She's giving me one last chance. What should I do?

We've been together for almost a year and a half. Things have been great, we can talk for hours, and never get bored, play like a kid. Fairytale. Granted, we started out as friends. We think we have the most similar personality ever, and our friends think so too. We have talked about marriage, and kids. Met her family. Just like romantic movies. lasted for a year.

My perspective: Arguments arise when she started to go clubbing and confessed that there were grinding (she could feel dicks behind her). I didn't go with her for some reason. Biggest regret. In addition to this, a guy friend of hers who is interested in her, came to fetch her to lunch, and she went up his car.

I started feeling insecure, to every single things, and express out. I am an expressive kind in nature.

She is someone who takes things in and don't express much.

Her perspective: Don't always accuse her. She linked all of the arguments that happen since clubbing, and tell me we're not suitable for each other.

My perspective: I have been picking on every single things i have done for her, because she doesn't express, and I thought she was taking me for granted.

Her perspective: Don't always calculate what I've done for her. She just is not an expressive person, but she knows what i've done for her. And she can see I've done so much, and see that I'm always the one who gives, while she is always the one who takes in (arguments).

The last time we argued, after it was solved, I said another wrong thing again, saying that I'll be okay, but it hurts me more to know that she will hurt even more than me.

Her perspective: She prepares herself knowing that I'll be okay, and thought of break up. She told me about it, but said that she will give us another chance, a week.

Please advice me. Scold the crap out of me. I love her. I know she does too. She just wants me to change. But what can I do?

Asked her if she still likes me. She said don't ask question like this, it's not the same anymore.

Updates:
One thing to take note: She wants to see changes from me.

I'm being: We will be happy; Trust me;
She's being: Can't guarantee; It will happen if it happens; I hope;
But guys and girls, before you say anything bad about her, she's a baby actually, who needs to be loved. She's nice, innocent, doesn't repeat her mistakes. True to love. Everything is perfect about her.

Trust me, I truly believe it's because you guys are hearing from my perspective, that you guys think of her this way (that she's bad). Think of it like this. Nobody is perfect. Her weaknesses, are basically just everything you guys know right now.

1|0

Most Helpful Guy

  • If you want to try to keep her, you have to let go of the insecurities. Can't lock her in a cage 24/7 and she's going to get some attention from the opposite sex. You just have to trust her and your appeal to her.

    And you have to be really mentally tough. Mentally tough doesn't just mean jumping into a fire to rescue her. It also means when you're angry at her or upset about something, instead of yelling or getting distant, you calm yourself down and gently talk.

    Focus on bonding. If you don't think she expresses much, cuddle more and talk more gently. If she gets angry, be the bigger person and ask her gently what's bother her instead of arguing back. Don't seek your perception of fairness, stay level-headed and seek the courses of action that lead to positive outcomes and mutual understanding for both of you.

    The peak of emotional maturity does not say, "I behaved poorly because [...]". It stops as "I behaved poorly." It's because the peak of it does not excuse poor behavior on any account, no matter how much you were provoked. Try to strive for this. It's quite a manly trait.

    0|1
    1|1
    • I can, and I have already. But it's too late. Right after me letting it go, i guess she got fed up with the past "insecurities-caused-arguments" and brought this up.

    • Show All
    • Thank you for speaking out with your heart.

    • I'm guessing some didn't like my answer since the girl might sound like she's not worth your time. And I don't know, that could very well be true.

      Even then, when you get the hang of getting rid of a lot of your insecurities as well as learning how to deescalate conflicts and communicate intimately even when things are rough, it should help you with everything -- in your whole life -- from work relationships to girlfriends to family to wives.

      I see a lot of relationships spiral downwards when they consist of two partners *demanding* fairness. Both end up feeling treated unfairly, because the perception of fairness is often wildly subjective. To try to demand it often just leads to the perception of more unfair treatment. Seeking fairness cooperatively, peacefully, will often make things a lot easier. If nothing else, it'll make breaking up easier if you two definitely aren't right for each other.

What Girls Said 17

  • So she's the one who went grinding on other guys and now SHE is giving YOU a second chance? Wow. She's got you wrapped around her finger. So manipulative.

