He doesn't want a relationship or he doesn't want a relationship with me?

- Seeing a guy for 4 months.
- Both in our 20's.
- He always said we were seeing eachother, but wanted me and wanted a relationship in the future.
- He'd text/call me all day every day and made plans to see me 2/3 times a week.
- He was supportive, caring, always paid for things, always wanted to see me.
- From the beginning I told him I was a virgin. In my head, I wasn't ready, until I knew what he wanted. He was fully supportive and very respective - never pushed me in to anything/ reassured me he was happy to wait.
- Few nights ago I get a drunk phonecall, he misses me and wants to see me.
- The night before, HE had planned for us to do something later in the week.
- Stupidly I agree to stay at his place. Catch him drunk calling another girl. He tries to deny it.
- I confront him calmly, he allows me to look through his phone.
- He'd been texting another girl for a few days - nothing too bad but he'd also text another girl early into our relationship that soon ended.
- I leave and text him saying goodbye.
- A day later he sends me a big paragraph about how he's sorry he's hurt me, he's no good for me, i'm perfect, I deserve somebody who will treat me right, he's childish, pathetic etc. He ended by basically saying goodbye too, and to take care of myself.
- I reply hours later; I didn't think he was any of those things.
- He replies saying he doesn't want to continue meeting because he doesn't want a relationship and that he should't have strung me along, he has commitment issues.
- His mom, who I have never met/spoken to/seen tries to message me on Facebook. I didn't know she knew I existed. She's shocked because he apparently told her all about me and was 'smitten'. She told him she was unhappy with how he treated me. She thinks he's sorry.

Does he really mean it all? Did he panic because I caught him? I feel like he's still texting her, but will space make him realise what he wants. We haven't spoken in days. I miss him.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • poor girls have to deal with so much junk wounded boys. where to start...
    1) get professional counseling - your drawn to a wounded duded. He actually knows he's wounded and needs counseling. Your looped into it.
    Does he mean what? he's screwed up and needs counseling. He has a decent mom, possibly an absent dad as he doesn't know how to treat a girl, have any boundaries, etc.., there is no man there yet. I can't say if he doesn't want a relationship with you or any (meaning he's being taken into the idea of casual sex with no strings... my guess)... thus he is fishing.

    you put down a boundary with him, that's good! don't move it because he is needy... he will lose respect for you and relationship problems will still exist.

    Did he panic - probably. he's acting out of pain, possibly desperation for sex and he isn't emotionally sound. you're gonna get hurt if you don't take a step back and get counseling or move on.

    Emotional strings are attached that is why you mis him. But you found out quick there is some problems here. I just wrote a wrong note to someone else on this... same message... get counseling or else...
    how's this sound... you, him, and his mom sit down and talk about all this. Then you agree to go to counseling together. That is the only hope I see... and see where it ends up. maybe she'll pay... her baby boy, who probably didn't have a dad needs help before he goes down a lame road.

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    • Thank you for your advice. I admit, stupidly, I still want him. Though not necessarily physically, we had an emotional connection. The fact he waited four months and was happy to wait longer for me doesn't add up. If he cannot commit then why commit himself to waiting? Why not move on early into discovering if sex was all he was after? He tells me he has commitment issues, then why not run away months prior to this when I asked him what we were? Why only run away when he feels guilty for getting caught? I know I'm stupid for wanting him back but I feel like he needs somebody who understands him. He told me early into the relationship that he had anxiety issues years ago and I wonder if this plays a part in things.

    • well, you are asking good questions and being the adult. people bond emotionally in the sub conscious, your little childs inside you see something familiar and comfy. That isn't always good though. your gonna need counseling on this one I assure you. He isn't confident in who he is, so you are just taking in a wounded bird and that says something about you. That's sweet, but what if it needs heart surgery to heal? You got the skills? Trust me you don't:) You'll need to guide him to a counselor and see if that cleans him up. Anything else, I'd say you're just gonna suffer. You need help with setting a boundary around yourself... whatever it takes to keep your heart "emotional stability" healthy. Bonding with him is like tying a boat to the Titanic. I feel bad that girls are so drawn to these types, but its kinda wired into some of you... nurturing gifts, possibly your own wounds, bad boy syndrome. good luck!

Most Helpful Girl

  • In my experience, when somebody tells you that they don't want a relationship, you should believe them.

    The "why" can be any number of things - and unfortunately, very few will tell you what it is, sometimes, they don't even know the answer themselves, and all they know is that they are not ready/you are not the right person etc.

    Sorry this happened to you. It's really hard to let go of someone you really liked & were hoping to get closer to. I would suggest that you move on and forget about him, but you could keep the channels of communication open if you like and reach out at a later stage to see what's up.

    If he has commitment issues and knows it, it's probably in your best interest right now to date someone who doesn't have those issues.

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What Guys Said 2

  • First of all has he got an ex gf? If so how long was it until he got with you after the previous relationship?

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    • This is the thing. He never opened up about past relationships, never told me about other girls. I only know of one girl in his past (through Facebook stalking I'm afraid to admit) and that was years ago. He described himself as a closed book which I completely agree with.

  • When men or women say things like this, it almost always means they don't want a relationship WITH YOU

    Either way, you should move on.

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What Girls Said 2

  • By what you posted he doesn't want a relationship with you. Just move on the best way you can.

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  • Don't think he wants a relationship with you.

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