I am a cautious person by nature. I'm hesitant to get involved with people because I've been hurt in the past. While I will show interest in a person, I won't overdo it in the beginning as a self-defense type of thing. However, I've noticed with the guys, who I have dated, pursue me incessantly at first, demanding my time and attention. When I finally start to open up and return their affections, they seem to back off and lose interest.
Are all guys like this? I'm so sick and tired of dating and these stupid games. They might be fun at first, but they lose their appeal pretty quickly. I'm just so jaded. I think I've lost all faith in relationships and guys.
I hate it when girls try and play games, I will play along for about five minutes and then call them out on there crap I flat out tell them to stop with the games, cause its getting no where, and then I say if you want to play games with me we can play games but I can guarantee you that they won't be damn mind games, or that hard to get crap.
I'm uncertain if this time around, that was his defense mechanism? I know he was into me. He said he was wondering, when I left, if he keep me from leaving. I just don't understand how someone can go from being a bit TOO into me, then ready to bail at the first hint of having flaws. He's a flawed person as well, I might add. I gave him an easy way out and he took it. He seemed relieved and was so cold to me. When he contacted me a few weeks later, he said it was so he wouldn't"give me any hope" - 5 months ago
Question Asker
Sorry, I apparently posted the wrong comment under the wrong answer. In any case, I agree about the mind games, but I feel like guys love the chase, not the girl who is being chased. - 5 months ago
The first thing to take notice is that they lose interest AFTER getting to know you. This means the reason they're backing off lies in not the approach, but in what happens after that. Can you explain to me (or us, the members of this site), what you usually do, say, and how you act around these guys at first and then later on? This will help me (and us) to figure out why they're backing away.
From the bare minimum of information given, I think it's possible you're scaring them by bringing up how you've been hurt in the past. This happens to guys also, many girls back away from guys that have been hurt before. Humans naturally want easy relationships.
No, I'm pretty upfront about my past right from the getgo. People probably think that I am very open and honest (to a fault). With my last boyfriend, he told me that I acted in contradictory ways; that I gave him the cold shoulder, but the truth is, I cared about him.
When I feel myself getting attached to a guy, I get scared to be honest. It's not that I don't want to be with them. I really really do, but I'm deathly afraid of depending on someone else for my happiness. - 5 months ago
Answerer
Do you...get attached before or after going on dates with guys? Can you get attached to someone just by knowing them or being friends? Also, pushing people away usually comes from, as you said, bad experiences. The average person will get scared if you start unloading a whole bunch of personal information and especially times you were hurt onto them. You've got to wait a while before you can do that.
Knowing what happened to make you have trust issues would also help determine how to overcom it - 5 months ago
Question Asker
I get attached afterwards, after dating a few months and we decide to go into a committed relationship. Problems in the relationship inevitably come up. In the latest one, my intimacy issues and his trust issues (he's been cheated on alot) came up. He told me he wanted security, but wanted it to work out. Then, later on he switched gears and told me he hadn't known me long enough to have a foundation for a relationship/strong feelings for me. - 5 months ago
Answerer
I can only really suggest two things.
Open up to them a little bit later, don't divulge too much personal information (fears and whatnot).
or.
Try dating different types of people. You seem to be dating people with insecurities too, and that usually leads to a faulty relationship. Try and branch out. - 5 months ago
Agree! totally agree wit you. Happens to me, but for me, after being together for 1-2 years, a serious relationship (stable and also close to each other's family), soon it changes. The guys ask for SPACE and etc. they start to loose interest and get back to their man's thing eg, golf/football/PS2/Work/ex schoolmates gathering etc.
Well, but perhaps for your case, maybe you deserve a better, and more compatible person! Keep up with faith and learn more about co-dependency. I'm trying to master it. Google up on it =)
Hmm, as a general rule, I have found that the guys that pursue incessantly as you put it, aren't the genuine ones, because a guy that really genuinely likes you and cares for you, will ultimately be a little nervous around you and basically wont' be this "big pursuer" - so it's the guys "in the shadows" I've always said are the ones you really want to be going for. I'm like you too in that way - quite cautious about showing interest and am a little hesitant because I won't immmediately trust their persuing. And I've found it a helpful thing. You always know when a nice genuine guy likes you, he won't be as "in your face" about the pursuing, and it might take him a little longer becasue he's checking out if your interested enough too. (because he risks putting himself out there and getting hurt if you reject him). But when a guy isn't as genuine about it he'll just chase incessently becasue he has nothing to lose. And he'll get bored when he gets you. But the genuine guy actually wants you for you. You just have to filter out the bad ones and find the genuine guys :). Or else find a genuine guy yourself and show him a little interest and he'll start responding if he likes you. Pay no attention to the guys that pursue incessently.
I think all the guys are like this. They lost interested really fast and they can move on to another girls without looking back. It happens to me too, I met this guy and I didn't really think much of him but he pursued me relentlessly finally give him a chance and we talks for about three months and I asked him out and he rejected me. I think guys fall in love and out of love really fast. They are visual creature and love at first sight is a norm for them. Me too, I've lost faith in guys and I think I'm better off being single, no pain and tear. lol
I'm glad that I'm not the only one to have experienced this :(. Once you give them a chance, show them "you,"--and I don't mean in the superficial "aren't-I-perfect" sense--they lose interest.
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When: 5 months ago
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