So here's my question. I've been dating the most wonderful guy for about half a year now and everything is great except for one thing, you see like lots of people I have a few trust issues, which may seem small and insignificant to you reading, but is a concern for me. My brother was a drug addict, my mother a smoker, both lied to my face everyday about what they did, even when I caught them repeatedly. They also each promised me they would quit, over and over, only to have me catch them again and again. When I met my boyfriend he smoked and did pot socially. I didn't ask him to change but he quit smoking on his own because he said he wanted to be around for me for as long as possible. We did pot together a few times, but the question of him quitting never really came up, I guess I just assumed that if he stopped smoking cigarettes he'd stop smoking pot. So just like my family members before him, I caught him smoking behind my back a few times, but I was understanding, quitting smoking is hard to do, so a few here and there aren't bad. But then I caught him in a lie about pot. He said after work one night he went straight home; when I asked him what he did the night b4. But I knew from a text I saw on his phone (I wasn't snooping, he lets me look around on his phone) that he went to someone's house and got high. So I asked again, "are you sure you went straight home?" same answer "yes" so then I confronted him, he said that because his friend couldn't pay him gas money, he'd share some pot with him instead. Ok, I can't be mad at that, ill give him the benefit of the doubt, he never specified he's quit smoking pot, but I'm certain he once said he'd only do it with me when we go out to clubs, not socially with others anymore. He said he forgot he ever said that, whatever, we got lost in translation. So we got into a fight which always consists of me being angry at him and him being sad and/or crying. We got passed it, he apologized. But now I don't trust him, I keep thinking that wherever he's going when I'm not there, he's doing something behind my back and lying to me about it even tho I'm pretty sure he's not. Its not even about the fact that he smoked up, its the fact I caught him in a lie and he wasn't truthful about where he was. He says he's going to quit pot entirely which makes me happy cause I don't really like doing it. But now I associate those two things, the pot and the going places without me. In my mind whenever he's gone, he's smoking pot, therefore lying to me because he said he's quit. I guess it just bothers me so much because I've been lied to by other people so many times b4 about the same type of thing. He seems like he's really sorry and that he'll never do it again, and said he'll call me after work everyday and tell me where he is and ask b4 he goes places he really wants me to trust him again, but its so hard. How can I trust him more and stop overreacting and dragging my past and baggage into our otherwise incredible realtionship?
Read this next sentence a few times, to make sure you understand.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
Got it?
Now, say it out loud. "My boyfriend is not the problem."
Go look at yourself in a mirror and repeat: "My boyfriend is not the problem."
Go do it now. I'm not kidding. When you get back from the mirror, I'll tell you what the problem is.
I'm in no hurry. Take your time.
Here's what the problem is:
When you lived with your family as a child, you learned some behavior patterns, and some ways of dealing with life.
Now, you're repeating that behavior with this boyfriend.
Your family was full of liars and addicts. Now you're dating a lying addict.
See the connection?
You decided to date this guy -- in part -- because his behavior reminded you of your family.
What you're doing is a very common human behavior. It's natural to seek out people who remind us of our family.
Trouble is, when you're family's messed up, you seek out friends and boyfriends who are messed up. And we often select messed up partners because we want to fix in the present all the things that went wrong in the past.
But life doesn't work that way.
The best advice I could give you is to get some therapy or counseling. I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, because it's very effective. It's scientifically proven to help change your thinking and behavior, and to improve your quality of life.
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(Age:18 to 24)
When: 9 months ago
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