    4|6
    0|0
    • Manipulation is a natural female weapon.

    • Show All
    • @EndofExistence I wasn't offended, simply offering my experience with my ex, as well as my opinion. Now it seems like you are trying to manipulate the conversation into your favor already.
      Also, that was just a bunch of nonsense. You act like all women behave exactly the same, and that all men behave exactly the same. Manipulation isn't a gender thing, it's a personality thing, and it's usually a result of poor upbringing. So no, it's not "natural" to a specific gender. The more people succumb to a certain person's behavior, such as crying, the more the person will learn that they can get their way with fake tears and it will turn into manipulation. Male or female.

  • I think you should just break up with her and let her go. What is she blaming you for about the club? That was her choice. You didn't need to go, if she didn't like it then stop going to clubs. I don't know what more does she expect from you. And second of all, no she is not innocent. Period. You to stop putting her on a pedestal and see the bigger picture. This is control here. That is what I am sensing with this. Your relationship doesn't sound healthy in my opinion. What she is doing to you is emotional abuse. The moment she starts crying, you cry, once she knows she got you, she's back at it again with something else and then refuses to tell you what you did wrong? This is abuse. I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm telling you, this is abuse. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. I'm telling you what you need to hear. Let her go, before god forbid she makes you feel like you need to commit suicide because of her problems. You don't need that. Its a sign for you to leave, the door is wide open, and all you have to do is walk.

    3|0
    0|0
    • @Asker You need to understand something. If your asking us what you should do, and you can't handle our answers, than you should be able to handle this yourself. This is not our relationship. This is yours. If you want to tolerate being abused like this, than its up to you. There is absolutely nothing we can do if our answers don't please you. It is not our job to do that, but to tell you the truth. You have an unhealthy relationship. Period. And any person who has a degree in psychology or know what it's like to be in your shoes would tell you that. My married friend would tell you that herself. It is not worth it. Stop giving you heart to people who is undeserving of you.

    • Thanks a lot for the opinions. It's true she doesn't communicate.. That's really unhealthy.

      Of course you all knew I would try to fight for her. I did, she wouldn't change her mind. Don't blame me as I loved her passionately.

      Everyone around her loves her but are afraid of advising her (good mature advises) because we all know she will just rebel, do it more behind us. We are always afraid we would lose her. I could see this clearly when I was her boyfriend, what she does behind her parents.

      I just couldn't believe the fact that one incident (clubbing) could break EVERYTHING. It's such a waste.

  • You two are incompatible. She's not that serious about you cos she still needs to go clubbing and flirt with men.

    And her faults bother you. She needs someone loose like her and don't watch her back like you do.

    She's not a baby. She's still a kid trying to live her life experimenting things.

    3|2
    0|0
    • the marriage talk is just fantasy

    • Show All
    • Asker, I hate to break it to you, but it seems like this relationship is past the point of fixing. The "incompatibility bullshit", as you like to call it, is not fixable, and she refuses to take your relationship with her seriously anymore. There's nothing you can do about that, or any other choices she makes.

    • Asker you will keep meeting better people as time goes by. You cling on to the past but it doesn't exist anymore. You. guys are young and the marrying business is not for you guys at the moment. Marriage doesn't seal a forever true love pact.

  • So your girlfriend goes to clubs, grinds up on other men's penises, takes lunch from men who have an obvious interest in her, tells you she could care less if you guys split up, barely shows any love, affection or appreciation for you, and you're the one who is on their last chance?

    Oh please, she's nowhere near as great as you convinced yourself she is. Break up with her, she has no respect for you, your relationship or her self. Find a girl who is better suited for you because the one you've got now is trash.

    2|3
    0|0
  • i dont really se what you did that was so bad. he just seems like looking fr an excuse to leave.

    what horrible thing did you say to her?

    grinding with guys, when you are in a relationship is cheating just like it would be if you did it.

    you can't make her not cheat but if yo say with her you are telling her you are ok with it. i dont see why you are the one apologizing here.

