Do you think parents should hold on to a marriage just for the sake of their children?

so my parents' marriage is pretty shaky and im 16. they have been fighting since i was born (?). and my father has had an affair around thrice. my mom had a boyfriend once. they fight ALMOST everyday and u can hear screamings shoutings doors slamming every day. i have a sister who is 11. the only reason my mom is still in this marriage is because of my sister and i (she told us). but sometimes i feel that they are better off divorced because it'll do my sister and i better. a home where there are fightings everyday isn't a conducive environment to grow up in. when they fight it is always scary. and i can see that my mom is really unhappy in this marriage - she is always crying. what are your takes?

  • Yes
    Vote A
  • No
    Vote B
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Unhappy parents makes for unhappy kids. Children would rather see their parents happy and single than married and miserable. Parents that stay for the kids are doing more harm for everybody than good

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    • that's what im feeling right now but that doesn't seem to be what my sister is feeling tho. she is 11 and she once told me that she dont think she'll be able to continue living if our parents divorce. she doesn't want my parents to divorce.

    • Coming from divorced parents myself I know haw she feels. I was 12 and my dad was a preacher even. It was a shock at first but ended up for the better. The child needs to understand it isn't the kids fault they're divorcing

Most Helpful Girl

  • To be honest with you, you're just another me seeing the injustice of what selfishness, premarital sex and cohabitation [if they did] has done. They are not mature, and it's obvious that they have a lot of unresolved issues. The point is your mother needs to understand that she can't keep arguing with your dad. It's not so much of her staying for the two of you. But if she wants to stay in this marriage and love your father, then she needs to do that. You need to sit down and speak with the both of you separately, then together with them and your sister. You need to be the adult in this family now. Trust me. I've been through the exact same thing you're going through right now. For 23 years of my life before my mother passed away in almost a year now.

    Is your dad still having affairs? No? Then he needs to stop and learn love his wife, your mother. The point you need to remember that this is their marriage. Do not interfere with their choices. But you do need to sit down with them and tell them to stop their childish nonsense. Believe me when I say, if I could have a word with them I would. However, they both made their marriage vows. They need to stick to those vows and learn to love each other. Because since the very beginning, they never did. I know that you feel that they should divorce, as I felt the exact same way. But you need to understand something. This was their choice. They have to work it out. I know your mom is suffering. But they need some serious marriage counseling and they need to try to meet half way. I recommend a book that may prove insightful for the both of them. But that is IF they want to make this work:

    www.amazon.com/.../0882702041

    This book breaks down both the roles of men and women in a marriage and what are they supposed to do to learn to love their spouse. And how they're role in marriage affects your lives as their children. You need to really grasp this because marriage is not supposed to be what your parents are doing. Marriage is not about happiness. The problem is this, your mother was already miserable before she got married to him and had you. That is what you're not seeing. And divorcing your father would not make her any happier. She will be even far more miserable. You know why? Because she truly LOVES your father. Marriage is a bonding contract that reaches the depths of one's soul. She wants to make it work. She just doesn't know HOW love your father. All they had was lust.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 10

  • No, I don't believe you are doing them any favors by pretending all is ok. But, you they don't necessarily have to know everything either, especially young children.

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  • In this case no. But they can take an amicable divorce on friendly terms in the interest of children. Childcare could be a problem after divorce. And custody of children will also be a problem. How their financial situation turns out after marriage is important. And how they will divide their property. All these things need to be taken care off

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  • ONLY if they they can be civil around the kids.

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  • In all cases it is better to keep the fights where children don't hear them.
    If adults cannot do that , it's better to divorce.

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  • Yes I do, do it for the kids

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    • you might think that staying in a marriage is benefitting the children but sometimes it's the opposite. the kids suffer instead. that's what im going through right now.

    • Sorry about your situation

  • No, that's stupid.

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  • Good question.

    Yeah.

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  • your profile says you need someone to rant to
    message me if you want, maybe i can help you

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  • Yeah

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  • If your parents are uncivilized and they are constantly fighting like a bunch of angry gorillas, it's better that they divorce sooner. As a kid who grew up in a family where my parents fought a lot, the arguments were quite traumatic to me, and I remember that their fights triggered me and my brother to cry (we were around 9-13 years old).

    While there may be bitterness after they are split up, at least the kids can grow up in a semi-normal, non-aggressive home environment.

    However, if the parents have their shit together and just realize that they are incompatible - but still civil, it may be a good idea to stay under the same roof. They don't have to put on a show for their kids that they are falsely still in love, but having both parents are always good, if the parents are supportive.

