Is it reasonable that she fell out of love with me so quickly?

I was in a relationship with a girl for about 11 months. It was an up and down relationship but we had some real high points. In our 9th & 10th month together we started saying I love you and talking about the future together in a partly serious way (moving in, having kids). It felt like we turned a corner. We got into a big fight and then she became in her words "indifferent." The fight started because was being bitchy, put me down, and said a few hurtful things so I got frustrated, exasperated and yelled. I said sometimes she made me feel like a "f'ing idiot." Once we cooled down I immediately and genuinely apologized and tried to make things work. She said no one has ever talked to her that way, but also told me a previous boyfriend hit her. (?) She also was abused when she was young. She fell out of love so quickly and did not put in the same about forgiving and moving on. She didn't even really care to hang out anymore. How can someone who is in love fall out of it so quickly? I know she has issues with trust and intimacy, but I still feel like she sabotaged or threw our relationship away. We broke up about a month ago, no personal contact since. I'm in depression.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I am a third year student in college and I'm learning lifespan development it's a psychology course. I learned that when someone has been abused in any shape or form or even just neglected which is a form of abuse not only does it affect them then, but later on in the future. Because she was abused she puts her guard up. There is a critical stage in life where "insecure-disorganized" happens. Usually this happens when they are infants and toddler yeasrs. When someone is being abused they will not develop an expectation of anything but. She was abused when she was young during this stage and she doesn't have much trust towards anyone. My siblings were adopted they were abused and then my parents took them into our home. There is a lot of insecurity because of this. Honestly if someone falls out of love that quickly, then they never truly loved them and I'm sorry to say that. I hope im wrong and that everything works out for you. Give her some time. try again and if she still doesn't forgive you move on bc it might not be a healthy relationship

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    • "insecure disorganized" is when the parents are abusive. There look on relationships is much different than people who are "secure" where the parents are very involved and loving. Because of the lack of security growing up and then with her boyfriend her expectations for future relationships are not all that positive. Yes, people can get out of it, but it's much harder for them. Because you yelled at her she might think okay this is what happened to me before. I used to be yelled at then I expected being hit. It may have just brought bad memories.

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    • I apologized so sincerely and genuinely, and she could not forgive me. If she had given me another chance I would never do that again. I never thought how badly it would hurt her.

    • oh periods are the worst!!! couldn't imagine it being worse! and yeah it's hard bc most people wouldn't be like that, but everyone is different and handles situations differently. I'm sorry about your loss of a relationship. just remember everything happens for a reason. No matter how much it may hurt and you feel like it's the end of the world, it gets better over time. trust me, maybe you will meet the girl of your dreams (ik you thought she was, but maybe she's not) here soon.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I know it’s painful after having such a good time with her, that she suddenly goes cold like that. It feels like the rug has been pulled from under you. However, I suggest you take a different view of things.

    First, notice how you admit there were rocky parts of the relationship but somehow this is okay with you. In other words, there is some opinion you have of yourself that makes it okay to be in an up-and-down situation like that. But is that what you really want? I mean, really, really?

    I’d imagine you’d want a relationship described as “amazing” predominantly and if so, you shall have it. You have to change your attitude a bit because now, the language you’re using about the relationship is the language of death: “we’re done for”. Can you hear how your own words are creating powerful images almost violent in nature? This relationship may be over but it is always, always the case that something better is just around the corner, if you’ll just relax and not be so hard on yourself.

    The other thing which might be helpful is to give up blaming her. You say she “sabotaged” the relationship and then diagnose her from things in her past. Let me tell you, and this is the opposite of what psychology teaches but it really is true: your past has nothing to do with how you, or anyone, behaves. Your thoughts and opinions do, and we are all in 100% control of them at all times.

    For example, please picture in your mind, a picture of a buy soldier with an AK-47. Now, imagine a rose bush in a beautiful garden. You just proved the awesome power of your mind. She has control over hers as well and there’s no diagnosis needed. In fact, she now sounds like a medical case and not a person you love. So my recommendation would be to own up to the love and forget trying to understand her.

    The truth is, you don’t really know the reasons for many of the things you do, so it’s impossible to imagine you’d be able to truly “understand” someone else. Loving someone, on the other hand, is much easier, if you’ll forget what your parents taught you.

    I suggest you realize that where she is now, you don’t want her back. The reason is that she doesn’t want you right now, so she’d leave again before sunset. Like Singlebee says, give her time, plenty of time, and if she feels better, she will come back. In the meantime, focus 100% on your own mind. Practice thinking positive and uplifting thoughts about the future and what’s going to happen. This will yield great results.