    1|1
    0|0
    • She hardly tells, no matter how much I ask. I know of one tho. For e. g. she mocks a race, I don't really think it's a good thing to have, I tell her don't do that, it's not good, and she will be "so you think im a bad person?" and then i tend to use ALWAYS, for e. g. "You always mock the race...", whereas she actually just mocked them for less than 5 times.

      There's nothing to apologize. The problem right now is she thinks we are not suitable for each other (cause of the arguments, my perspective: caused by her actions & probably work stress since coming out from University), and wants me to change (her perspective: I want to see changes in you). And so, she's giving me like a week chance to fix this.

    • Show All
    • sorry. did misunderstand this>>

      My perspective: Arguments arise when she started to go clubbing and confessed that there were grinding (she could feel dicks behind her).

      anyhow if you guys try again its BOTH of you not just you;. if she wants you to be more secure she as to communicate. she's not a 'baby' she's an adult in an adult relationship. thinking of her like a baBY IS PROBABLY CONTRIBUTING TO HER FRUSTRATION WITH YOU. ANYOHW she's RIGHT YOU GUYS can't GUARANTEE ANYTHING. BUT YOU CAN TRY. IF BOTH OF YOU TRY.

      sorry for the capos lock it was not on purpose but dont feel like fixing it.

    • Both of us have to try now if we are to continue, i agree, but definitely things won't be the same and it will be harder to maintain.

      I would love to try again, if she allows, but I have a feeling she has lost interest to want to try.

      I'm being: We will be happy; Trust me;
      She's being: Can't guarantee; It will happen if it happens; I hope;

      To me, I could only feel her trying if she says things like "We will be happy" rather than "Can't guarantee, It will happen if it happens, I hope".

      Then again, she says she is giving us a chance. Tough.

  • If anyone should be giving anyone a second chance here, it should be you giving her one. I wouldn't if I were you though, to be honest with you. She is already cheating on you by grinding on other men at the clubs (and I'm sure there's more going on with the lunch thing than meets the eye), and she's being incredibly manipulative. Drop her like a hot potato!

    0|1
    0|0
  • She's lost interest---plain and simple. You can still love someone and not want to be with them. I'd move on if I were you.

    Anyone who wants you to change for them is selfish and disrespectful. You cannot build or maintain a relationship on that. Plus, let's say you "change" for her. It won't last because you are who you are and that won't change.

    Be with someone who appreciates you JUST the way you are...

    2|0
    0|0
    • I love her so much. Other than everything mentioned here, she's all round perfect. She is willing to change, and does not repeat her mistakes, however, she needs to understand there are consequences in return of me staying with her - a short term of insecurities and the me seeking for reassurance every now and then.

      You mentioned lost of interest above, and I truly believe its because of the insecurities I've shown.

      Now that I'm over it (clubbing etc) and trust her completely, she doesn't see the "short term of insecurities" as something she would be patient of to prove to me how much she loves me, a period of reassurance, BUT as many little annoying arguments that show only one thing - we are incompatible for each other. From there, she takes the compatibility too seriously, thinking that it deserves a break up and there's no way of returning to happy days.

  • That's too long to read, ain't no body got time to all dat, so ill just go based off the title ; don't fvck thing up. I'm assuming u did something bad/wrong if she had to give ya another chance, so don't do whatever the hell ya did The 1st time xDDD

    *to do all dat

    0|0
    2|2
    • Maybe you should try reading the text. Giving advice like this on a story where it sounds as if he is being manipulated (she cheated and blamed him for not liking it) isn't a good idea.

    • Show All
    • Oh shizzle, I read it. Damn man I am so sorry for my comment. Now I feel like a bitch. Randombritishguy94 man u are so right damn thanks for calling me out #isittoolatetosaysorry

    • Guys and girls, in her perspective, what I did wrong was bringing out problems to discuss. To her, that's an argument, and when arguments are accumulated, it's a prove that we are not compatible, hence, we should break up.

      Update: She changed her mind. Wouldn't let me come back.

      I asked her why, she said she doesn't see the point of getting back together because compatibility defines happiness in a relationship, and compatibility is something fixed, unchangeable, as hard as a rock.

