Cancer: telling my ex?

I recently got diagnosed with cancer (a few months ago) my ex and I have had a turbulent break up about 7 months ago.

him being cold and moving on (rightfully) and me not handeling it at all and breaking down on him every few months (horribly) guess everyone handles it different.

nothing like cancer to snap you out of it - but I still feel so ashamed over my behaviour and I do still love this man and would do anything for him to at least see me in a positive light again especially now - it's just so far gone.

i asked if he would call me as I had something to tell him, he called once but I was in a meeting.. So I asked him to call later which he replied coldly that he was busy so I told him it was fine to call when he had a chance.. This is a week ago now so he clearly isn't going to call or doesn't care what my problem is (which hurts already)

should I stop being selfish and not tell him and just let him hate me and move on.. Or is he being cold because he doesn't know what I want to talk about and is scared I will get upset again? (I did put in the message - it's not about us just have something I want to tell you in "person")

what at can I do here? :(

Updates:
He did call me - guess he didn't realise what I wanted to say. The conversation was really nice as he warned up and just talked to me like normal for the first time since a long time.. I guess focusing on my breakup let's me ignore the cancer a bit. I know it's not healthy.. Also now a bit sad after we spoke normally that he isn't doing more.. I guess I played It down when I spoke to him as I didn't want to seem manipulative so said I had lots of people around me and was keeping positive!
Guess I just wished somewhere deep down there may have been a silver lining on this awful thing and he would rise to the challenge and come back for me.. Stupid I know! But at least now I know that he has moved on and I can focus on getting this thing over with.. At least the pain over losing him won't last long when the pain of treatments sets in.. :(

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Most Helpful Guy

  • First of all, reassure me you're gonna make it. I really hope you do! If you can win that fight with the cancer start it. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to survive. WHATEVER IT TAKES. Fight your cancer and get healthy. Now concerning him: tell him of it. Tell him how long you had it. Tell him it starts to hurt. The fear of losing you shall be scary enough to melt the ice. It could even show he still cares about you and loves you. You can try to still work things out. "should I stop being selfish" You can't, because you con't stop something you haven't started. You're not selfish at all. You have your life and your problems, like everybody else! Stop blaming yourself! "I do still love this man and would do anything for him" Tell him that. Leave a message if necessary. If he feels loved and knows you're in danger he should be really worried. I would be, even if I don't love the person myself. The care combined with the cancer are shocking. I do believe you have a future together, I do believe you can work things out. But for that future to happen you need to survive. So with all the righteous hope of having him back (which you deserve), go kill your enemy, that cancer. Do this for your future. Fight on, fight on bravely and heal. Not on your own but get to a hospital and make them save you. Have the attitude. You deserve to live, and you deserve to be happy. I'm mentally with you, and if you want to know prayed for you. Healing can be hard. But it is the path of life. Your family, medecine, shall support you on this path. But you must take it yourself. Good luck.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all, I'm so sorry about your situation. Please try to stay strong and use this as a chance to really seize the day. Start knocking some things off your bucket list. <3 I'll keep you in my prayers.

    Truthfully, I don't think you should tell him and I am saying this with your best interest in mind. He's your ex and although you haven't been able to get over it for months as you say, your struggles and problems are no longer his struggles and problems. So for you to be pulling empathetic stress out of him when you can clearly see that he does not feel as strongly for you is not a good idea. There's a likelihood that it's only going to maximize your heartbreak when you don't get the caring, concerned reaction from you that you'd wish for. I have to be honest: You are being selfish and almost subtly manipulative. It almost sounds like you want him to be scared of losing you and come back to you or something. It's a really horrible idea to try to make a support system out of a cold ex who's already not displaying signs of interest in your life or concern for your wellbeing. :/

    I think he's being cold because he's trying to move forward from you and give you hints that he's not interested in being involved in your life anymore. I know that sounds harsh but it's important to accept it and start relying on your real support system. The last thing you need right now is added heartache so why even embrace a situation where you're likely to receive it?

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    • Also, did you do something to betray him or legitimately make him not want you anymore? You mentioned "letting him hate you"? What reason does he have to hate you?

