(Ladies I need your advice) Girlfriend broke up with me after 10 months because she needs to work on herself and love herself?

Hi everyone, My girlfriend just broke up with me out of the blue. Literally didn't see it coming, and it broke my heart because I was blindsided. She said I didn't do anything wrong, and that I treated her so amazing and was so wonderful to her. But she said she doesn't feel like she's putting as much effort in as I do. She said she feels like she's only been giving 70% and I've always given 110%, which she said isn't fair to me. and she said part of this is that she doesn't love herself right now and feels like she can't fully love me until she loves herself. She mentioned that sometimes I was a bit needy/dependent and wasn't positive all the time, but she said that didn't affect her decision. (I think she was throwing me crumbs because I kept asking if it was my fault). I mean I think maybe it's because we spent too much time together. We spent almost every day and night together (besides during work hours) since our third week of dating. We never had much alone time, but that never bothered me. Maybe she lost her sense of independence and self? I just don't know what to do because this was my first serious relationship (I'm 24) and she's had one other serious relationship (she's 22). Does anyone think her reasoning makes sense? Can someone really throw away so much love just to work on themselves? She said she won't rule out us getting back together. So I'm trying to be hopeful but all my friends are telling me to move on for now. Any advice? I'm lost... Sorry for the long post but any advice is greatly appreciated.

Updates:
She called me two nights ago and we spoke for about 25 minutes, just talking about what we've been up to the last few weeks. I asked her to tell me the truth on why she broke up with me, and she said it does mainly all have to do with her.. But she said she's been happy the last couple weeks... Which I am happy for her and told her that, but it sucks to hear at the same time. Is there anything I can do to get her back? I told her when we broke up I would do anything or work on anything..
Any other ladies have advice on this situation?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Loving yourself first is important but after 10 months I'm sure there is more to it than that. The fact that she even mentioned you've been needy is a big sign that it's turned her off. We've all been there, especially when you're not receiving all you should out of a relationship and your needs aren't being met. If she wasn't giving you her all, I would assume it's just not the right time to be together. You guys spent a lot of time together. Perhaps more time apart and giving each other the opportunity to miss one another from time to time should've happened. Maybe it will just from this break up and she'll realize how much you mean to her. Hang in there

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    • Thanks for the input, and yeah that's kind of what I've been thinking. I talked to her last night and asked her to give me everything straight even if it may hurt me, and she said that everything she initially said was true. I don't think she would lie to me like that you know?
      And I get it, maybe I was a bit needy sometimes, as this was my first serious relationship so it was all new/rookie mistakes. But I feel like those are things that, if they were bothering her that much, she would have/should have mentioned to me. Don't you think? After looking back I can understand why she said those things, but I also easily could have acted differently if I actually knew those were things that bugged her, and ultimately it would help me better myself.

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    • Well they seem like things that can easily be said but they're always very awkward to say. Especially if you don't know how the person will react.
      I would appreciate someone telling me that too so I can work on it but it rarely ever works out that way. At least you're a guy that likes to talk about things like that because there is plenty of men who don't and they just avoid. Sometimes we aren't aware we are acting that way, we are just trying to make the best of it and when someone else is being aloof or not acting the way we think they should be, then we almost panic about over it and seek some validation. We are only humans, we make mistakes and sometimes we care such a great deal that we can't control it. If it's meant to be with your girl I'm sure you'll find a way back to one another :) we learn a lot about ourselves and what we want out of relationships through dating:)

    • Yeah that's true, some of those things are hard to bring up, but definitely are much appreciated to know. And the thing is, I have been basically the same person since we started dating. If I've been needy and lacking in positivity, then I have been that way the entire 10 months, you know? So I feel like if they were that big of a deal, she woulda broke it off sooner or told me about it. We always said we wanted to be open and she usually was. Also, her examples of me not being positive were: getting mad/annoyed at traffic, not fully enjoying my job, and get annoyed when having to wait in lines... I feel like that's not necessarily me not being positive, that's more impatience, which A. Is easy to work on I think? B. Kind of petty things to have been annoyed with (which is why I don't think it's a big deal).
      And that's true, I've heard it's like learning to ride a bike. Everyone falls off the first few times. And hopefully it works out, I really love her. And I treated her amazingly.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Her stated reason is an excuse. This is a fairly common excuse among women in that age range. She doesn't want to hurt you more than necessary, so she is trying to take the blame. But there is something else going on. Maybe she is tired of being with someone who she perceives as needy, maybe she realizes that she doesn't love you and she never will, maybe she found someone else (especially since this came at you suddenly and unexpectedly.)