    I hope this

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    • Thank you for your response Dane. I really appreciate it. I don't mean to make her sound the medical case. I am just trying to diagnose how something that was so good fell apart so quickly. I'm 30 years old and I have never been in love like I was with her, I thought we felt the same, especially cause she said so for awhile. At this point, I'm so hurt, but I love her so much that if being happy to her means being without me, then I am ok with that. I want her to be happy and find love all around her.

      The only thing you wrote that I disagree with is that your past does not influence the future. I can't help but think that if she didn't have these trust and intimacy issues it would be a whole different ballgame. I guess we were just not the right match if often she was really second guessing being with me (early June then in early September).

    • Let me illustrate my point with an example. Let's say that you and I are spending the day sailing on the ocean. While we are away from everything, your parrot dies. However, you don't know this, and, although this is now the past, it doesn't affect you in the least.

      After we come back to shore, you get the news and become very upset. Now, was it the dead parrot that caused the upset? No, because if so, you'd have been upset on the boat. Instead it's your processing of the past i. e. "OMG what a terrible thing!!", that causes the upset.

      I know plenty of people who were abused and who are completely normal. and I know people who were not, who have many challenges in their relationships. It's just immaterial, circumstantial, anecdotal

      by the way, answer me honestly, does it make you feel better, knowing the "cause" even if it were true? I'll bet it won't because as you look into her eyes and see a real person, not a victim of abuse, why then can that person not just love you? It doesn't m

What Girls Said 1

  • If she is having a lot of trouble w herself you might try harder to win her back. If that doesn't work than give up for good. But she seems like a drag anyway...
    I mean 'falling out of love'? I don't know about that, people can love someone and still leave them. More like being selfish in my opinion, but then can a selfish person love? or if they act selfish means they don't love? I don't know about that, but I know people have different hearts and different definition of love...

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    • Yelling at her that night is the biggest regret of my life. I lost the love of my life because I was upset. I did not mean to hurt her in any way.

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    • I think it may be too late. It's been a month of no contact and I don't think she is thinking about me the way I think about her. I tried so hard in the few weeks after the fight for her to forgive me. Nothing work. I made one last ditch effort in a sit down talk and she just said I was too much like her father and no guy has ever yelled like that before. But she did tell me a boyfriend hit her so I don't know.

    • well then really I get its hard but then you should forgive ysf and try to move on... I mean cry it out, think it trough... maybe she was not meant for you and there is someone better. To me honestly she is being too rigid and therefore making you think di she ever love you... who wouldn't think that
      but also you can think that maybe no matter how much you love her you are just not good for her... and wish her happines w someone better... meaning not that you are bad person but that you guys just didn't fit that well and there is someone with who you will fit better

What Guys Said 3

  • Your girl has gone through a lot of abuse! It's the abuse talking not her... give her some time.. She will come back

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    • Thanks. I don't see that happening this time. We had some ups and downs in the relationship and she said "it shouldn't be this hard." I think we are done for. The abuse has made her a bit cold too. I think her history has made her that way. I could definitely see her not even caring about me, in that way, once she has her trust shaken. In my opinion, it shouldn't have been a break up level event, but it was.

      She is very beautiful and will have no trouble finding someone new. I can't help but think whoever the next guy is she will be easier on him.

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    • She has her issues. But I love her anyways. I wanted to work through all of this with her. She doesn't seem to care about me the way I care about her.

    • Well she doesn't seem to care so I think it's over

  • Sometimes girls get into relationships with guys they really don't care much about from the beginning. Sounds like it.

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    • Maybe. I think I always loved her more than she loved me. But with her history of abuse and yelling, I guess I'm not surprised how quickly she disconnected even if she loved me. She said her feelings were genuine. I hate myself and my life

    • Go join the French foreign legion!!

  • she never loved you... she is a woman

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    • With her history of abuse and yelling, I guess I'm not surprised how quickly she disconnected. I hate myself and my life.

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    • And what nature is that?

    • "Woman is less qualified [than man] for moral behavior.

      Woman is a misbegotten man and has a faulty and defective nature in comparison to his. Therefore she is unsure in herself. What she cannot get, she seeks to obtain through lying and diabolical deceptions. And so, to put it briefly, one must be on one's guard with every woman, as if she were a poisonous snake and the horned devil. If I could say what I know about women, the world would be astonished... Woman is strictly speaking not cleverer but slyer (more cunning) than man. Thus in evil and perverse doings woman is cleverer, that is, slyer, than man. Her feelings drive woman toward every evil, just as reason impels man toward all good."

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