  • If she is giving you a second chance then that means she cares about you and trust you stop being insecure, to leave it in the past whatever happened, no reminders etc. Think about it very well, are you able to let go off your insecurities? Are you able to forgive and forget? Do you still trust her enough to continue the relationship? Think carefully.

    0|0
    1|1
    • I can, and I have already. But it's too late. Right after me letting it go, i guess she got fed up with the past "insecurities-caused-arguments" and brought this up.

    • Show All
    • She has a very manipulative personality and is used to rebelling in order to get her way. She doesn't want to discuss issues because she can't stand to be wrong and would rather you just let her have her way. When you do bring up an issue, she turns the tables on you and makes it into your fault. That is what I gather from all of this.

    • @aWes0MeNeSs Thanks a lot for the opinions you girls

  • to be honest what happenes to be ok

    0|0
    1|1
  • Erm... she needs to change, not you. She does bad, not you. Imagine you went to the club grinding with girls and hanging out with a girl "friend" who likes you... imagine what your girlfriend would say to you...

    0|0
    0|0
  • Umm... way to confusing for me sir

    0|0
    0|0
  • You guys seem like you have a lot in common. Just let things be easy. If she's going out having a good time obviously guys might try and approach her. You don't have to trust the guys. You need to trust her. If she loves you and wants to be with you like she says she does she shouldn't want to change you. You shouldn't be with someone you feel you need to change. There's one person for everyone. That person will be perfect in your eyes and you won't see a need to change for them or to want to change them. Just be happy. She can't control what guys do at the club but she sure can stop it. If she's in a situation that she feels is inappropriate than its her responsibility to get out of it. Just gotta have an abundance of trust. I wish you the best!

    0|0
    1|1
  • The clubbing thing is innapropiate on her part. Your feelings are not really taken into consideration as you do of hers. Not very compatible- break up.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Forget about the clubbing thing.

    0|0
    1|1
  • To the point

    From what I have read you sound insecure. That is a big issue in a relationship as it won't work if you dont trust each other. The way I see it is is she wanted to cheat she would do it. I don't blame you for getting annoyed at other men grinding on her but in saying that men can be very sleezy at clubs by constantly dancing behind a girl even though she has made it clear that she isn't interested. If she was gloating about it then maybe she isn't ready to settle down?
    Work on being positive and not finding the negatives within the relationship. We all do things for our partner in a relationship but you can't then make her feel bad for the nice things you do for her.

    I hope this helps

    0|0
    1|1
  • You dont like her going clubbing, yet she still goes. She made you feel insecure about your relationship and yet she doesn't care. I think you should be the one to call it quits. She doesn't respect you. Unless if you dont want to then you might as well accept it and go clubbing w her.

    1|1
    0|0

What Guys Said 23

  • Well to me she sounds like a complete bitch..! A cold bitch...
    She is going to clubs and feeling dicks of other men? Umm yeaa that's more than enough for me to dump her right there...
    Give you a second chance? For what? Fuck that!

    What type of girl goes out with a guy knowing he likes her and she is already in a relationship? That's very disrespectful...
    I would dump her actually... And be thankful that I did that early... And not after that am married...

    I did read you update... you say that we hear only your side of story or negative things about her...
    But things are worrisome... here
    She is now a party girl feeling dicks of other men ! Did she do that purposely? Did she stop doing that? Did she enjoy those dicks grinding on her ass?
    All these things are very important to be considered!

    Also she doesn't express emotions meaning she is a cold bitch? Thanks I wouldn't be with any girl who was cold like that?
    She is a baby? Thanks! I don't want a big baby ! I want a mature girlfriend who is 1000~ % LOYAL no matter what... and sweet and caring... and loving

    I think you should breakup with her... any man in your place would deserve a hell lot better then your girlfriend... seriously...

    Even if she must be having a positive points about her still your relationship is not healthy at all... it sounds like she is controlling and using you... and may be proudly cheating on you...

    1|2
    0|0
    • Also she is the one who needs to change.. here not you... That's cheaters act... putting blame on others...

