OK -- about a year ago, my three year relationship was pretty much ruined when my girlfriend found me flirting with a girl I had known as a kid on the internet. PLEASE bear in mind that I know it was impulsive and stupid, but I've grown up a lot since then and tremendously regret everything that happened. I never meant to disrespect my best friend like that, and have tried to come to grips with some of the self-esteem issues that drove the behavior.
My girlfriend, however, is still pretty scarred and has had troubles trusting me ever since. It didn't help when she later found some less-than-conventional sexual chats I had online that really freaked her out. I feel terrible about this too, but I wouldn't have done it if I knew she would feel that way (she had earlier said she didn't have a problem with cybersex) and have since completely stopped.
I deeply sympathize with her predicament, but here's the rub: I also feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. My girlfriend has gotten drunk and brazenly rubbed up against other men, either when I'm not around or in some instances, right in front of me. There have been times I've been downright humiliated in front of crowds of friends for some pretty brazen inappropriate physical behavior. From my perspective -- though it really hurt -- I knew she made a mistake and deep down, actually loved me. I forgave her the next morning, each time, and she has been much better about drinking, etc.
During a fight she recently revealed that she is still harboring a lot of issues about my distrustful behavior. When we were fighting, she said she wanted to do a spot check of my google chats to see if I had done anything inappropriate. I sort of snapped at being so scrutinized and untrusted (for over a year now!) for doing something that was way more tame than rubbing your breasts and crotch against another guy, and said no, she couldn't.
In retrospect this may have been a little quixotic. I have since been subjected to a standard silent treatment, and she is clearly, clearly pissed and convinced I'm hiding something, which is - f*** me! - definitely not the case.
In fairness to her, when we appeared to be on the edge of breaking up I did excitedly say I would do "anything" to keep her (including disclosing all passwords) but have since thought better of it. She thinks that means I am basically a liar that doesn't keep promises, but more accurately, I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship where my partner could just say "papers, please" at any time. It's just strange, and not exactly attractive.
What can I do? Volunteering the info NOW wouldn't prove anything. In fact, what I told her initially was that even if she DID look, she wouldn't trust me like I implicitly trusted her -- and that's the bigger problem
Thanks -- I just want to know how to make this is right. It's Valentine's!
She probably still has resentment issues and is trying to get back at you and make herself feel better. It's a blow to the ego as you know, so maybe she is acting like that with other guys because she wants validation that she still has IT. Both of you have done wrong but maybe you should just let her look once to make her happy and ease her mind. After it's clear that you're innocent all the drama should stop
Gosh dude, you really are between a rock and a hard place.
You have to decide how much faith you have in her, and how much you're willing to do to make the relationship work.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn;t trust you like this?
Do you think she will ever trust you again?
Is this an issue that will keep comming up over and over and over again years later?
Do you think she's worth it?
You have a lot of work to do if you want to fix this. Sometimes there are things we keep from our partners because we want to protect them. I once let my boyfriend read my diary because I thought it would make us closer and give us a greater sense of trust. But then I realised there was a lot of stuff in there I didn;t want him to see. Too late though, it almost cost us the relationship. I regret every day that I showed it to him, I hurt him sooo much, and it all could have been avoided.
If you really love her, tell her that. Say 'i have matured a lot in the years. I'm not the same guy that used to cybersex all the time and flirt with other girls. I love you more than anything, and I want us to work this out. ' hopefully she loves you enough to want to work it out as well. But it takes two to tango. You both need to be really committed to this.
And in future, don't let her read that sort of stuff. Its not about trust, its about avoiding situations like this where it only hurts her.
Even if you find some way to make it right. you've still got the problem of her behaviour when she's drunk. I don't think there's any way to instantly make it right. Maybe it's possible over time, maybe it isnt. I'd be inclined to give up on this one but learn from your mistake. ie don't be flirting with anyone else when you're in a relationship!
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(Age:25 to 29)
When: More than a year ago
When: More than a year ago
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