I have known this guy for about 20 years now and we ran into each other one night. He has been single now for about 6 months after a 10 year relationship. We starting talking and eventally decided to become friends with benefits. We both did not want to label anything as we got along very well and always had a great time together. We then sometimes got together for just dinner or a movie...with no sex. He always told me how much he liked me and also said that he wishes he would of met me before his X wife. We recently even took a tropical vacation together...just the two of us. We were hangin out for about 4 months. Once we got back I noticed he started to pull away, when I asked him he told that he wasn't ready for a relationship and he didn't want to hurt me as he felt I was getting closer than he was. We Haven't spoke now for about 5 days. Was I just the rebound girl? I am confused with the way guys think...please help. Should I contact him or just move on?
I would say lay low for a while and don’t press the issue.
It’s my opinion that humans should be more polyamorous and not be all relationship trapped. (Especially as an older adult) What I mean is that remember when you were 12 and if I guy said something or did something it was so crushing? And now you might think, “I have no idea what the big deal was about…” Well, as I get older labels and definitions become more silly.
It was a big deal when I was 20 if I went to a party and didn’t lock lips…now…enough worrying already…
My theory is that relationships are hormone based and you either find someone you’re in sink with or not. You’re lucky if you can do it when you are younger and procration or the prospect of marriage is more beneficial. You’ve heard of folks who loose that lovin’ feeling? They fall out of rhythm. It sounds as if you were the right person for the right time. He had a familiar person to be with and to enjoy the moment. Of course he doesn’t want a relationship. He just got out of one.
I would not say you were a rebound. I don’t like that term. You both spent a significant time together over a few months and even went on vacation. Man, I wish I could go to a nice island with a companion…
If you wish for a commitment or relationship then hold back and just date. Kiss but no sex. Talk and communicate. I wish you the best. Great question.
Unless you are just looking to kill some time and have fun, do not be one of the first people a guy (maybe a woman as well, I don't know) dates after a divorce. It isn't serious. It won't work. It won't last. (sure, I bet there are exceptions that prove the rule.) Stay friends and let him do some dating and a couple of at least 30-90 day relationships. If he's still interested after that then give it a shot (if you are still interested). Whatever he is saying (and thinking) now is complete BS (he just may not know it yet).
Saying "I do" then spending 10 years with someone... then realizing that everything you thought you gave up for the rest of your life is now an option... that messes with your head.
He sensed (rightly or wrongly) that you were developing feelings for him, feelings which should play no part in a FWB-style relationship.
So he is pulling back because he wants to make sure you don't get hurt, AND he's hoping that if you don't develop those feelings, then the status quo (FWB) could be maintained.
You weren't just the rebound girl, BUT you were never going to be the relationship girl either. He wanted FWB, and nothing more.
If you're not interested in that, then move on emotionally. If you're still interested in FWB (AND NOTHING ELSE) then contact him, tell him he misread the situation and that you're not in any danger of developing feelings for him, and then carry on as you had been doing.
"We both did not want to label anything as we got along very well and always had a great time together." <---That part did not make much sense to me, and is the very reason women get themselves in trouble with FWB relationships. I would've understood, "I had no interest in him meeting my family or friends so I decided not to label it" or "we had great chemistry but I can't stand listening to him talk, so I decided not to label it." Your description makes me very aware that he was the kind of guy you wanted to be *dating* not just sleeping with.
If he felt the same about you, whether that be because of you or where he is at with his life, he would've said so. Him asking for a FWB clearly states something was off there for him, and that you never should've gotten involved unless you also had reservations about him as a person. Getting into a FWB with a guy you want to date is the worst decision a woman can make. She will end up hurt 99% of the time.
Yes, for now you were the rebound girl. I would move on and not contact him at all.