Advice After Being Cheated On?

I went through a break up about 3 weeks ago, but only just recently found out that he'd been cheating on me for over a month before he bothered dumping me (which he did by changing his Facebook relationship status, no explanation given). Anyways, the gory details don't matter, but since I've found out, I've just been experiencing this constant state of anxiety, a heaviness in my chest, nausea, extreme anger (never felt this angry in my life), and underneath it all, really hurt and sad about the whole thing as well. This was my first relationship, we were together for over three years, he'd proposed to me a few times (I always said that he should ask again when I was done University), so it was really serious. I thought I'd be spending my life with this guy.
I'd really like some advice on how to move on and let go of all the negativity. It's a fucking hell. What helped you guys move past being cheated on?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow. There's nothing about this that doesn't suck, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. The feeling you're experiencing is betrayal. Whether the relationship ended suddenly, or whether there were signs that you were growing apart, the thought that someone you were so close with, whom you had expected to spend your life with, could be hiding something like that is jarring. It's like a part of you wasn't real, and a foundation of your life has just dissolved. It sucks.

    I have good news and bad news: The good news is that what you're feeling isn't unusual. When my first long-term girlfriend dumped me, it felt like I was going through the 5 stages of grief 3 or 4 times a day. The bad news is that it takes a lot of time for it to go away. And by "a lot of time," I mean, like, maybe years. Most days it will get a little bit better. Some days it will be worse. Some days you will think about how badly he treated you and spend your whole day thinking about tying him to a chair and screaming at him. Some days, even though you know how badly he treated you, you will want nothing more than to be with him again.

    As for what to do about it? Well, some of it is only cured by time. In the meantime, be with people who are positive influences in your life. Push yourself to do things that you enjoy doing. One of the hardest parts about a breakup like this is that you come out of it having forgotten what it's like to be an individual rather than a couple. Remind yourself of what makes you awesome as a person. (Side note: Some people will tell you to go out and just fuck a bunch of people. If that's something you want to do, then by all means do it, but if it doesn't interest you, don't feel obligated. It will only make you feel worse if you're not into it.)

    The other thing I suggest is to get as many references to him out of your life. There will be plenty to remind you of him for a long time and, to some extent, you will have to decide what to take ownership of. For instance, my ex and I used to watch a couple of TV shows together. It was painful to watch them after we broke up, even though I loved them. Eventually I was able to think, "fuck her, I want to watch this." But get him out of your social media life. As for physical things (gifts, etc.) either purge them or put them all together in a place where you won't have to see them until you feel comfortable getting rid of them.

    Aside from this, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. It will get better.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm sorry you went through this. It's not easy breaking up or moving on from someone we've grown so close to.
    However, he did cheat on you and that's not okay. It's normal to be feeling those emotions, as we all handle situations and problems differently. This hurt you, the high anxiety, sadness, anger, is all from knowing you committed yourself to this one guy and he let you down.

    Try to keep yourself occupied and stick close with people you enjoy being around. If you trust them, talk with them about how you're feeling. Usually ranting is a great way to release all those feelings we don't want to share right away.

    I went through a similar situation with my ex. We dated for nearly 2.5 years, and things became manipulative, emotionally abusive, very rough relationship. He said he saw a future with me. He said he wanted me in his life for good, but words mean something far different than actions.
    If he proposed to you, he may have been serious though it could be a good thing you realized before accepting, that he was cheating.
    Imagine the trouble and pain that would have caused finding out after marriage?
    Something in you told you to say no to his questions time after time, and you certainly should be happy you did.

    Spending time with close friends, talking to my sister, venturing out with my dog and finding new hobbies for me, helped a lot with my breakup. I learned to gain a better sense of myself, and learned I cannot place my happiness onto someone else, and realized I can be just as happy on my own.

    Best wishes to you. You can over come this, it just takes time.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • I just dismissed the girl involved as one more gold digger.

    But yu have it worse than I did, a 3 year relationship, what you thought was a lifetime commitment.

    You need to make some big changes. GEt involved in something new, something that will take up a lot of your time. A volunteer stint at a refugee clinic? Anythng that interests you. A new project at University or at work?

    Traveling maybe as an au pair, a long term stay abroad? Many choices.

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  • I've never been cheated on, but what you feel is normal. This is like loosing a family member, that's painful and weighs on you :-(
    What you should do are two things:
    1) Stay busy and focus your mind on where you want to get. Don't go sit and mourn or you'll be eaten up by your emotions.
    2) When you need to vent emotion, talk to people. You'll certainly have some friends and family members whose shoulders are ready to cry on. Do it! You need to vent emotions, that's normal.
    You could even consider to get back in touch with your guy for an honest chat. Although he's cheated, talking about it and telling him how he made you feel may help you letting it behind you.
    Wish you strength :D :D

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  • I had an ex dump me on news years day 2012 and I found out about the other guy not 10 days later also through a Facebook relationship status update. I think I sent a very angry text message but in hindsight I realized that wouldn't have changed anything. You might blame yourself for not seeing t sooner. You'll
    Rack your brain trying to understand why they would do something like that. But you can't. The only person someone will justify their actions to is themselves. The best advice I can give you in out your mind to some sort of self improvement. In my case it allowed me to dive into the fitness life style head first. good luck

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  • Start living your life, meet other people, go to gym,
    drive bicycle, flirt with other guys.
    Time will not cure your wound, the things you do will.

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What Girls Said 1

  • There is no plan that will fix your feelings unfortunately. Everyone deals and grieves differently.

    My ex cheated on me and for me it was the final nail in the coffin. I turned away and never looked back. However, we had break ups in the relationship before then and it felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest. I had panic attacks, I struggled to eat, etc etc.

    Here some things that I found helped.

    1. Allow yourself time to do the cliche things.
    We've all seen films where they go through a break up and they stay in their jammies for a week and eat ice cream watching films while crying. It seems silly but it's actually very good for you. Release all those feelings your holding back, be that little puddle of chunky monkey, nobody will judge you. But don't wallow in it too long.

    2. Write a pros and cons list and a letter to your ex you'll never send.
    The pros and cons list is a fabulous way of rationalising the relationship for what it was. The list is just for your eyes so you can write everything and anything. "never puts loo seat down" "farts in my face" whatever. The letter is optional, but it's another way of saying everything you want and need to say.

    3. Hang out with friends.
    If you want keep it to close friends in the beginning. You don't have to go out and do something every day, even just curling up and watching TV, but make sure you don't isolate yourself. Try and make a goal for every week - I will go outdoors, I will go to the cinema, I will go for a meal. It doesn't matter if you don't hit every goal, but try to aim for something.

    4. Block him on social media, delete his number, etc.
    While you are going through this time, you don't want to be contacted by him and you want to make that clear to him. Also, you don't want him knowing what you are up to or how you are doing. It's none of his business. It stops you from anger messaging him as well.

    5. Try getting a new hobby.
    For many it's going to the gym, but is there something you've always fancies doing but never done? Now is the time to do it. Focus your energy on something new.

    I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope some of this helps you. Good luck.

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