My girl has a horrid cheating past. Do cheaters change?

My girl just confessed she had cheated on every one she had ever been with... this comes to my knowledge after we got engaged. I funny know if I can trust her. She says the other guys deserved it... how long till I "deserve" it?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Sweetie, you have probably heard this saying throughout your life: Once a cheater, always a cheater. And the one: A zebra doesn't change its stripes. She is most likely no exception to the golden rule.
    I say this, because everyone who has cheated, Always has some motive, whether it is Just in them to cheat on Pete, or not ready to settle down with any clown or----being vindictive towards their current cutesy for something he or she---"deserves."
    Another wise old saying my mom always taught me: Nothing in life is ever guaranteed but death and taxes. And the same holds true to life in this situation.
    Although you are engaged in one respect, doesn't mean you are hooked at the hip in another, and even if roped and ring tied, that is also never a "until death do you part" for sure Better or---worse. She could Find any reason for just slipping out one nite, and it could be just for the silliest thing: A fight over who should take out the garbage.
    Do some serious soul searching before you get Really Into something you may find hard to Slip out of in the future.
    I am not saying it Would happen to you, but if it would, it could be After you are married that----you Could "deserve" it. xx

    • Very good advice. Thanks

    • Thanks, an dgood luck.. You seem the type of guy who really does---deserve the very best, and much too classy a guy to put up with any "non class" act. xx

What Girls Said 16

  • That is a red flag in my opinion. You are completely correct in your line of thinking.

    How long until you "deserve it"? And what constitutes as "deserving it"? Not giving her enough attention? Not coming home on time?

    WTF is the reason for her to say that to you? It is a very immature, vindictive, and odd thing to say to your fiance none the less.

    That sounds like a WARNING or a promise to me.

    • She said her first husband ignored her for 8 months but she was faithful for 13 years before that. She cheated on one guy because she caught him taking pictures of topless women (but he was a photographer for a band so it was kinda his job) another one because she thought he was cheating on her, and another one because he wasn't giving her what she wanted so she went looking elsewhere. The before her ex husband she said it was all high school and that's just the way it was.

    • So instead of working these problems out and/or leaving the relationships, she simply cheats, and then warns you about it? I don't think you should walk down that isle, unless you can deal with her cheating.

    • so... how many ex-husbands does she have? She seems to have some kind of complex.

  • : / It wouldn't be in your best interest to trust someone who shamelessly, boldly, unapologetically has a record of cheating. Some may say "the past is the past: it's irrelevant". bullsh*t. The past is what defines you. The past is what reveals the keys to your personality. The past is the most significant factor of who we are today. And her past reveals that she has no moral compass. You simply cannot trust someone who does not make a clear distinction between what is right and wrong. Point blank period. You cannot trust someone who abandons a sense of integrity and ethical choices for her own selfish wishes.

    The fact that she's done this not once, but with every single guy she has been with speaks volumes. I think you should get out before you get too emotionally invested.

    • Unfortunately it's way too late for that. Our wedding is in two months. We have been together going on 4 years

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    • Seriously: break off the wedding.
      Think long term. Becoming a husband means making sacrifices. Many times, it means sacrificing parts of yourself that would have flourished if you weren't married. It means vowing to make them a priority and fully build your life around them. You don't just do that for someone with a record of being shady with no morals. It is, no doubt, one of the biggest life choices you can make for yourself. This marriage is going to dominate your lifestyle.

    • It is extremely crucial that you do not get married to someone who has a high potential to cause you a lot of grief. Please do not set yourself up for a very painfully disappointing situation. The choice is yours, but there are men in your situation , minus the knowledge, who end up being miserable because their fiancĂ© was so misleading up until they tied the knot.

  • Omg run.

    Also, why did she just NOW tell you this? :/ Waiting til being engaged seems like a weird time to admit that she selfishly cheated on all these guys. She justified such bad behavior and that's what makes it so alarming.

    • She said she told me because she wanted to be totally honest with me before we got married. I wish I was still blissfully unaware because this really bugs me.

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    • Wow I never thought of that. She didn't take responsibility at all but did just blame the guys. I told her if she ever had the urge to chat on me to just leave me because once I find out we are over anyways.

    • Well the thing here is that you don't know if deep down she really wants to change that behavior. But it's a bit telling of her personality if she's taking no responsibility for her actions and just pinning it on the guys. There is no excuse for cheating, no matter how ridiculous the situation someone is in. You end things if you think you're going to end up cheating.

  • How much do you like her?

    Sure, she is high risk, but maybe you are the first guy who has ever treated her right.. that she has ever truly liked..

    But, yes, she is high risk.

    Is she worth the risk to you?

    I think, before you move forward, you should talk to her about a pre-nupt in case of infidelity. She has confessed to you, if she thinks she has changed, this shouldn't be a problem.

    • I love her with all my heart and soul... but the prenuptial sounds like the way to go. This just really caught me off guard.

