I really don't know what to do?

My now ex boyfriend and I of five years had a rocky few weeks but normally we don't really argue.

He found out his job might be at risk and switched on me completely. He went all moody on me and his personality kind of went distant.

Following an argument two weeks later, We had a argument at one point as i was stressed out and felt he was never around and i said i felt alone with him being away a lot - i regret it but i kind of burst as i had been under lots of stress. That is where it all started really. he told me he can't say he loves me anymore and suddenly has no feelings and said he was hoping to. It blew over... after an intense conversation about what we should do about the relationship and he just kept saying he didn't know. It's like he didn't want to break up or didn't know how to say it - not sure which one.

We have been looking at buying a house which he was happy about, we even put an offer down which we planned to pull out the following Friday should the redundancy happen.

He received a job update again which he heard he might be away a lot and said to me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore again. We then didn't speak for two weeks as he cut me off after a tense conversation where we broke up on the phone, as he just wouldn't speak to me. I did try to speak to him as girls do, got ignored every time. He tends to think people would just walk away from him so i didn't want him to think i would just give up.

Last Saturday i turned up to his house. He purchased a new play station a tablet and some more DVDs. Said that he just wants to be on his own and wouldn't look at me at all, wouldn't look at my face was starring out the window clenching his fists. If I tried to look him his eyes started watering. He said he can't tell me he loves me back and didn't see the point basically.

Updates:

Said he would rather be on his own and will be on constant business travel due to a redundancy in his team meaning he is booked up constantly now Monday to Friday each week until October so far. He said he thinks of himself as a loner now. Said he has had a clear mind for the last two weeks and is really happy as he hasn't got to worry about anyone but himself. I don't believe that for a second as he looked really upset and i don't know, kind of unstable.
His parents were worried about him as we were communicating and he looked miserable and just wasn't himself but he wouldn't speak to them.

I feel really bad for walking away from him but he literally didn't give me a choice as he had no interest in being near me. If I touched him he would move away most of the time. I did try to stroke his back and back of his head (which he likes) and he didn't move.

I can't get my head around how much he has changed so quickly. I am heart broken.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • He is probably depressed. Guys have huge work stress let alone if they think they might lose it.
    Visiting him in his house is the best you can do at the moment if that's suits you. You'll feel alone and rejected. If he still doesn't know if he wants a relationship you still have a chance if you are willing to wait. If already said you need to break up clearly then you can't really do anything.

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    • Thats the problem he isn't saying about breaking up he just keeps saying "i don't know" and is struggling to say he loves me back. Then when i say about it he doesn't say anything. I am not sure what is going through his head it's so stressful. I need to give him space and that is all i can do but at the same time i worry he will think i don't care. Wish we could roll back to a few weeks ago, but at the same time he may have been feeling like this for a while - who knows. His not exactly a talker! It wouldl be easier if we lived together as i would have more access to him. He is just pushing me away it seems.

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    • It's just heart breaking. 180 flip.
      When he comes back from it he is the same guy as before. Will you be waiting for him is the question but I hope you don't give it up easily❤
      Stay strong XXX

    • Thank you. I am hoping for the best but i am worried he will disappear now. At the end of the day there is only so much i can do. If i still feel the same way i will make a delivery to his house on our 5 year anniversary and just pretend it was already ordered (so i don't look psycho) as i normally make surprise deliveries and stuff like that as gifts and he loves it. xx

What Guys Said 1

  • Fuck... is your life only bfs? find a hobby!

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    • I have hobbies thanks - worried about his health as he doesn't deal with pressure very well.

    • How rude are you. She obviously cares about this guy so if you don't have anything to say that can advise her then don't say anything

    • @Nicole_sm Thanks Nicole! xxx

What Girls Said 3

  • If I wear you I'd leave him be for a bit. I know it's hard but I'd go see my family and friends and maybe go away with friends for the weekend. I'd do it and see if he was in my mind and if after you not bothering he'd come back. Sounds like he's trying to fin out what he wants to me and i wouldn't just sit around waiting. I'm not saying move on to the next one but being around family and friends will help x

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    • Thanks for the reply.
      Yeah i am trying to resist the urge to contact as much as I can - breaks my heart but trying my best. I think he needs to get over the whole sitting at home watching TV/Play station phase...

    • Bless it's hard but try not to lock yourself away. That's what I did and I just ended up sitting there thinking of it over and over again. In the end I thought I only have one life so I best fill it with family and friends who love me and have fun whilst I can. I know the right guy will come when it's time but I'm thinking about me until it does X hope your okay and be strong because you deserve more and can have anything you want if you put your mind to itx just be strong xx

    • What happened in your situation then? Yeah definitely, time for yourself is a good thing. xx

  • You have to accept that he doesn't want what you want, for someone to just say that out of the blue means he has probably been feeling this way for a long time. Save your money, get yourself together and keep busy. Break ups are hard but why be with someone who you feel like you have to make love you, and can't do it on their own like they once did.

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  • It sounds like he is suffering from intense fear, and it is literally blocking all his other emotions and thought processes.

    Buying a house TOGETHER is a financial lock. You'd basically be married financially. It sounds like he didn't want to be married, but he wanted to start a life with you... and hit a dead end.

    Relationships cannot survive without 100% commitment. He has to make a decision. It is very obvious that he still has feelings—he just doesn't know what to do with them.

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    • I think this is true because... I identify with him. I know what that "emotional switch" is like. Right now, he is horribly confused, and he may believe (a little) that he doesn't love you anymore, but it is only because the anxiety is blocking you out.

      If you are really interested in saving the relationship, you will have to be willing to suffer a little. I would wait a week or two before contacting him, and then write him a letter.

      Explain to him that you understand that he is afraid of moving forward so far, and that you aren't mad. Reaffirm to him that you understand his job is stressful and that you two living together is even more stessful. Were you going to cosign the house? Cosigning a house unmarried is a HUGE financial risk. If you really want to see a future with him, are you willing to chip in on some food? You will be putting an investment into the home, but you will have absolutely no claims. You will have to decide if you want to invest thousands of dollars

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    • It sounds like you poured a LOT into this guy... I know how hard it is to watch everything crumble... and feel totally helpless. And you feel like you'll never get that part of you back, or ever love anyone as much... but you will.

      It sounds like you were doing a lot of giving, though. Was your relationship healthy? Was he heavily dependent on you for security?

    • Nah not at all. I had my own life as well. We were just getting to the next stage of the relationship so saving and stuff like that so it all got a little boring. He has told his friends we have split now I hear so no going back now. I just need to get used to it I guess.
      To be honest I have answered some questions post break up and I keep a diary and looked through it and we haven't been happy for about a year really with the odd good times. It come down to me really wanting a house and him not really bothering with saving and stuff which was getting me down. He just didn't act motivated. The odd time he would get better then he would go into "can't be bothered" mode again. I am starting to realise it's the relationship I miss and not him after all as we clearly want different things at this stage in our lives. X

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