I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and the last few months it seems like his interest in me is fading away. Maybe I'm imagining it, maybe not. I'm hoping for some advice on if he is showing a lack or interest or if it's in my head, and how I can make him interested again.
We both have one prior serious relationship; mine was a 3-yr high school sweetheart that lasted until college, and his was a 4-yr and they were briefly engaged. I'm 22 and he is 26.
I really love him, and do many things to show that I care. Bake cookies, buy him a shirt I see him eying, back rubs, affection. I'm not perfect, occasionally I'll get insecure about his ex over something trivial, or get mad that he tries to make me watch a scary movie when he knows they give me nightmares, but I love him and I really try.
It seems like the only time he initiates any kissing or cuddling, it's because he wants sex. When he comes home from work and I try to kiss him, he pulls away from me. When he finally washes up and eats dinner and will kiss me, it's a peck that takes about half a second. I'll be like, "Come on...kiss me for real." or something like that (he knows what I mean when I say this, because I've explained it), and he just looks at me like I'm being weird.
When we go out to eat, he barely speaks to me for the length of the meal (I've tried not talking as much because I am fairly talkative, but then we end up eating in silence). If we're watching TV and I try to kiss or cuddle, about 75% of the time he shrugs me off (I don't do this if it's one of his favorite shows, but if it's commercial? Yeah). If we're laying down and I'm looking at him (yeah, I'm a bit cheesy, I do the whole gazing into his eyes thing, but I can't help it!), he tells me I'm weirding him out and to stop staring at him.
I feel guilty complaining, because of course there are good things too, or I wouldn't be with him. But often I feel as if he is just settling for me because he hasn't found anyone better. He's at a point in his life where he wants to get married and start a family soon, and I feel that he has just decided I'm good enough. But...I want him to be passionate and to feel strongly about me. I've expressed this all to him, along with reasons for why I feel insecure about his feelings for me. He assures me that he loves me and wants to be with me and not to feel that why...but nothing changes in his behavior, and I still feel this way.
I find myself crabbing at him over stupid things because I'm feeling kinda mad about all this, and I know that is just making things worse.
Do I just need to accept that I'm more in touch with my emotions than he is? Is there something I can do to make his feelings for me stronger (or get him to express those feelings more)?
I was the same way with my wife. After awhile I would only cuddle or touch her when I wanted sex and never realized it. Its not because I didn't love her as much or was pulling away, it was because of my personality and the way I grew up. After awhile, she started realizing that I wasn't going to change from the crabbing and talking so she started using action. Until I started doing more of those things that she wanted, she would not give me the things that I wanted. If I touched her because I wanted sex she would pull away. It caused some interesting fights but I soon realized that the relationship had to go both ways and started really listening to what she was telling me.
Im not saying however that this will always work, but maybe its worth trying. Find out what kind of family he grew up in. Mine wasn't an affectionate family so I am not the most affectionate person in the world. I really have to work on it it doesn't just come to me.
Hope this helps and if you want to talk more about this I would be happy to.
You have to ask yourself if this is what you're willing to live with, because for now it's all he can offer. I really don't think that it's lack of feeling that's causing him to be emotionally cold towards you, I think it that is just the way he is. People show love in different ways, you seem to be the type that expresses it physically and you have to understand that not everyone feels that way. It seems that you feel if he doesn't express his feelings the same way - he doesn't feel the same way. That's not necessarily true - he could be showing you but you're not paying attention. Coming from a family that was not touchy-feely, I grew up the same way. My mother cooked for those she loved and my dad rewarded us with a rare smile when he approved of our action. Dealing with that, as I matured into adulthood I only behaved in the way that I understood. It wasn't until I had children of my own did I understand the appeal for affection. If it's good despite this misunderstanding, I think he loves you. Believe me, even with another women, I'm pretty convinced that he will be the same way. Don't take it as a personal rejection - it could be part of his personality. Making him feel bad about it is only making him feel bad about being himself. Accept him the way he is and I'm sure that when you really pay attention - you'll see that he's lavishing you in love in other ways. Good luck.
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