I need to rant for a bit, penny for your thoughts?

So here's the dumb thing about what I'm doing with my life. I can't get anyone in my life consistently, I have a habit of pushing EVERYONE away in fear of them hurting me like someone I thought to be my best friend did. I've also been studying the brain in an effort to go to medical school to study depression. How the brain will focus on negative events and thoughts. So I know why I'm so stuck on this girl that I loved or thought I did.

I have the knowledge know to understand why I feel the way I do now. I know that after having that friend in my life for 7 years, my brains happy place is to constantly be talking to her about the things I love and the things that bother me... everything. I mean fuck... at some point I thought she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with for various reasons. Now that I've been studying more and more the lingering thoughts of her are more down to a science than they are a longing for her. Why we pushed each other away, what made us both treat each other like shit... I need to understand that. I need to find a way to fix it not just for myself. I can't stand the thought of 2 people as close as we were to do that to each other because of the way their brain works.

I love her yet I hate her, I want her to be happy yet I just want to go up to her to say "FUCK YOU". Depression sucks, I have no idea where my emotions are and all that I can think about is killing myself because I think that would make me happy. But what about everyone else? I'm smart, I won't try to say I'm not, I know I am. I know I'll find a way to help people who've known nothing but sadness their whole life find happiness. What's going to happen if I ever fix myself though, will I lose my drive to help everyone else? If it wasn't for her and all this suffering I probably wouldn't want this for my life. So I don't know if I'm better off this way or not.

God dammit, I fucking hate being human.


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What Girls Said 1

  • As a therapist and fellow human I'm always trying to understand the why and how. Often in relationships we develop coedependancies as a way of coping with change and self doubt. It's easy to get hung up on someone when you it's hard to see who you are with out them. That can be one reason why people push each other away.
    It sounds like you have really been doing some good work on your self. It's hard work, but it's worth it. Seeing a therapist of some kind can really help support you in that. I often use awareness practices to help clients notice their thoughts and feelings in the moment. We all get triggered at times, but it feels good to chose an action rather than just react.

    If you want to have more philosophical psych discussions feel free to message me.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Sounds like Lithium Bride.

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