At what point is it enough?

At what point do you decide that staying in a marriage is worse than an ugly divorce.
-you already know the husband will be nasty by past events
-you have exhausted all efforts in reaching him
-you both are not making any progress, it's becoming more of you just giving up

-kids are the most important, what is best for them as they will all remember this event in their lives.

-if you stay you have the opportunity to stay home with your kids which they seem to really need at this point in their lives.
-if you go, you will be raising them alone more than likely, while working full time, and attending school full time.

Fire away.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I've been there, done that, got the tshirt. I've always hated divorce - I mean absolutely hated it. When it happened to me, I couldn't believe my wife would do that to us. But... she did. And I still hate divorce.

    That being said, I also realize in every relationship, it takes two to row the boat. There will always be times when only one of you can row. Someone's sick so the other has to do extra work. One is going to school, and the other needs to make up for the slack and deal with less attention. That stuff happens.

    But when it's a case where the other person is not doing anything to foster the marriage, even after repeated attempts to get them to participate, eventually you've got to wonder, what's the point?

    One other thing I do know... I never got married to be miserable OR to make someone else miserable! I've since remarried. This one has had far more ups and downs than 1.0, but we're still hanging in there. It seems were both still trying, and this one's lasted longer than the first. It's always difficult when kids are involved. As long as they know they're not being abandoned, they can handle the rough parts too. Always be there for them. Let them know they can ask any questions. Be honest. You don't necessarily have to go into details, but don't leave them in the dark either.

    You have a hard decision to make. The fact you're considering it, means things are pretty bad anyway. If he's uninvolved, even after months of trying, there may be no other path to choose. In a way, he's choosing it for you.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • If you don't mind, I'll use my friend as an example. My friend was in a similar situation minus the kids bit. She was a die hard believer to her core in marriage for life. She even had this week long session with her husband prior to marriage where she made sure they talked about everything good, bad, and ugly and put everything on the table so there would be no secrets, and still things lasted for about 5 years before they started to crumble.

    She fought tooth and nail for them to stay together and I constantly encouraged her as her friend to not give up on him or their issues and to keep fighting because marriage isn't easy and it isn't always rosy, but it was another 2 years and nothing had changed between the two of them and she told me she dreaded coming home each night and that every day, even her good ones were mired in stress and anxiety over what would be the next fight, and the next.

    I asked her quite simply if she had anything else left to give? Is there anything you haven't tried, a counselor, a trusted friend, a retreat, a separation... anything... and her answer was no. I don't even think she realized it, that she really had given it everything she could and then some.

    So I'd ask you the same. Have you, and by virtue, your husband given each other every possibility and chance and done everything you could really and truly to stay together. Is there nothing really left to come home to in regards to your relationship. Could you care less if they left for a while and didn't come back? Are you only staying together for the sake of the kids with no plans to help or love each other. You have to decide that...

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    • I like this answer a lot. Thank you! I think I have done everything I possibly know to do. And I don't say that as in I'm 100% in the right and he is wrong. I mean it as in I have tried to reach him and make him understand how I'm feeling and try to understand his feelings but it's as if he has no desire to understand me or even make an effort. I'm exhausted from trying to come at it from every angle I know to. And honestly, removing the kids from the equation, I think I would have been gone. I love him, and I'm honestly trying for our kids, but it's hard to fight when I'm the only one fighting. It's left me worn.

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    • You're welcome, and again good luck to you.

    • thanks

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • My opinion is you should try your best to stay in the marriage. Yes, there is nothing wrong with going for divorce, but that should be the last option only after you have tried everything and it has failed.

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    • I agree. I just feel like at this point it has become just me making any effort. He doesn't even leave the front of our TV in our bedroom except to shower, eat, and work. I have felt like a single parent for a long time now and I can't seem to make him understand that we need and miss him. We are blessed that he works hard to support us financially, but I work 40 hours also and it's hard doing everything else by myself. And if all we needed was financial help I would have married someone rich, but I actually love him and was looking for a family. I just can't get it to click that we need his attention and time too, more than anything. Not all of it, but I need a husband and our kids need a dad.

