We talked about getting married, starting a family and then next day, he dumps me?

I've been with my boyfriend for a few years now. We were just talking about getting married and having kids. And the next day, he breaks up with me and tells me that he hasn't been happy for a long time now. WTF. What am I missing? How am I suppose to move on? I feel like he blindsided me.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You were not missing anything and indeed he blindsided you. Do not get into the funk that you missed something or that you trusted when you shouldn't have or that you're dumb. Please try to take in all of what I'm saying rather than finding one point and disagreeing with it, thereby missing everything that I'm about to say. I don't want you to discount the entire gestalt because of a singular opinion of mine that may be incorrect.
    First of all, he has been thinking of breaking up with you for quite some time. It doesn't matter why, it matters that is how he felt. You understand that there is a difference between what he was thinking versus what he felt, what he was feeling. He did not discuss this with you because it avoided a confrontation. The fight was unnecessary, why he was in a situation that was comfortable. He was lying to you, not directly but by what is called lying by omission – if you Google, "lying by omission" it will give you a deeper understanding of what I'm saying. Misrepresenting your relationship by not telling you all of how he felt and allowing this lie to persist was easy for him because you wanted this misrepresentation to be real. He just went with the flow. Whatever your living situation was he liked it it was comfortable. He allowed you to have a positive feeling regarding the relationship because at first that's exactly how he felt but the change was never picked up by you because he gave out no signals that it wasn't. A guy like that is not in touch with his feelings. He didn't even know scratch that he didn't even feel his own negativity because it crept up slowly and he wasn't in touch in the first place.. It is very difficult if not impossible to pick up how the other person feels if he doesn't give out signals because he's not in touch with those signals in the first place. Those are the kind of people that go to psychiatrists and the first question in the shrink asks is, "are you happy?" And the patient answers, " well I think I..." And the psychiatrist said I don't want to hear what you think I want to hear what you feel!" It baffles the patient!
    I promise you that is what was happening. You then get into a discussion about marriage children in the little house with the white picket fence and all of a sudden he is confronted with well how you feel about this relationship?" It scares the crap out of them as reality hits him like a baseball bat. It's not like he gets in touch with his feelings over this

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    • But rather the relationship and the situation is dumped right in front of him. His panic is real. That is what he feels. – – Panic, fear he breaks up with you because of that one feeling panic and fear. He doesn't want to get married to you he doesn't want to live in a little house with you or kids with you. All of that scares the crap out of them and his reaction is to break up with you. In your situation take one feeling and its explanation at a time. It's like what they say take a day at a time. Well that's what I suggest to you. First understand why he broke up. Understand the feelings that he was not able to sort out until you had the discussion of marriage the house the kids then understand that his reaction was based in fear and it was to break up with you. I'm glad he did. I am sorry but I'm saying this and please understand that I'm not trying to hurt you but I am glad he broke up with you. This avoided a divorce three years from now. After he woke up deciding he wasn't happy.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Thats a tough topic... and im willing to bet that you brought it up...
    Guys don't willingly bring up marriage to "talk" about it, they just go ahead and do it. You hit him with a huge dose of reality... and he said he hadn't been happy for a while right? he just figured he'd rather dip now than continue not being happy... forever.

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    • He was the one the bought up moving in together and he was the one that was making plans for our future. I did not.

    • well... that just makes everything strange then.

  • Something is missing from the story. Was it "We were talking" or was it you bringing up it and him just passively agreeing?

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  • That's fucked up, he probably isn't the type to want to settle down

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  • He dumped you because he doesn't want marriage and kids.

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What Girls Said 8

  • You need to read the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy".

    Like really, order it now. Your scenario of how your boyfriend broke up with you was one I remember reading in that very book.

    www.amazon.com/.../ref=sr_1_6

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  • I suppose having had a talk about the serious stuff he's realised that you aren't he person he wants to do that with, or that he isn't at that stage where he wants to be that serious.

    If you've been together a good few years and he's seemingly ended things out of the blue perhaps you should try speaking to him and getting a bit of an explanation. He may be going through something more serious than what it seems, but then again he might not be. It might just be the end of the line for you two.

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  • maybe he was scared of the idea of commitment?

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  • He saw the relationship was getting serious and told you the truth about his feelinga. It doesn't make you feel better but at least it wasn't one day before the wedding.

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  • Did you ask for a reason?

    It's really so hurtful, I feel sorry for you.

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  • If you really sit and think about things can you honestly come up with any situation (s) or behaviors that might've been a hint but you didn't want to see it?

    I'm going through a tough breakup and now that we haven't talked in a month I see many things I missed but should've paid attention to when with him. Just a thought...

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  • Happened to me recently. He turned out to be depressed and lost feelings not only for me but his family and friends as well. I thought he was just busy with work at the time.

    He was super confused and felt like he was dragging me down with him.

    It broke my heart but I when I talked to his family they told me how he used to tell them how happy he is with me and so in love not long ago.

    This may or may not be the same situation for you. You don't want to live with someone who doesn't want you but if he is sick his love is hiding somewhere.
    Read about depression signs and how you can support him if he is.

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  • maybe his mind started racing afterwards and this was him blowing up?

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