Married and now headed for divorce, all in six months?

Yes, it's all happened that quickly. In the beginning everything was amazing. Within three months of knowing each other, we were married, his second, my first. The way we connected, I was sure it was forever, and he assured me that it was.
I can't say that everything was perfect. I worked full time to support us both when he didn't. Most of our meals were ramen and cereal. But I knew he was the one I wanted to be with forever.
But two weeks ago we got into a heated argument that got violent on his part. He had never before been violent. He left but came back several times through the course of the day, sitting in the driveway, menacingly.
I know I should be angry, and I am. I know I should move on, and I'm putting all my effort into that, trust me. But I've spent the last 11 months trusting in my relationship, and this is such a shock to me. How do I get used to it? We barely talk and when we do it's very dry and stiff. I can't honestly say I desire to speak to him, but as I said, I spent the entirety of our relationship sure it would always work out.
He told me he no longer felt anything for me, so I established no contact. But still, there's a part of me that can only remember him as he was in the marriage. I am positive he never cheated, and neither did I. We spent all of our time together.
It may be useful to add that he was a soldier and still prided himself on being one, ten years later. He was sometimes cold and emotionless, he said it was ingrained. I'm just trying to give you a decent view of who he is.
People, how do I get over my mini-marriage? It's been two weeks, I want him out of my system. If you have experience in this, please, help me out.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I have read all the sentences you typed sincerely above and I have really felt deeply sad. Whenever I see unhappy marriages, I just feel very sad and I am feeling to lose my hopes about my future :) How can we trust people? How can we share a home and life with another one? Where is my soulmate...

    I am single, even virgin, even don't have a partner and even I don't have a canditate. I may call myself very picky and very emotional, I just have a very soft and fragile heart. But I feel you sincerely and I wanted to say you; ''I hope one day you will be happy crazily!!! ''

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    • Hey, thank you. Thank you for understanding the weight of this. I am deeply emotional as well, so I guess I walked into it blinded by that.

    • Love it that! When I love I become blind also :/ It is a sweet thing, but somethimes...

Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, I say you do what you can to stay busy.

    It was a whirlwind affair, I would just put it behind you as a life experience. We all make mistakes.

    I would be careful with the next guy, just take things slow. Try not to push for too much. Try to get to know him as best as you can and watch his actions. Try not to get enamoured with him too quickly.

    I had a similar situation happen to me. I went on one date with this guy and he was pressuring me to be his girlfriend, asking me about who I was talking to, if I had any other dates, etc...

    I thought to myself "wow, this guy must really like me if he's asking me to be his girlfriend alraedy". Boy was I ever wrong!

    The guy was unstable, he turned out to be emotionally abusive. It was the worst decision ever. I moved in with him quickly (out of desperation, I had no where else to go) and it was so rough.

    He would threaten to throw my belongings off the balcony, he would say he was gonna set fire to the apartment. He was just a terrible person towards me. He was also unemployed for most of our relationship.

    I look back on it as a life experience. A lesson that I learned and will not repeat.

    Lean on friends, join a class or a group and get out and meet new people. If a new beau asks about your history, don't tell him you were married right away. Wait until you know the guy a little before bringing it up. And just play it off as a bad decision.

    Good luck!

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    • Very apt, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you applying your experience into a helpful answer. Thank you.

    • You're welcome! All the best to you! I know starting over isn't easy, but it's definitely possible. Just have to keep busy and live your life for you :) Eventually it will all be just a memory.

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What Guys Said 13

  • The fact he was a soldier should have been a huge red flag. I know it isn't popular to talk bad about soldiers, but they often have all sorts of emotional trauma do to what they have to endure. You needed a lot longer courtship to make sure that he was mentally stable, and wasn't pretending to be someone else. His being a soldier made that even more true. Soldiers have a far higher divorce rate than average for a reason. I know women get all hot and bothered by a man in uniform, but they tend to make terrible husbands.

    I would advise that you have no contact with him from now on. You can date other people if you want, but don't get into anything serious until you know you are over him. Some people it can help if they date. Other people do better healing on their own before dating again. Either way try to stay busy by living your life the best you can. Eventually over time your feelings for him will fade. Similar to how people grieve the death of a loved one, eventually you will finish the grieving of your relationship.

    Generally they say it takes about half the time of the relationship in order to move on. So within a few months you should see a huge improvement.

