He doesn't understand that I need time ALONE too....guys tips?

y boyfriend lives with me and my kids, just all moved together the last month. He works an opposite shift than me. I snuck home at lunch for a quickie and he was sleeping. He later said that he "took a nap and should have woke him up." Well that isn't happening when he is miserable when he wakes up. I travel an hour home from work and get there about 6pm, and two of my kids are with me on the way home. His days off are T, W and Sat. So we only see each other for a few hours those days and the hour or so that he wakes me up in the night when he gets home to talk.

So with the hour travel...NO ONE seems to realize that I need time ALONE as well as everyone else. I always either have kids (teenagers) around or he is always wanting to talk. So last night...I was frustrated from work, frustrated from no sex in a couple weeks, and I just wanted to be ALONE to wind down for a bit then I would have been back to my normal self. He sents me messages "can you go to the store, I'll wait for you and we can go to the store, etc." He doesn't realize that I need time ALONE. He always thinks that I am just in a bad mood, etc. He does cook dinner, but doesn't start it until AFTER I get home on his days off when he has been home all day. Sometimes I just sit in the same room as him and read and don't want to be chatting, but he doesn't get it. What to do?

 

What's Your Opinion?

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • Tell him that you need time for yourself like everybody does, there is no problem about him and the relationship, its what everybody needs, relax time for themselves, like sleeping, reading, watching TV etc. Just tell him but don't be rude, he will see that you work hard and that you deserve a rest from everything. So when you get that you will have more energy and be happier, Tell him that he needs his time too, its better for the relationship too

What Guys Said 17

  • Just tell him. if you can't do that, this relationship might as well be over.

  • So, you only get to see each other for a few hours three days a week, and maybe an hour every other day.

    And the problem is that you're spending ~too much~ time together?

    Look, have you tried just... telling him? You know, a sort of "I love being around you, but I just need a little time to be by myself so I can relax" kind of thing?

    • Either you want the relationship or you don't. Relationships need time to be invested in them... be frank. With YOURSELF.

    • Never said that we were spending too much time together. I stated that there are times I need to be alone and should be allowed to wind down without people up my ass.

  • Seems that you really don't have the time or inclination to be with this guy.

    Enjoy the extra alone time you'll have after cooking yourself dinner.

  • Give him a pacifier and tell him to shut up

  • Lol makes me think of the Family Guy gag when the guy says something innocent and the girl jumps out of a window for it and then he turns to the camera and its like: MEN (dun dunnaaa) We don't know what we did!

  • Read this to your boyfriend and he will understand. If not? Well...you can just post another question on here. I'll be glad to answer again.

  • Tell him That you need it? I feel like this one was self-explanatory.

  • Yeah I didn't fully understand my need for alone time until I got married. I had to sit my wife down and explain to her that I needed some. She's been pretty good about it since then. Communication is good. Give it a try.

  • It sounds like you have it in your mind it's a done deal. I don't understand the ALONE time being so important yet you are crabby about not getting plowed in a couple weeks. If you are constantly keeping this in and not chatting in the same room I can see how he thinks you are in a bad mood. I can feel the tension in your question and I have not even got to read your body language.

    You guys need to have a talk. If it can be fixed then that is the best starting point. If you want to end it then just come clean with it. Slowly letting him fade away is a really sh*tty way to do this. (even worse if he lives there) In order for someone to give me a cold shoulder enough to make me leave there would have been one hell of a blow up argument before I was gone. I am not saying a violent disturbance but to do that ... no don't answer... don't talk... ok... two weeks later he is getting it... no talk no BJ... no dinners... OK two more weeks he is either getting it or in a rage about your behavior.

    If I wanted to read and you wouldn't be quiet I would simply tell you. "I am really interested in this and it gives me a way to escape for just a little bit." Would you mind if we chatted about this later? Why not chat over dinner. It's 45 minutes that is perfect for talking about the day.

    It sounds like you are done with him and just can't wait to wipe your ass on him. Shame really.

    Good luck in finding your happy alone place.

    Eagle

    • I don't see the resolution to this problem other than a split. I wish you so much luck in finding a good long term plan. I must say this is the first question on here I have answered and had a bit of a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am not sure if it is because I can't help you fix it or if I just see the doom in the relationship. I am signing off on it. Perhaps the others will be able to help. Take care of yourself. Ciao

      Eagle

    • There is a difference between wanting to talk to someone you live with or giving them some space. Never said I didn't want to talk to him, but I as a human need time from going from work role to family/gf role, therefore needing 15 minutes or so alone when I get home. Putting myself aside 24/7? That means never getting time for myself because I am constantly bugged by others and never get any time to be me! That even said in the bedroom too. He loves to cuddle so I don't get my time either.

    • I do understand it well... I also communicate what I need in a non volitile manner. If wanting to talk to someone you live with is "up your ass all the time"... that is pretty unfortunate. Has it always been like this? Maybe he is trying to figure out what the hell he did to make you clam up. In a normal relationship I think effective communication is key... What do you mean 24/7 you are putting yourself aside?

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  • Well first, excuse your boyfriend. some guys just aren't sensitive to things.

    Second, If he is a guy that always wants to chat, then I'm sure he'll be happy to talk to you. What to do is simply tell him.