  • Once you reach the Northwest Passage at approx. 70.435543 -122.223765 that's far enough. It's gets really cold any further up.

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    • Well as long as you come with me, I hear we can survive on canabalism per the history books

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    • 😂😂 thank you sir for this ridiculous answer. While I am 100% serious on my marriage falling apart, this answer actually made me laugh.

    • I'm glad I could help. I'm only here for shits and gigs. But laughter is the best medicine.

  • As soon as you ask on GAG!

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    • Thanks a heap coyote ugly.

  • Well as long as life is amicable and there is no violence why cut and run. Keep your eyes open for a new partner.

    No matter what, it won't be easy so keep your options open and plan how to achieve the inevitable with as little fuss.

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  • Get the divorce. Seems you exhausted all options and he won't go even half way.

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  • Which scenario is best for you, and it will be reflected in the kids in a happy home.

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What Girls Said 6

  • Honestly I am into it, until death do us part.
    I have kids too.
    I am going to be loving, respecting and honoring my husband.
    If I am angry at him, I will resort to trusting in God and telling him without attacking him or making me feel or look more important than him.
    I will forgive 77x7 times every day, no matter how big the sin is.
    I will be patient, kind, trusting, slow to anger, not keep a record of wrongs. I will choose to appreciate him. I will be sad that he doesn't know everything and he isn't perfect but neither am I not anyone else in the world. There is no other choice but to love and be good to him. I will seek more wisdom on money, empathy, boundaries, and love. Life in general has many things that I don't understand. I can't control him or anyone else but I can gain understanding and I want to gain it so I can love better, even love someone who is hard to love. Because I am a Christian. God loved me first. While I was a sinner he died for me, so while anyone is hurting me... I know that they need love. We all do. Do good and God will you greatly.

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    • I do understand all of that, but I also believe that after years of struggling we have to make a decision. God didn't call us to be treated poorly. And that is the place I'm in. Trying to determine if we are walking two different paths at this point. Hard not knowing which way something will go. Thanks for your time.

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    • We have actually done that. But we have to stop for financial reasons. We are not on the same page financially and I can't get him to work with me on our money. It did help the short while we were there, we just couldn't continue.

    • Ah yes, we have money problems too! I recommend you borrow two books on it. Suze Orville and Dave Ramsey. Google free budget template on mint and open a mint account online. Start doing cash only and get rid of the cc. I hope this helps. Some times I have to take charge. He just wants to be told what to do. I started giving him cash. Good luck and feel free to pm me

  • You say kids are important, and I agree. But remember that kids are also affected by bad marriages, as much as they're affected by a bad divorce. Hearing their parents fight all the time, give each other rude comments, passive aggressiveness etc, all of these things affect kids negatively too. So while I do see the point in wanting to stay together "for the kids", you also have to realize that that means you'll have to be polite with your partner.
    If you and/or your partner can't keep it together while living under the same roof, then that "stay for the kids" argument flies out the window. Having parents who argue a lot can be A LOT more damaging in the long run.
    What's important is taking a look at your life, deciding the pros and cons, and analyzing which outcome would make everyone the happiest. Including you.

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    • "What's important is taking a look at your life, deciding the pros and cons, and analyzing which outcome would make everyone the happiest. Including you." This as common sense as it should be, is not something I have done. Hit me like a slap in the face. Thank you for taking the time to write that. I guess we just need fresh eyes on the situation some times.

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    • @redeyemindtricks you're so wise, great comments. I personally wouldn't have been able to give such detailed answers since I clearly don't have any experience with marriage, handling things financially with another person, court things etc etc etc. So yeah, that's why I decided to stay silent during y'alls conversation.
      Asker, I hope you're getting some clarity on what to do in your situation. I think redeyemindtricks has given some really good advice.

