My husband always wanted children but as soon as we got married he changed his mind?

We always talked about starting a family and he has started those conversations himself but a few months after the wedding he has been saying it would be good not to have babies as they'll just make it too hard. He went and bought a convertible without discussing it first last week and just brushed it off when I got upset he made such a big decision with our money without talking to me first.

I came right out and asked about starting to try for a baby but he just laughed and walked away. I don't understand what's changed or why he would be acting like this so soon after we get married.
Do I give it more time or leave?

  • Wait it out
    53%(19)58%(42)Vote64%(23)
  • Leave him now
    47%(17)42%(30)Vote36%(13)
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Listen I'm going to tell you right now, get a separate bank account. Don't contribute to that savings account anymore. Once that is done you can wait it out for a bit and try to make it work. Stay away from those joint bank accounts though, they are always a bad idea.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You need to work out what is important to you and then tell him those things again. Buying the car is a huge red flag that he believes he can do whatever he wants to satisfy himself. Sit down, tell him what you want, ask him to meet you halfway or to at least tell you exactly why he can't and then go from there. Make sure he tells you what he wants and needs too. It may some counselling might help as marriage is something to be worked at over time and he may need some clearer boundaries to help him get his mind on you both and not just him.

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What Guys Said 23

  • i think you need to sit down and have a conversation. expressing both this change in his desires before your marriage to now. find out what changed. also him going out and making big purchases like that without even talking to you is pretty dismissive and disrespectful.

    before you decide to just leave a very frank and productive conversation has to occur where both people express their desires and a resolution is met (whether that resolution is no children, have children, go separate ways, etc)

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  • You may have a sociopath or narcissist on your hands. Having studied criminology extensively, I know that while they are dating, often these types will pretend to be something they're not. Then once they get married, everything changes overnight. They are human camelions

    Was his behavior like this while you were dating? I know he mentioned starting a family. What about him spending joint funds on major purchases without consulting you? (I'm assuming you were living together prior to marriage)

    In any case I can't say to leave him or not, but would highly suggest waiting on having kids. If he's acting erratically now, wait and see if this continues. Do you really want an unstable and erratic father to your child under any circumstances?

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  • You have only been married three months, so you have not invested a whole heck of a lot yet. His signals are that things are heading south, so you should consider bailing out before the marriage crashes and causes you further damages.

    As for his taking the savings that you both had been contributing to and basically deleting them to buy a car with no discussion, you should no longer put money in that account, but instead start an account only you have access to. Normally, I would never recommend that, but he has proven that he will squander your earnings without consulting you.

    Time to consider whether you want to save yourself, or continue with a life that you do not want (childless) and no control over the money.

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  • 1) let him enjoy being your baby for awhile, he's never had it so good and will never again until kids leave home
    2) he'll never be as worried about money to support family as now, so let this cash flow grow a bit
    3) we all see "tells" and have worries that things might not work out = even worse with kids in tow... these will quell in light of both showing more love... on top of the newlywed lust
    4) at first, both the man & woman entities have not yet melded into one, so both are seeing what they are getting out of this deal (not so giving as later); once past this silliness which includes who is in control of everything, the meld takes over and "what's next" becomes clear to both w/o any ONE taking charge

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    • I don't see how not worrying about him blowing $30,000 on a car we didn't need because he felt like it is acceptable or how We aren't already melded together after being in a relationship for 6years

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    • It took us 4 years to save that much money and he spent it with no consultation from me at all. I couldn't care less if he spend his half and borrowed the rest but to blow OUR savings on a two person car is selfish. Mid range or not it's not ok to spend my money on his wants without talking about it first. And my expectations are based on what he's told me for the last 6 years. No one knows any of this because I'm too ashamed to talk to my family and friends that I may want out of my short lived marriage because he doesn't want a family

    • Maybe this roadster (not family nor emergency car) and years of co-savings should have been part of the original Q... such a huge oversight of evidence that he's a bad guy = poor communication skills on your part, which could lead to marriage problems such as described BUT also allows bad boys to misinterpret "signals" & do what they want.
      I'm getting on board with helping your case that he's gone bad "after tricking you into marriage" and for 6 years you were duped with NO CLUES this might happen. He must have appealed to your bio-clock ticking away from babies and tricked you into marriage, only to clean out the family funds to buy a playboy toy. The consequences are clear for him if he's to make amends and NOT lose the car in a divorce. He's to be "blue collar" henceforth = all his savings/income is to be turned over to momma, now sole accountant for family which will doll out his allowance weekly if home chores are completed.