  • I believe that if it was a one time cheating experience under very specific circumstances, they will not cheat again. I say this because when I was 16/17 I was a bit of a lush and was black out drunk and hooked up with a guy I guess (don't remember it) therefore cheating on my crazy and controlling bf at the time. Not trying to play the blame game... I made my own bed. Many years later, I'm approaching 23 and have never cheated again. I also stopped drinking shortly after that experience and got up the courage to leave him. It's awful and I regret it everyday. But I'm just trying to show you that people can change and it's important to keep an open mind because some people go to great lengths to change who they are and mend the past.

    This situation demonstrates habit, though, and the fact that she waited so long to tell you is troublesome. It was almost like she knew she had you hooked, so she put those cards on the table. Really, none of us know her so none of us can definitively tell you whether or not this behavior will repeat itself with you. And you're right, how long until you "deserve it". Answer is, you don't know. She may find a stupid reason, any reason really. And do you want to live with that kind of pressure knowing that one wrong move could bring you there? That's too much to have to live with. You have to ask yourself if you really know her and is it worth the risk. Only you can make that call. Voice your concerns, and if she attacks you and turns it into being YOUR FAULT, then you know something is wrong because that is another HUGE red flag. Do you really want to go into a marriage with that fear?

    Bottom line- keep an open mind but do not sweep this under the rug. Try and open those lines of communication, "Hey it kind of bothered me when you said." And just try to hear her out. If she won't hear you out, there you go.

    Best of luck!

    • We had that conversation and she told me that we have something special that she would never jeopardise in any way. She asked me not to judge her on her past. She said that I'm the best thing to happen to her and even though she cheated in the past it won't happen with me.

      I don't know what to think. She is aware that I think cheating is despicable and if I'd ever catch her we would be over instantly no second chance.

  • I have noticed something with people that has cheated before. The usually tend to get worried that you will cheat on them (even if you are 100% committed). They always feel insecure when you are around the opposite gender and freak out for the little things (paranoid).
    They are scared to be hurt even if they have hurt someone in the past. So they don't really change, because it hunts them rest of their lives. It define them.

    How long have you guys been together?

  • So if she finds something disagreeable about you, then she's going to find another guy to unload her stuff on?

    Serial cheaters do not change their spots.

  • In my limited experience cheaters never change.

  • People say "once a cheater always a cheater"
    But that's not always the case. You have to ask yourself based off of the info she has told you, is she worth it.

  • wow the fact that she told you is her way of warning you.. if she really cared about you and the relationship
    she would have never told you because she actully cares about your trust,,, and she said EVERY guy , i mean what makes you diffrent right?

    • My thoughts exactly. She spilled her past to me and told me a lot of things I wish I didn't know.

  • Every person can change if they 100% want to. Although I think cheating is a horrible thing and I would never stay with a person who cheated on me, it is also in her past and hopefully thats where it will stay, in the past.

  • Nobody "deserves" to be cheated on.

  • People can change. Everyone can good for the good or for the bad.

    • Everyone can for the good or for the bad is what I meant.

  • Personally I don't think cheaters change. Especially in this case if she's cheated every guy. Regardless if she likes/ or loves you there's a chance she'll be tempted to do it just because she's use to it, Like a habit. Honestly I wouldn't tell nobody if I cheated that I was trying to get with or like. I'd be to scared of what they'd think or wouldn't want anything to do with me.

    • These are my thoughts and exactly what I'm worried about.

  • For me... once a cheater, always a cheater.
    Will they definitely cheat on EVERY partner? Perhaps not. But it's FAR more likely than if they'd never cheated before. Once you've crossed that line, it's easier and easier to cross that boundary again.
    I have NO patience for liars and cheaters. I want nothing to do with those kinds of people.


What Guys Said 13

  • Her personality is that of a very selfish person, where her own happiness is justification to do anything.

    People like this often do one or many of the following:

    - Give excuses or justifications when they are caught red-handed while: stealing, cheating, lying.
    - Deny any wrongdoing, even when it is blatantly obvious.
    - Blame others or reverse the situation to point the finger at the accuser.

    In domestic situations, people with your girlfriend's personality will often do the following:
    1. In divorces, they will try to take as much as possible and avoid a "fair" distribution of the resources in a relationship.
    2. In arguments, her sentences will often start with "You never...". For example: You never wash the dishes (the term "never" is unlikely to be true. "Infrequent" may be more accurate.
    3. If you ever catch her cheating, she will deny it to the very last possible moment. Then, when there is no avoiding the truth, she will blame you for it because you are "not romantic" or "not loving" or "don't buy me roses anymore", or whatever you can think of.

    • I forgot to address your main question, which is "can they change".

      Almost all of the time, the answer is "NO". They cannot.
      This behavior is integrated in their personality and thinking. It is like asking a "nice guy" to become the biggest douchebag in the world. They just can't do it, even if asked to.