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What Girls Said 17

  • Happy parents create happy kids - not marriage. If they are better apart then they can support you better - the time they are taking to fight and hide their relationships could be spent forging stable relationships with others to give you a good example of how live actually works instead of trying to force a pre-conceived notion of a family.
    I'm sorry you're going through this - there is a whole lot of information you shouldn't know about your parents and I'm sorry that you're being brought into this adult situation

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  • Wouldn't you prefer it if they were happy and separate? My parents are incompatible in marriage, so I understood their divorce. They split when I was 4 and completely stopped communications when I got my first cell phone. I'm GLAD for that, because I know they were miserable together.

    I think, in your situation, marriage should be let go of. If they fight more often than they have intimate occasions, then it clearly isn't a healthy relationship. You said they've cheated, too, so maybe it is best if they file for a divorce.

    I get what you're going through right now. My mother's ex was abusive towards her, so they fought a lot. It sucks to go through that. Honestly, if two adults cannot make ends meet, then they shouldn't be together any longer.

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    • wish my mom would understand this. i just can't find the courage to send her what you said.

    • Why is she really holding onto the marriage? She says it is for you and your sister, but could it be about something else, such as finances or some emotional need that only a husband can provide? Or perhaps for security? If they were to get divorce, do they both make enough money to support you, your sister, and pay housing expenses on their own? That's just something to think about.

      Anyway, if I were you, I'd tell her that the fighting scares me and we all deserve to be happier. Unless they're willing to let things go or see a marriage counselor, there isn't much anyone can do to save the marriage. Sometimes you have to let people go in order to live a better, more emotionally stable life. A home in which fighting occurs almost daily is not a good environment for children.

  • I never have and never will believe in this. How can the children lead healthy happy lives if their home is unhappy? Physically splitting up is not the only way to split up a family. It would do the children more harm to live in the dysfunction and quarreling and gloom that would be there; eventually making them gloomy as well. Also what message is that sending to the children? It's okay to keep yourself unhappy for the sake of what? If both parties realize it is not working and have exhausted all options in trying to mend their problems, I say they should divorce.

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    • that's my sentiments exactly. wish my mom would see this point. she keeps on holding on to this broken marriage stating that it's for me and my sister.

    • Show All
    • hope so too. thanks a lot.

    • You're welcome hun. You can always PM me if you need someone to talk to

  • They can try fix things BUT when it gets to the point of screaming, slamming the doors, your dad having affairs and your mom having a boyfriend then its MUCH BETTER to get divorced... thats not a good environment for the kids to grow up in. I think if they get divorces you guys are gonna feel better as time passes, coz you won't have to grow through all that everyday

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  • I don't think it's for the kids sake... I think that's just an excuse honestly. They just may not want court battles or have to deal with custody and child support, so they're doing it for them and their finances most of all.

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    • nah i do believe its for the kids. my parents are afraid that their divorce will affect our well being.

    • It all depends in how they handle it and to be honest it sounds like there will be way more drama no matter what... they need to learn how to control themselves.

  • Being around all of that tension and hostility is bad for them but for you children even more. They ought to get a divorce.

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  • I've been through this and I don't think it's a good idea. I wish I could rewind time and tell my mum I would be fine so that she'd just go through with the divorce. She held on for so long because she didn't want us to feel like we didn't have a father or that we didn't have a perfect family. Kids are a lot stronger than parents give them credit for.

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  • I think they just shouldn't fight infront of their young kids. It's better to break up the marriage than to raise kids in a broken family.

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  • My parent's getting a divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me

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  • No, i would want my parents to be happy, if that means being apart then so be it. People who are miserable together should NOT stay together for the sake of the kids because most likely its doing more harm than good anyway.

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  • I'd rather have my parents divorced and happy than together and miserable.

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    • same but my sister doesn't feel the same. she feels that her life will be over if my parents divorce. but she's only 11 so

  • Nope. In the end I don't think it actually helps the child.

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  • I would stay just for my children. Their happiness would matter more to me.

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    • but staying together doesn't mean that your children will be happy. my parents fight all the time and im constantly not happy and annoyed. my sister on the other hand, feels that her happiness is dependent on my sister's marriage. well, there are 2 sides so i really dont know what to feel.

  • No because two people being forced to stay together creates a miserable environment that will probably even affect the kids.

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  • Fuck kkk No

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  • Sometimes i can be useful. But not when the parents fight like that.

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  • No, my parents tried to stay together for the kids but you know what I sensed their differences growing up and it affected me. Its obvious to the kids when you do that and at that point it is a waste of time to pretend. I always knew they should have been divorced/got married for the wrong reasons.

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