How to tell he wants a divorce and not a separation?

My husband and I have been friends 15 years, dating for 6 of them, marriaged for 1 and a half or them.
We started a trial separation on 02/17. We've been going to marriage counseling since Jan. so it's not like we haven't been working on the issues, however, I'm now worried that he is actually done and not trying to save the marriage. He is a people pleaser and hates to hurt or disappoint anyone, so I'm extremely worried he is 'separating' from me to ease me into the idea of a divorce. It's a long story as to how we got to this point and I can talk about that at a later date, but I'm mainly worried his heart isn't into it. Below I'm going to list signs as to why this separation feels like it's over and signs it feels like he is actually trying to save the relationship:

Signs he is done:
- All contact during the separation has been initiated by me.
- I got the "I love you but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you" line the day after we separated
- He is actively taking his name off of our lease. I've discussed this with the landlords, and we can easily put him back on if a reconciliation does occur.
- He has taken majority of his things from the apartment we share.
- He has taken his wedding ring off.

Signs he is not done:
- When setting boundaries of contact for our separation, he (not me) asked to contact every other day to see how we are doing. Even I thought that was a bit much but am doing so for now. Our conversations are mainly about the day and what projects we're working on, not so much the relationship. I make the call everyday or text to see if it OK to call. I work later, so that may be why.
- He still wants to go to marriage counseling, which was his idea to start.
- He says "I love you" at the end of each conversation, and sounds more sincere over the last week.

My question is, does this sound like a man that is done?


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What Guys Said 2

  • Why not just flat out ask him if he wants a divorce or does he truly want to save your marriage? When I went through my divorce, the one thing I couldn't stand was the unknown based on mixed statements. If you're going to go through with a divorce, then so be it. Yeah I hated the very thought (still do and I'm remarried to a different woman). BUT being upfront with someone removed doubt as to where they stand. It gives you a direction to go, even if it's one you really didn't want to, but now have to. I'd just flat out ask him straight up.

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    • I did. Day after the separation started we talked to see how we were. I said to him 'I don't want games. If you're done please say it and if not, please let me know you are trying for this.' I did not beg, I was straight - I wanted an answer. He waited 10 seconds, and in a sad voice he said he wants to work on it. Then I see no wedding ring. I don't vknow what to think.

    • That was then, this is now. Ask him again if he's changed his mind after going through some of the counseling. Be nice, but up front. Try not to have an accusatory tone. Let him know you notice he's not wearing his ring now and if that means he's come to a conclusion that trying to work on the marriage isn't going to work for him.

  • Being the same sort of guy, I think that, in an effort to avoid hurting you, he is sending mixed signals. Overall i think he's done. Taking off the wedding ring is HUGE.

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