    • @lumos Thanks for the kind words. <3

  • Try to be apart for some time. I think kids will grow up and have a good life no matter what. But people always dramatize divorce for kids. I think you are the most important element in the equation here. Do you want to live happy or miserable? You should ask yourself this question.

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  • If you're asking on this forum you've probably already made up your mind. It's time to kick rocks and leave. You CAN do it on your own. Many women (like myself) do so very well.

    Perhaps work full time and do school part time to give yourself a little bit of a break?

    I don't subscribe to the "stay together for the kids". Kids are smart and they know more than we think sometimes. They'll be just fine too. Believe me.

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    • Has yr ex made any attempts at parental alienation? (Turning the kids against you / trying to poison their view of you)

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    • Hah yeah -- that's a lot to ask from a guy who's never been in the father role. I wouldn't sweat it.
      In any case, the primary thing is to find a new partner who's on board with what I wrote here:
      www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2048024-who-should-come-first-your-spouse-or-your-child

      That is always important, but it's especially important when a new step-parent is coming on board. If that attitude is not firmly in place, the kids will NEVER accept the step-parent as anything other than an annoyance (and a possible source of material goods, if she/he is loaded).

      __

      Y'know what's funny, is, my little brother's the exact opposite -- he's basically a de-facto stepdad to his on-again-off-again-girlfriend's kids, and he LOVES those kids... they're like the light of his life, seriously... but, he's just a rollin' stone when it

    • comes to women. I wrote about him here
      www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2047748-have-any-guys-on-here-been-able-to-hook-up-with-young-girls-as-they

      In other words, exact opposite situation of what you've got here.
      World's a funny place, isn't it?

  • I agree that sometimes separation is better than married life. One of my gfs took divorce because of husband's growing indifferent behavior, ignorance to house affairs nd above all failure to sexually satisfying the wife (she was open, loved dirty talk but husband never liked it, and also she wanted most of the time to stay nude like other friends but the poor guy disliked it). So ultimately she got divorce when she had one kid. Now she is happy.

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    • Thank you for the response! That indifferent attitude is hard to work past.

    • Yes, its so.

  • Please don't listen to all the bs that you need to stay together because marriage is sacred, or it's better for the kids, or your marriage can be fixed. If you aren't happy in your marriage, you're not in love with him anymore or he's not in love with you or both, or he's abusive, or cheating, or has an unhealthy self destructive addiction then you need to go. There is no point in staying married to someone who makes you unhappy. I know people think the best thing to do is to stay together because of the kids, but that's literally the worst reason. By staying in an unhappy or unhealthy marriage you are teaching your kids to settle. Instead of teaching your kids to search for happiness you are teaching them to accept their circumstances and situations. Your kids will be fine. Kids are some of the most adaptable people on the planet. If you explain why you're separating they will understand with time.

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    • Thank you for your response. You are actually the 2nd person to say that to me about the kids being adaptable. They are definitely my main concern. Thanks again!

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    • "Some of us turned out a little weird but we're all good people" lol this made me laugh! That all is actually very encouraging. Thank you for your kind words.

    • It's all the truth. I do have one or two cousins who are a little strange but they're just being themselves. We all turned out to be really good people. There's only one person in my whole family of my generation that has married parents and that's my half brother who just turned 2 today. Honestly, he's the weirdest one of all. I'm not saying marriage will screw up your kids, he just happened to be incredibly weird. He once ate cat vomit. I'm getting way off topic, but what matters most is that if kids have someone to love them and to teach them right from wrong, then they'll turn out just fine. It doesn't matter if you're married, a single parent, a foster or adoptive parent, gay, straight, or anything else. If you love your kids and have enough patience to teach them to be good and not eat cat throw up, then everything will be ok. If your kids love you they'll want you to be happy and they'll understand why you made the decision that you did.

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