  • Leaving him is a serious decision to take. You absolutely have to get him to sit down and quite dancing around the bush. He should man up and face you.

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    • I've tried and he just talks around it before escaping. I've been married 3 months leaving seems like a huge failure

    • Would you rather then waste years with him and leave when it's too late to find someone better?

  • Have an affair and get pregnant, I'm always available to help out. Once he knows your pregnant, he'll obviously go mad asking is it his... just smile and say "you went out and bought a car without asking, so I went out and got a baby"

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    • That's not really helpful

    • It would be deserved for the lying git, he's duped u in to a sham marriage where you believe its happy family with kids not just a wife for sex and a car to treat as his child.

  • Head for divorce court now! You both need to be on the same page, and having children is a major part of many marriages. He clearly isn't acting in line with his earlier statements.

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  • You've only been married for a few months.

    Let him get used to the idea first, you don't have to rush and have a baby immediately.

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  • Tell him that the purpose of marriage is children. You get married to have children. You need three minimum.
    One is for single mothers.
    Two is for losers.
    Three is ideal.
    More than three is perfect.

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  • What was the situation before you got married? Do you think he might have married you for your money and did anything drastic change?

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  • Leave. You have a small window to have children but once it's gone it's gone. Either he's having a midlife crisis or he infertile.

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  • he's made up his mind there's no changing that the only one who can change that is him

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  • better get new one. by the way guys do lie about having babies for getting married or having sex

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  • Don't have kids. Kids are horrible. They are a waste of time and money.

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  • You have every right to leave him on this count.

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  • Who money ? Our now or always was his money?

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    • Who's money? Our money or always was his money?

    • We have equally put in the same amount each week for the last 5 years

    • Asker... Hard to relate , I am so opposite !! This is a breach of trust and a blantant disregard towards you. Think you better weigh the pros and cons on this before deciding ultimately. Can you use this to your better advantage or not.

  • if not having kids is a deal breaker for you then leave because he's made up his mind

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  • He doesn't want to grow up

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  • just give him time

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  • Our money? He probably makes most of it. If you are going to leave him for this, then you didn't really love him and are a hypergamous whore that only married for personal wants like kids and financial security.

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  • Wait it out and talk to him.

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  • have the same. my girlfriend didn't want kids and i always wanted. after a year she changed her mind but now i dont want kids with her yet because i do not entirely believe that she want kids for the right reasons.

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  • Wow, if he won't even talk with you about it does he even care about you at all? Not to mention buying a car etc. I think he still thinks he's single? He definitely doesn't know what it means to be married which makes me wonder why he married you? Unfortunately, if he's not even willing to talk to you about it, might have to leave him. What about his family? Maybe talk to them and have them talk to him? Just a thought.

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What Girls Said 7

  • You two are married, you made it a commitment. You shouldn't divorce him over something that could be discussed. But if you're not fighting for it, then your not going to receive what you was promised. He's committing fraud because he promised. And if he doesn't keep his promise, then leave the house and go to your parent's house to stay. Until he starts acting like a husband to you, your not coming home. You should not be having this issue after 3 months of marriage. I would tell your parents that he isn't doing as promised. However, it is three months of marriage. It is way too soon for children. You need to get to know each other as a married couple first. That is what the first year or two of marriage is about.

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  • well maybe he still wants more time for both of you, because when you already got a kid he can't do what he wants to do, maybe he still wants to buy more stuff that both of you can enjoy, don't pressured him it will come a time when he is the oe who will open up. right now just enjoy your life being a married because this will change when you already have kids

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  • Cut your losses and go. If he's changing up on you this soon after the vows it's a huge red flag. He's probably spending a lot of money, too, right? Get out, now!

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  • Not that this makes a lot of difference but was this purely his own money he wasted or both of yours?

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    • Both. We put equal from our wage into a join savings account and there is very little left now

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    • Just over 3 months

    • So it's still very, very early days yet, so he could still be considering this more deeply and thoughtfully.
      However what he did is totally inexcusable.
      I would though now, have to agree with the majority of the comment/opinions here, especially the one from the anonymous female contributor.

  • Sometimes people's ideas change. Maybe he wants to enjoy being married without no kids first and then when it's time to be a parent, he will probably tell you. He maybe still has the idea of having kids, but he needs to get used to the idea. Being a parent isn't easy.
    You should have this discussion with him.

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  • Y'all need to have a serious conversation.

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  • Seems like he played ya hon

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