      On the other hand your girl is naturally selfish. Her primary concern is for herself. I'd watch out if I were you. This decision will impact your happiness for life

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    • My mom always says "you never..." and "you always.." when she's fighting with my dad. But she never cheated, nor did anything inappropriate with another man. Some women tend to get more dramatic and use the words never and always to emphasize things according to their emotions. It doesn't have anything to do with cheating.

    • Daph81

      The "you never" statements are not an indication of a cheater.

      I said they are an indication of a selfish person. People who cheat tend to justify their behavior as if they were entitled to cheat. They will use statements like "You never do xyz for me".

      However, people using those kinds of statements are not necessarily cheaters. They may still be selfish.

      People who are self-aware avoid using such blanket statements, realizing they are inflammatory and destroy relationships.

  • Well that is the exact question here. She is rationalizing her cheating behavior by trying to blame the innocent people she cheated on. Girls like this are bad news. You can have an argument with someone who thinks that way and suddenly she'll be shoving another guy's dick in her. Great logic right?

    Now if you marry her, she can potentially make out like a bandit after cheating on you.

    • This is more of my worries.

  • No one on here will really know her as well as you and will be able to answer as well as you, only say what is more likely.

    Cheating is wrong and justifying it because a person deserves it says something about her morals. Two wrongs don't make a right, but in this case it seems as though they do to her. Justifications like this are disasterous for any relationship.

    My advice would be to actually see if she thinks what she did was wrong and if necessary try to make her see how it was wrong. If she really thinks she was justified, there is an EXTREMELY high chance that she will eventually cheat on you. It's just the statistical truth.

    • She knows its wrong but she justified it all. Maybe just to make herself feel better but who knows.

    • If she justifies it then in her head it is not wrong, even if she says she thinks it was wrong. A person shouldn't cheat even if someone cheat's on them, it's just sinking to their level. Try giving her this opinion and observe her reaction to it. That should tell you a lot.

      All I can tell you is that she is very high-risk, but that doesn't mean she will 100% cheat on you.

  • She isn't showing any sign of remorse and believes her behavior is justified, so I'd say you're walking a very thin line with her.

    It's tough to predict when it will happen but I suspect that she isn't very resilient when relationships hit a rough patch. Be wary then.

    • That's a big worry that came to my mind

  • That's the think about people and relationships/cheating. We will ALWAYS justify why we are doing what we think we deserve. At some point in her past relationships she was able to justify cheating on them to herself with that very statement. "The deserved it", and that could be for a large number of reasons. You have to look at it from a logical point and remember women are creatures of emotion

    • Thanks that's good advice

  • Since she has cheated multiple times, on multiple people, I just have three words for you... cut and run.

  • 99% of the time no

  • Don't worry, soon enough she'll explaining to the next guy why you were such an evil jerk and deserved being cheated on, lmao. Dump her and get a faithful woman!

  • From my experience they don't, to elaborate my girlfriend of two years did the same, although she never cheated on me (I feel I ended it before she got the chance) she always acted around the occasional guy in an inappropriate way. I don't think it's impossible though, I just see the reason as her telling you, she may feel it's better to get it out, so far in though really doesn't make sense, it was in the past, why bring it up with you?

    I think it's a selfish move, she might be looking for some sort of comfort from you, for you to tell her it's OK, maybe she wants to see your opinion on how you feel about the subject.

    As far as I got, I think it's just immature, I mean no offence, she might not be totally aware that things like this just shouldn't be brought up, you'd expect her to want to leave it, it seems off...

    Me, personally, I wouldn't go through with it, but an engagement is different, but its vital you only get married if you feel you can stop worrying about it, don't sit there worrying yourself.

    It might be her saying "You better treat me right in the future when we marry, or ill cheat." Feels like a form of control over you.

    • I never thought about using that as a way to control me. I see exactly what your saying

  • no they dont dont fall in the trap like me man where you find yourself crawling back to them.

  • Get the hell out of there ASAP.

  • Eh it's a risk. If it's a risk you wanna take then do it. She may cheat she may not. Can't tell you she's going to change. No one can. She can't. But don't worry about it just enjoy the time you got. If it happens it happens and you'll eventually get over it. Just remember commitment is the journey not the goal. And cheating is just our innate drive to chase novelty. But to say someone can't resist the urge to chase novelty would be ridiculous. We have control over our decisions. But you don't have control over hers so just let it be known you really don't want to be cheated on and move forward. Worrying about it is not going to change her. All it's going to do is keep you unfocused and afraid on the trail rather than letting you enjoy the walk with her.

    • I've told her I will leave in a instant if she ever cheated. She swears I'm exactly what she had been looking for her whole life and would never cheat on me.

    • Then believe it. People learn and try to get better. Don't let pessimism ruin a good thing. If she cheats you'll hurt then you'll eventually get over it and move on but assuming the worst is never a good way to look at things.