    • No he said when we broke up he would come back for me one day and that he loved me the timing was just wrong, I just acted poorly over the break up and got angry at him as I was heartbroken.. I know we weren't amazing together at the end. Just miss him more than ever now this is happening.. But I am not letting him get involved because I don't want his pity either..

    • Hmmmm, I see.
      I know it's hard but that's really the best decision. If he were showing more interest in you even just as a friend then that would be different. But because he's not, telling him may just get your heart even more crushed when you don't get the supportive reaction anyone would hope for.

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What Guys Said 6

  • Instead of focusing how he feels about you, you should focus on beating the cancer. In fact, you should stay away from stressful situations

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    • I totally agree with you! You never know how he and you will react. Stress makes things even worse.

  • If he's your ex and you don't have anything to do with him now then why do you want to tell him? Is it just guilt or do you still have feelings for him (both I'm guessing). Just call him again but don't leave messages anymore. Just keep trying until he answers the phone. If it becomes obvious that he's avoiding you then just let it go. Focus on your treatment. That's enough to deal with without adding this stress also.

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  • I'd say fuck him he's an ex for a reason and he probably doesn't give a shit/ will only make his day worse. DONT TELL HIM< FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOU

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  • You are not selfish but instead of calling just meet him in person if you know where he lives and tell him what you want to say

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  • Focus on you not about tellin him

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  • I am sorry this happened to you... :-(

    Just tell him that your have cancer... He will stop hating you... As he will understand the gravity of the situation

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What Girls Said 10

  • I think you should let him go. The reason for your break up with him is because you want him to be free and happy and not hold him back. If he really loved you, he would stay through thick or thin regardless of your sickness.

    And I think you are using cancer as an excuse to tie him around which is also wrong. Sometimes you have to fight your own struggle, and be thankful for the people who stay and fight with you along the way.

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    • Yeah that second point was going through my head to about using the cancer as an excuse

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    • thank you s sid think this is more of a distraction thinking about him :/

    • Am so sorry for your losses!

  • Right now you have very high expectations that telling this man you have cancer will change the situation/ relationship that the two of you have. Which I think is very risky, because you may get your heart broken and maybe this time shattered. Go through whatever treatments you have to and focus on you and getting better. Break the news to him when you're improving or have a family member or friend do so. Cancer is already stressful, he may not respond the way you were hoping for, or be as supportive as you think and that can add more to your stress level. Stress weakens your immune system, the same system that needs to get rid of the cancer. Therefore, being honest , doesn't guarantee that the compassion, empathy and support. Focus on yourself, all the best.

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  • I think you should move on.
    You guys break up, doing this would be using your cancer as an excuse to get back together. Non only it wrong but it also wouldn't save anything with him.

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  • To be honest you don't need to tell him personally, i mean how would you think that conversation would go? Also do you really want him to stop "hating" you out of pity or on his own terms? Stop dwelling on the past and focus on kicking cancers butt, negative energy is not going to help you.

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  • Ur basically guilting the guy to stay with u out of pity. I empythize with ur situation but you dont just drag people back into your life once u have a reason to make them stay. Or even more so, (making it hard for them to leave) sorry but its plain selfish on your part.

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  • Cancer isn't going to do anything for you, but maybe get a pity fuck.

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  • Yeah I would just move on. What kind of cancer do you have if you don't mind me asking?

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  • I realize he's special to you and you want him to know (hopefully not because of ulterior motives... i. e. "He'll take me back if he feels bad"), but he definitely seems to be brushing you off.

    It's best for you to be around people that will support you, not ignore you.

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  • Firstly, stay strong. Cancer is harsh, but you are stronger. Secondly, I believe he acted cold because you couldn't pick up when he called you. You should call him and tell him you're ill. Ask for another chance. You will either be very happy or very sad. Don't let your life pass before taking risks and living it. Get well and anything that will happen please know that someone is praying for you

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  • Let him go, he will probably find out eventually himself. Then realise why you wanted to speak to him.
    Unfortunately life isn't a love film and you can't win someone round by news of cancer.
    If he wants to talk to you then he can of his own accord.

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