      Dunno this bitch and get a new a good girlfriend next time and don't have any regrets

  • i don't really understand how she grinds on guys and you're the one who needs to change.

    it seems to me that she is manipulating you and bending things to fit a narrative that suits her doing what she wants with you being ok with it, and when you aren't ok with it she takes offense to that.

    i personally don't think you need to be making changes so much. perhaps you two are just better served as friends

    1|1
    0|0
  • From some of your comments, and from your original question. It doesn't sound like you want people to give you their true opinions. Instead, you want to hear that everything will be ok and it'll work out. My apologies if that sounds rude, but it's something to which I'm picking up from what you've been stating.

    My suggestion is to move on and not look back. Any girl in a committed relationship should never grind on another guy; unless he is gay and you've Ok'd it. No, this is not you controlling her as the same applies towards you not grinding up on other girls. It's just a level of respect for one another and respecting the relationship that you're both it. The second you mentioned that, it was either time to have a serious talk or split. Which sounds like after the arguments on the matter didn't go well and she sounds very manipulative.

    No one should stay in a relationship with someone who's manipulative and refuses to recognize it. This is unhealthy for the person being manipulated and the person manipulating. As it just perpetuates the idea of being true to one another. If the relationship is worth it, counseling is definitely an option; otherwise leave. I dated a manipulative woman for 2 years and after 1 month of counseling. It was obvious she was never going to change. So I left, and never spoke to her again. It hurt for about a month, but that pain of loneliness and despair was soon replaced by confidence and acceptance of being free of her ways.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Hi Krash, it's true I love her so much. Didn't you, after being with your ex for 2 years? My girlfriend is willing to change, and does not repeat her mistakes, however, she needs to understand there are consequences in return of me staying with her - a short term of insecurities and the me seeking for reassurance every now and then. Now that I'm over it and trust her completely, she doesn't see the "short term of insecurities" as something she would be patient of to prove to me how much she loves me, a period of reassurance, BUT as many little annoying arguments that show only one thing - we are incompatible for each other. From there, she takes the compatibility too seriously, thinking that it deserves a break up and there's no way of returning to happy days.

    • Currently, she has been insisting of a break up. Deep down my heart, I do not wish to see us going down like this. I actually think her head is currently just filled with work stress, breakups around her recently and the incompatibility bullshit. I do not want her to regret this in future, when her work stress lowers down and she isn't clouded by the incompatibility bullshit. From her perspective, I am abusive in words, saying things like "You always..." or "I should've broken up with you after clubbing night..". However, from my perspective, after being rejected so many times and seeing no way of getting back together, that I would say things like this. I'm not perfect, while she is unreasonable, to be all "when i am firm with a decision, i won't change my mind", doesn't open up. It takes TWO to maintain a relationship.

    • Sounds as if she may be unwilling to deal with her consequences. Many think that once they are forgiven for some mistake that they made. That everything can go back to normal, and there should be no memory of the event. This is untrue, and she may be struggling dealing with her wrong doings. This a character flaw and takes empathy and majority to overcome.

      From your second reply, I feel that either harsh words were exchanged and she didn't take it all that well, or she is over dramatizing the argument. Either way, it's difficult to remove an opinion from someone's mind once it has been made. It's difficult to summarize her thought process without knowing her, you, or being there, but if she's hellbent on breaking up and is pushing further and further away. Whether or not breaking up is a mistake. It might be the best course of action at this point in time. Postponing the breakup to take a break is usually a sign of things not working and it needs to end.

  • I smell troubles here.

    Step 1: couples counseling to sort out some issues going on.
    Step 2: probably move on.

    What you described was she thinks it is ok to go out and play and that is a security violation to you. What she is doing isn't just casual dancing, it is messing with other guys. she can't have other guy friends like that unless you are there. I tried this with my girlfriend and it causes problems of security.

    I think you both need to talk to a 3rd party to help sort out the issues. ... are you unfairly judging her commitment? Is she really committed? I cannot tell..

    0|0
    0|0
  • You both are incompatible like peanut butter and mayo. You have ONEITUS my friend and she knows it. Cat string theory dude... once a cat gets the string what does the cat do? Stops giving a shit about the string. Get out while you still can and change your behavior. This neediness will follow you the rest of your life and this will happen again and again and again. Don't let it.

