. I'm was blown away.. I thought everything was going well. So being the champ I am. I said ok but why? She then told me she see me just as a friend and that maybe sometime later we could hook up again. So fast-forward a month or so of being "just friends" I leave to go on a 2 week trip. On that trip I go to check my Facebook. And to my amazement I see her and her ex in a picture. I get flustered and my mind jumps into conclusion. When I returned I called her to see if she wants to hang out sometime. She said she was busy and I said ok well maybe next time then. So then I ask her some other time busy again. Then I ask her one more time and she was busy this time also but in a later text she admits to why she was avoiding me. She was seeing her ex again! Same guy who cheated on her, abused her and later dumped her! I was angry so I told her off in a sort of good way. I let her know what's going to happen by getting back with him. So I stopped talking to her for couple of months and one day I text her to see how she's doing. I find out that he dumped her once again.. Not surprised and was secretly happy. So we slowly get back together and establish the friendship again and one day at a party were both drunk towards the end of the night things get weird she gets emotional so being the good Samaritan that I am I took care of her and we went outside to go for a little stroll. Bam she turns to me and kissed me and tells me all this about how I mean the world to her. I stop her right there in her tracks. I was confusssseed. Then the truth comes out, she starts balling her eye out over her ex. Grrr didn't like that but I helped her through it. And then we went back in she asked if I could sleep next to her, I was like sure.. Then things got a little hot in the bed but then I stopped it all. What was I doing? Am I just a rebound. So I left it at that and next morning I left bright and early. I was p*ssed and revealed at the same time I could finally let her go. Sorry to rant about my failed romance and I know this is about you! But it seems soooo similar to my story. Be careful, Be careful not to get attached to her. She still has feelings for her ex, she says she doesn't want to see him anymore but that's all a lie! Not to you but to herself! Be careful Be careful this is a very, very sticky and messy situation. Learn from my experience! I wish you luck though!

I vote for cutting this girl from your life, and moving forward.

Whether she's confused, using you as a backup plan, or using you as an emotional tampon (it's a tacky term, but it makes the point better than anything else) this is simply not a woman who can give you the kind of focus and devotion that you deserve.

Her boyfriend's an abusive cheater. But she's repeatedly *decided* to take him back. It's not all his fault. Think about that fact. If someone wants to sell you a sack of horse manure, *you don't have to buy it.* She's bought it, repeatedly. That ought to be a huge red flag that this girl makes poor decisions. She *wants* to date an abusive cheater. Most commonly, women are like this because they're afraid of intimacy. By dividing her intimacy between two guys -- you who treat her well, and an abusive jerk -- she can avoid giving all of herself to one person.

You're correct: it's a never-ending cycle. And it might never end. In fact, you're part of the same cycle, because you've participated in this disgusting pattern a few times and haven't yet run screaming for the hills.

Love's not enough. I truly wish it was. But this girl probably won't change, at least not for a looooong time. Women like this often don't wake up until they're 40 years old. But some of 'em *never* wake up. So if you want her, you might have to settle for having her full attention in a few decades when she's got 3 kids by 2 different abusers and a nasty case of herpes.

Good luck.