    Where it can get sticky is the delivery. He can blow it up into a prelude toa break up or something. & I think you can say it like this: "you are a great boyfriend & I like spending time with you. But when we do spend time, we don't always have to talk. And when I get home, I'm tired from work. I just need to unwind & the talking is tirring me out after a long day. Our relationship is great, and we don't need to talk about stuff all the time. We can just relax together, & that enough for me."

    You might want to adjust this depending on how much reasuring he needs.

    Good luck. Hope this is helpful.

  • If you can't communicate that to him by simply talking to him in a respectful, stern and sincere way than you two should break up

  • Before you tell him say that you wanna ask something but don't know how, and that youd like a bit more time to yourself, but honestly if you're nothappynwith him you should get rid of him lol..

  • You need to TELL HIM THIS. Lots of people have this problem, and it's easy to get caught up in yourself and forget that your partner has needs too. You guys clearly have a crazy schedule where you aren't there to support each other very much, so it's totally NORMAL that you're going to have to do even MORE work at communicating and scheduling. It might not be romantic, but you need to sit down with a calendar and schedule things out, INCLUDING some alone time as well as some sexy time. You even need to schedule meal times.

    Both of you agreed to live together with your mis-matched schedules, and so this is the only way it's going to work. And with a schedule, and clear expectations, it SHOULD run much more smoothly. The lack of spontaneity can't be helped due to your work schedules, but at least you can have your basic needs met, and that will be a big improvement over how things are now.

    • how does scheduling sex make you a whore? I don't understand that. you aren't a whore for doing that, you are just making good use of your time. And no I don't know what your life consists of, BUT it does sound to me like you are very busy much of the time hence why I and mr oracle here suggest you simply schedule these times for yourself... not sure what makes me controlling, I'm pretty much just telling you how things will be...

    • No I won't robotic. I am not a whore and need to schedule sex. You have no idea what my life consists of so don't try telling me what my so called SCHEDULE is like. You sound controlling.

    • "I am the type that will not schedule alone time and especially SEX time"

      Well I'm afraid you're going to have to. for someone with as busy a schedule as yours, its almost a necessity. any relationship you will get in will pretty much require you to do that

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  • I know this is a situation that needs your attention, but a good thing for him to realize you need time alone, is tell him to have a nice hot bath ready for you when you get home, and to get ready to take the kids out of the home, because your going to have a massive soak, and relax a little, let him know you have had a stressfull day, and if you don't unwind, you won't be responsible for your actions, if he don't comply, then ask him for his wallet, if he says no, just say, "well you should of run the f***ing bath then" this will make him realize that you were serious, and from that moment when you ask but still have a need to blow your top, he will start to realize you also need time out, and there's a good chance that when you have calmed down, sex will follow lol, good luck,x

    • No that's fair enough, looks like a sit down heart to heart is all that can remedy this,x

    • I don't even need the extent of the bath. I just want to be alone. It really isn't that hard to understand I wouldn't think. He gets a ton of time to relax when he gets home because no one is up at the hour that he gets home so no big deal for him. At this point in life...i have no desire for sex.

  • Simple. You take some time to talk to him, the exact same thing you took time to post here.

  • Life can be such a cheat! To all concerned here...

    In one earlier relationship, I felt that I needed to compete with my partner's kids for her attention. She felt she owed them a duty (which I understood, but nevertheless felt terribly neglected at times when we could hardly get any time together... and felt I was low down on her list of priorities).

    So life is unfair (1) to the woman who has to balance many things at the same time -- job, kids and relationship (2) to the guy, who has to desperately try to get some time and attention from "his" girlfriend... (3) to the kids who have to deal with a third person in the equation suddenly...

    • Well, frankly, other guys have said it here. If a guy is going to invest time and energy in a relationship, he doesn't want to be treated like an unwanted piece of rubbish. Either you have time for him, or your don't.

      Women who've been in another relationship/have kids/are divorced etc can be hot, because (i) they're cooler and less stressed (ii) they are more cautious when dealing with guys. But the kids getting in the way can be a BIG BIG turnoff.

    • What and how do you want me to reassure him? Explain how she "neglected" you.

    • There is selfishness all around in today's world. It's I-me-myself for all of us. I can understand the pressures on a woman in such a situation (kids-relationship-job-self). But do women understand the need to reassure their guy, who also shouldn't feel just like an "extra" trying to fit into the whole scene? I can tell you that it used to be a real competition for attention for me in the past... Though I still fondly remember my ex (we're good friends), I don't miss those feelings of neglect.

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  • Shit. He better get his act together before you're going somewhere else on your lunchbreak..

What Girls Said 1

  • I feel you girl. Especially at what should be a more comfortable stage where you'd think he'd know you well enough to recognize that. I agree with adz99, you should talk to him about it. Be tactful and compassionate. Don't treat it like a complaint situation.

    "Can we talk? You know I love you, and there's no one else I'd rather be with. I know it's not easy, but I've been getting pretty overwhelmed lately. I know you're not intending it, it's me. Sometimes, I need space. Time to collect myself and just get a breather. I don't want to keep letting this stress me out more. I feel so tense and reactive these days, and not because anyone's directly causing it. It's just difficult to respond appropriately in the state I'm in. How about we figure something out so that we can get some alone time without pushing each other away. And while we're at it, we can schedule in some special us time for us to focus solely on each other. I think that's a great compromise for balance, wouldn't you agree? And, I imagine we'll both be a lot happier and more content as a result. What are your thoughts on it? I want to figure out a positive solution that will make us both happier."

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