okay, so here's the thing. first off, my family lives like 400 miles away from me. my dad hates the man I'm with, absolutely hates him (and has hated him since I've been "deflowered" maybe even before that) my mom used to like him, but then my mom made me terribly upset one day and so I went home (I lived with my boyfriend at the time) bawling my eyes out and I took one of my sleeping pills and went straight to bed so I wouldn't have to deal with anything else. so my boyfriend called my mom to see what happened, his intentions were good, but they ended up arguing and some not nice things were said to and from each other, so now my mom hates him. right now my parents are under the impression that I am no longer with my boyfriend (he moved far away) and that I've happily moved on. we had broken up for a little while, but we got back together (ldr) because we really love each other and we do plan to move to the same city sometime in the future. I'm too scared to tell my parents that I'm back with him because they said that they'd basically disown me if I ever went back to him, so I've not told them any of that. I've been in a sort of secret relationship with him for 6 months now and I don't really see much point in telling my parents until he and I are at the very least in the same state.
my question is: is it wrong of me to keep this a secret? I'm so scared of losing my family, but I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend too. he's very understanding about it, but it makes me sad that I have to keep 'us' hidden, and it makes him (and me) sad that my family hates him. I don't really feel like I'm lying because they never ask "are you still with that guy" or anything, so I'm really just keeping a big secret. what would you do in my shoes, seriously, no sarcastic or unthoughtful answers please.
if your parents were to actually disown you vs give you the silent treatment, that show a serious lack of family love and devotion. you are not a child anymore, and since your not living with them, there really have few right in the decisions you make, stand your ground. they don't have to like it, they just have to accept it.
They do still help support me financially when I need the help, so in a way they do some rights to the way I live my life. maybe someday I will fifnish college and I woun't have to depend on them as much, money wise. - 11 months ago
I think you're handling it ok right now. It is an LD relationship now so there will be some time before you guys, if ever, get to the same state again and really get back together. I'm thinking that you're worried about the impending get back together time because it will be happening.
I also think that you have to evaluate why your parents hate him. Obviously, parents are very protective of their children and are they right in not liking him or is it based on some personality clash. If it's the latter, then your parents are out of line. If he is/was mistreating you in some way that you were not dealing with, then they are right to stand up for you and to your decision to be with him.
I don't believe that your family will disown you because they're actually stuck with you. They may choose to ignore you for a while to protest your decision to be with him, but if the love and caring is there, then that will not last long.
I ran into a similar happening with my mother in law early in our relationship (now ex). Both of us have strong personalities and opinions that clashed but we are also reasonable people. We agreed to tolerate each other and be polite for the sake of our mutual tie which was my wife and her daughter. It was tense at the beginning but as time passed we actually grew to like each other.
Anyway, keep it under wraps for the time being because the relationship is still up in the air. If you do get back together, then you will have to bite the bullet and let your parents know. I can guarantee that you will not lose your family if you, he, and they use your reasoning and not your emotions.
None of them know about it either. I don't really talk to my oldest brothers (they don't even know who I am when I do call, they had already moved out by the time I was a teenager), one of my sisters and my youngest brother are both away at college and my youngest sibling is only 6, so, yeah. - 11 months ago
My family has always been there for me and helped me when I needed them, I am not drop them and that really didn't answer my question: "is it wrong of me to keep this a secret?" and I would consider that an unthoughtful answer. would you 'disown' your parents if they didn't like who you were with? - More than a year ago
Answerer
Yes, it's wrong of you to keep the secret. There's no reason to keep it a secret.
Would I disown my parents if they didn't like who I was with? No. Would I disown them if they said they would disown me if I got back with someone who they didn't like? Maybe so. - 11 months ago
I think it is wrong of you to keep a secret about your boyfriend. Hey I"ve been there I know how it is to deal with two parents that are so against the idea of being with the one you love, but there opinion shouldn't matter your dating him not them right? Your parents making you choose between your boyfriend and them is totally wrong. That's not parenting and they should love you and let you learn from this on your own if this isn't meant to be. Your older now, your parents aren't around to hurt you anymore and if they are it is because your letting them get to you. Obviously the guilt is weighing heavily on your mind so you should just tell your parents that this is who you truly love and you cannot help that you've fallen for him. If they truly love you they would care about your happiness and except you unconditionally.
Honestly I wouldn't bring him up unless they asked about him or mentioned a relationship. You're a grown woman. If your family is that unreasonable that they would stop speaking to you because you're dating a guy (and he isn't abusive or anything) then I don't know what to say. I think you would feel better and not as if you're hiding.
WHY DON'T THEY LIKE HIM?i THINK You SHOULD COME CLEAN! ESPECIALLY IF YOUR PLANNING MARRIAGE IN THE FUTURE.THEY WILL EVENTUALLY FIND OUT.ITS BEST IF ITS FROM You BEFORE SOMETHING BLOWS UP.
i think your handling it very well, and I know how it is for parents to not like a bf. it sucks. I say just make sure you can be serious.as in possibly marraige with this guy your with, then tell your parents. but do whatever you think best
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When: More than a year ago
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