    1|0
    0|0
  • You two are NOT the most compatible couple in the world. She has realized that and is breaking up with you but letting you down slowly. What you should do - but you probably won't because most people would not - is go to her and say, "you obviously don't want to be with me and I want to be with someone who wants me as much as I want her, so I can't settle for being with you. Have a nice life."

    If she wanted a life with you, she wouldn't be in clubs grinding on strange dick. End of story.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Move on. She doesn't sound right. Time changes a lot and doesn't sound like things will go back to the way they once were. It's probably not what anyone in that situation would want to hear but it's for the better. Find someone who respects you and is into you as much as you are into her. Tell her adios

    1|1
    0|0
  • Break up with her.

    Sounds like a horrible relationship. Don't let her control it. Walk out on her.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Don't change for her. When she leaves you, you'll be a shell of your former self. You two just aren't compatible. The fact she was grinding on other guys dicks confirms she doesn't care for you as much as she should. Don't be scared of being single for a bit. You could find someone better soon.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Walk away. You're being emotionally blackmailed and that can lead to emotional abuse. You haven't done anything wrong. She has.

    1|1
    0|0
    • In her perspective, what I did wrong was bringing out problems to discuss. To her, that's an argument, and when arguments are accumulated, it's a prove that we are not compatible, hence, we should break up.

      Update: She changed her mind. Wouldn't let me come back.

      I asked her why, she said she doesn't see the point of getting back together because compatibility defines happiness in a relationship, and compatibility is something fixed, unchangeable, as hard as a rock.

    • She doesn't like being challenged but expects you to feel bad when you notice something wrong with her actions and turns it back so you feel like you're in the wrong. That emotional abuse.

      I'd be surprised if she doesn't "take you back" because leaving you "was a big mistake" within a week. Do not take her back if I'm correct. It's a cycle that's not going to end.

      You can explain "her side" all you want. All I'm seeing is a women who has you wrapped around her finger. That's not your fault but you do need to talk to someone in the real world (mum, dad, brother, sister anyone ) who can help. You have clearly convinced yourself you're the bad guy for question why she was willing to touch another man's dick.

  • DTB. Not tomorrow, not later today, but NOW! The broad is disrespecting you, and playing you for a chiump. You are her little bitch. Get rid of her and find somebody else. Even if you have to wait a long time for somebody better to come along, it's in your best interest to get rid of your current toxic twat now.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Be more aggressive (not physically). Don't try to reason for now, for it hasn't worked. Take charge in your fights. If you love her, then prove it! Give her a fair treat, don't dismiss her, at the same time don't submit to her.

    It would seem from first glance that she has been manipulating you, but that's not necessarely true.

    0|0
    1|0
  • "and she went up his car."
    What is this supposed to mean?
    It sounds like she wants to be free to explore other dicks, she treats you indifferently (like shit), break this shit off with this soul sucking cunt.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Not worth the time. Dump her and move on. Or better yet, get some girl to grind on you when you go to the club with her and see how she feels.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Ditch her, dude. It'll hurt for a bit but you'll likely be way better off.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yeah, it's over, she's seeing her ex for lunch? Kick her to the curb.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Dude you can't be serious? The fuk bro have some self respect if srs. This girl is a Sloot u dump her like you would uneaten leftovers

    1|0
    0|0
  • Sound like thot. You could do better bro. Drop her.
    https://cdn.meme.am/instances/58561464.jpg

    0|0
    0|0
  • Harden up and move on, lad

    1|0
    0|0
  • just tell her I love you... and accompany her to a club!

    0|0
    0|0
  • One of my friends recently broke up his girlfriend because she would rather go clubbing than hang out with him. Your situation sounds similar. I'd say it's all over but the dumping, and who will do the dumping?

    Thankfully, after one month, my friend has another girlfriend now, though I hope this isn't being too hasty to get into a new relationship.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Obey your master.

    0|0
    1|0
  • Men this generation are pathetic.

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...