Does this sound like I should stay or go?

Married 4 years. Didn't understand the level of commitment involved in marriage but went along with it since I wanted stability and love. Got along well but to be frank, didn't have much conversation since he was studying about 3 years of the marriage. I was fantasizing of sex with other men after 7 months of marriage. I didn't cheat at any point due to my values. I toyed with the thought of trying to fall in love and loving him but my heart was more focussed on others. I've informed him about my stance and he is in deep deep pain. He has dreams for a future together and children. I know he loves me very much. I'm more focussed on a guy I've fancied for the last 3 weeks...
He wants to keep fighting for our marriage and to get counselling. I'm not really interested. I desire to leave... maybe to nothing and nobody but instead get to know myself as person as prior to marriage, I was locked away, sheltered and told what to do... I had deep inner screaming sexual urges but was 'punished' for thinking that way...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • why be miserable? while he sounds like a great guy and wants to work with it, why take the chance of you slipping and ebing with somone and some how end up with this other persons kid? protection isn't 100% fool proof and it would just make it so much worse and you would look like a bad person by everyone except by those who really care for your feelings on things.

    i believe in marriage and not divorce but if i had to chose between someone being miserable and being happy i would let them make that choice and would do what they wanted. because not doing it and ending up being with someone else while your married is really taboo to a lot of people.

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    • I've only known commitment in relationships/marriages in most of my family. I however seem more preoccupied with having passion since I've been starved for many many years. If it's not fulfilled in marriage, this seems to be why I'm looking outside. Would he let me have that? Probably not.

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    • He just asked me to list everything that wasn't said. As much as I kept saying that it would be torture to him, he still asked me to since he deserved to know. He hasn't taken it well, just threw in a box of pills since I mentioned a lack of manliness in having to rely on pills and cigs to deal with problems. He used to go to prostitutes and drink x amounts of red bull before we met. He's grown up with many crutches which despite my own past, I've learnt how to be tougher. He would tend to whine a lot which doesn't give me the sense that this man would be strong for my children.

    • it isn't that would not be strong enough , some peopel even guys dont have a high tolerance for pain , and it seems he has to go ton those things because he does not really thinks being a bit uncomfortable would is not that good of an idea.

      if he does things just sdo you can be with him and your still not wanting to be with him then maybe it would be best but like everything on this site take it with a pinch of salt because in the end it has to be your choice not anyone's choice on here.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It has not even been Married 7 years here, dear, And already you are in a Relationship Rut of Having the 'Married 4 years' Itch.
    It is quite Obvious there is no Love Loss on your own end, So the Best from the Rest thing to do is set him Free and to give Both of you another Chance for Romance.
    The Grass is not always Greener on the other side of the fence but with no love in your own Heart, At least he can find true love once again in his own.
    The next time, Make sure it is What and Who you Want. For now, Take your Time down the Love Line.
    Good luck. xx

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    • He keeps wondering what was the catalyst in getting me to act and be this way. I've changed jobs, have more time being on my own and ironically have developed chemistry with a man I'm colleagues with. For some reason, I want to be around a strong man.

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    • Yes, exciting and a bit nervous indeed but make sure with Anything, you have a Game plan even to have a new life and a new man. xx

    • Thank you for the Vote of Confidence. xxoo

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What Guys Said 5

  • So he has been studying and working on his life for 3 years, what have you been doing during that time?
    You had deep inner screaming sexual urges, did you fulfill any of those with him? Did you open up to him sexually?

    You can still get to know yourself ''within'' your relationship, tell him about how you feel, tell him about your fantasies and what you want to do. If he is willing to listen then it could bring you closer and you get someone to talk to and you can trust as well. Take the bonus that you have someone that cares about you at the moment, when you go single then you won't and you will be all alone, only to deal with guys who won't give a shit about you.

    Follow your heart, if you must leave, then do so. But figure out your feelings at the moment first, write if you have to, express yourself and find out what you truly want.

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    • I was literally in a room over shopping online, working late night shifts, chatting to friends. Basically being a single person. I never felt passion towards him and he did not fulfill me. I would ask him and show him but he found it hard to grasp over the last 5 years. I began to feel fed up. I want to get to know myself in marriage first and then make my decision. I want to get into individual counselling first since this is a major step for me to reveal...

  • In order for a relationship to work, both people have to think they are getting something out of it.

    Divorce him. The heart wants what it wants. No sense staying in a unhappy marriage.

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  • Instead of therapy just experiment with bdsm and tell your man to put on some muscle.

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    • If you don't think that'll help then I think you should leave and be on your own to find yourself and who knows maybe you'll end up back to get or find a new lover.

  • Your old enough to know yourself by now, you really should give counseling a try so you can discuss your issues , marriage is work between both parties, you need to discuss what's lacking in the marriage, sounds like he is willing to do what it takes to work on it but you haven't given him a chance. It's not always greener on the other side, you married for some reason in the begining

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    • I remember loneliness while I was single and many disappointments however despite the security in marriage, I seek passion which has not been fulfilled in this marriage. I'm toying around with a sexual relationship on the side but I have values and a moral yardstick which stops me.

    • Why can't you get that from him? Is he resistant to it or is he bad at it or worse and you have no attraction for him in that way?

  • Well you have now screwed someone else's life because you don't really know what you want. What a shitty thing to do.

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    • If I knew 5 years ago and said it before saying 'i do', wouldn't be in this predicament. I'm very sorry and fought this over years. I could keep on the 'lie' or tell him. Think it was important to let him know...

What Girls Said 2

  • Yeah, you're clearly unhappy and have personal issues to work on as well. I'd recommend leaving the marriage but avoid getting into anything with anyone for a while so that you can work on figuring out yourself and what you ultimately want from a partner and from life.

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  • It's best to leave. I married someone I thought I'd fall in love with (even had a kid with) but that never happened. Never cheated on him but I would've ended up doing that. So... I divorced him. It was amicable since it wasn't due to cheating or anything. I really hurt him but he is moving along just fine now. Even has a new girlfriend and I'm good with that.

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