    "Maybe we can get back together." That is another way that she thinks will let you down easier. She wants to do that because she feels guilty about the breakup and she doesn't want to think too badly of herself, but. . . you're never going to see her again. Don't hold onto any hopes of reuniting with her. It's not gonna happen.

    Learn your lessons from this experience. Think about why she left you. Think about what it felt like for her. Try to see it from her perspective and then think about how you could change yourself so you can be a better partner. Then move forward with your life.

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    • Yeah I get that it could be an excuse, but I think there is some truth to it. We are both young, and a lot of people our age don't know what they want in life right now, and many just want to be single, free, and able to focus on themselves. Which makes sense for her, as she even said she thinks she may be too immature right now, whereas I am very mature for my age and feel like I could settle down now. And wouldn't you agree one of the biggest parts of a relationship is communication? She never mentioned any of these these as issues before, so It would be unfair to break up with me without even giving me the chance to fix things, don't you think?

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    • Yeah, I guess I could see that... But she actually told me she loved me first. And we were pretty serious and deeply in love. We almost moved in together after dating for 4 months, which I guess is good we didn't... I just don't know what else could be going on? I know a lot of people in our age group just want to be single, free to do what the want and not be tied down or have anyone to answer too. I think she may be going through this. Thoughts?

    • Everyone I have ever dated has known whether they want to settle down into a committed relationship or be free to date casually. I don't think women enter a relationship thinking they want to settle down and then change that decision once they are into a monogamous relationship.

      I think you are looking for a reason to not accept what appears to be obvious to others: either you killed the love by being too clingy/needy, or she found someone else.

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What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 3

  • It most likely means she found someone else, as sad as it is to say. I had an ex who said and did almost the exact same thing to me very recently and found out from Facebook that she was with another guy. I'm still getting over this myself but I would say just start to forget her and move on because nobody that loves you is gonna let life or some other petty reason get in the way of their relationship. Trust me, if you were some other dude, she would be trying to work it out with you if she felt it was a problem.
    PS. don't fall for any of her apologies, she's just doing that to most likely rid herself of any guilt, not necesarily because she means it, most likely.

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    • Yeah, I don't think she found someone else because she's not that kind of person, at least from what I know about her. It's probably just other excuses, and maybe since she's still only 22, she's just trying to experience life without being tied down.
      But I agree, I don't think she should let stuff like that get in the way if she truly loved me. A couple friends of mine said she may have been in love with the idea of being in love/in a relationship but realized she wasn't ready?
      Good advice though, thanks!

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    • Look, I know it's hard. Trust me but if you really love this girl. Love her from a distance and move on. Don't encourage or contribute to her lifestyle. People like her and my ex are emotionally unstable. They love you the next minute then couldn't care less about you the next minute and move on to the next and do the same thing to them and then will try to run back to you. It's an endless cycle that'll go on for years if you let it and you'll have to deal with it without actual being in a relationship. But if you truly love her and wanna be with her, Let her learn to deal with her emotions alone and do what she wants. She's demonstrating that she wants to experience love the hard way and you just have to accept that. Don't wait around because once you start getting played, the anger from letting her use you will consume your love for her and I know you don't want that... Just continue improving you for YOU and the right person will come along and make you see what true love is like..

    • Yeah that's all true. Thanks man. Like you said it's just hard. I really miss her and all the good times we had together. And I feel like I didn't really get closure in a sense, since I don't know why everything worked out the way they did exactly

  • People like this will create constant problems in your life... Mind games like you wouldn't believe. You might not see it now because love is blind.
    Your friends are right. Just move on.

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    • That's probably true.. People have just been telling me to take her word for it, because she wouldn't have a reason to lie to me. But I guess maybe just to hurt me less. And that's also true, I'm still really in love with her

  • Women say that shit just to compensate for the real reason they're dumping you. She said you came across as too needy and dependent and weren't always positive. Deep down inside it affected her and she lost attraction for you. The fact she did it randomly out of the blue means she's been sitting in her room thinking about it for a while.

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    • She did tell me she had been thinking about it for a month or so...
      At the same time, relationships are about communication. So if these things were issues, she never brought them to my attention before breaking up. So I never realized I had those issues, and if I would have been notified, I think those are things that can be worked on and fixed easily. Whenever I had issues with how she was acting or anything that bothered me, I brought it up and we talked about it. And things were fine after. So it'd be really messed up for her to break up with me for something that I didn't even have a chance to fix you know?

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