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  • well it's just going to take time. that's a general rule of getting over a relationship

    i think a smart thing to remind yourself is that it seems clear that in the 3 months before being married that you didn't fully know this guy. so what you loved about him was only a portion of the person he was. now that you learned more about him you realize that there are aspects of him that you don't love and thus you can now move on and hopefully find a better relationship with a man who better represents what you want

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  • I don't know you married to early... You should have been in a relationship for at least 12 to 18 months... Before marrying him...

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  • Honestly, it sounds like you two had puppy love, moved really quickly, but it ended up not working out. Just try to confide in your best friend, that's what I'd do. If he/she isn't good at cheering you up and not letting you think about your problems find someone you enjoy hanging out with who is. Or, find a hobby that takes a lot of concentration and time and get hooked on it. Just do something to get your mind off of it.

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  • Another divorce at 30! Like the 4 or 5th in one day!

    Seems to always happen to people who start long term relationships in high school!

    Anyhow I'm sorry.

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  • Sounds to me like God was not a part of anyone making any decisions. Just two kids trusting untrustworthy feelings of a fleeting moment to guide their decisions, and paying the usual price.

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  • Jeez, after hearing your side of the story, this sounds like it was all his fault.

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    • Not in the least! I was equally responsible. But stress of work and keeping us afloat got the best of me, I wasn't always the easiest to get along with. Thanks for pointing that out!

    • Show All
    • Honestly? The abruptness. I've been in relationships that have lasted five years, never got married. But I had a gut feeling about this. I did not romanticize the idea of marriage, I had no notebook full of magazine pics of wedding dresses. I got married in a $30 brown dress in my reverend uncle's living room. I'm not a victim of pomp and circumstance. Anyway, yes, definitely how quickly it all ended. One day, in love forever. The next day, you're worthless bitch.

    • I have to admit, I don't have experience quite like this, but I would write him off as damaged goods. I would also stay away from soldiers in the future.

      If he got violent and struck you (and did so first), then you can write him off as violent and be done with it.

      But I think the key to this... and his sudden change is my clue to it... is that what you had never was what you thought you had. Are you familiar with love bombing? Look into cluster B personality disorders. The dude might be borderline personality disordered.

  • Should've had a longer engagement time to see just what kind of person he was before just jumping in since he was on his 2nd marriage.

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  • It tough my friend but stay strong ! Get out with your friends take up a few hobbies it will pass through time ! Going through a break up also so I feel your pain

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  • I can tell you my own personal experience and tell you what I did, send me a private message.

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  • Wow idiots...

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  • you will get over it
    i broke the record, three months

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What Girls Said 5

  • That's your own dumb fault. Getting married after three months? What's the matter with you?

    You just get over it. It was hardly a marriage. It's essentially like when two kids break up after six months. Give it like 3 weeks. You'll get over it.

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  • Three months? Is asking for failure. Rarely ever does that ever work out. I mean , three months is the infatuation stage of a relationship. You only know what they show you.
    I hope you make smarter choices in the future and wait longer.

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  • First of all, so sorry to hear about what happened. But well done on recognising that you need to get him out of your system.
    I dated a soldier, proud of being a soldier etc. What we women don't realise is that these men have been trained to live with other men, often under very difficult circumstances, particularly during active service. This is not the first case of a soldier being violent. They are trained to be violent and some of them are never able to 'untrain' themselves.
    Whilst you might sympathise, you have not been put here to act as his psychologist, or pyschiatrist.
    Move away as fast as you can and start divorce proceedings. This marriage did not sound as though it was built on very stable foundations anyway and the way you are writing implies that you know you have made a huge mistake and want to move on. There is no future for you here. Just because he never cheated and you spent all your time together does not imply that you were happy.
    Of course you thought it would always work out. You sound like a sensible, normal woman. It hasn't worked out. Gather your friends and family round you and start to make a new life for yourself.
    Lots of people get married more than once these days, this will help you pick better next time.
    Good Luck :)

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  • A 3 month courtship was asking for failure. At that stage couples are just infatuated with each other. It takes many more months before you can recognize the other side of the person and decide whether you can deal with that.

    Like any break-up you just need time. Use that time to reflect and do things that will improve you.

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  • I was married for three months, the way I dealt with the pain is feeling my feelings and knowing I was a Great person. Also doing activities outside my house was nice

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