Please give me some direction...I am at a crossroads?

So here goes nothing. I need some serious advice. I have been divorced from my Wife of 8 years since Sept of 2013. It has been a long and painful process but I finally feel like I am ready to get out there and move on. One of the reasons I feel this way is because of my relationship with a co worker. I met her in September of last yr and have slowly but surely fallen for her. She is everything I have ever wanted in a relationship, but she is dating someone and has been for a yr (he happens to be a friend of mine). I have hung out with her a few times outside of work and the most recent encounter led to a discussion about a hypothetical relationship between us if she was available. We both agreed that we would love to date eachother. The next day I did something I shouldn't have done, but I wrote her a long email letting her know exactly how I felt about her. I know it was selfish but I couldn't hold it in anymore. She responded and told me that if things were different for her (ie if she was single) things would be different between us but as of right now she loves her bf one way, and me in another. She said she knows that us hanging out is like playing with fire, but she still wants me in her life. She also told me that she isn't in a good place in her relationship now. Her bf is broke, lives with his parents, has no ambition, and is clinically depressed. So my question is this...do I continue hanging out with her outside of work? Do I stop all communication outside of work? Do I just focus on being a good friend in hopes that she will wake up and leave her bf? After my divorce I never thought it would be possible to feel like this for another woman but I am in love with her and I don't want to give up on this.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think the situation you both find yourselves in is very unfortunate but I also believe that, if she really felt as strongly about you as you do for her and her current bf really is as bad as she's making him out, she would act more on her feelings. She said herself that 'if things were different' you and her would be an item, as it is, they're not different and she doesn't seem to be that proactive in changing anything.

    Also consider that although you feel ready to move on, it hasn't been that long since you left a long term relationship. I would hate for you to go from one bad situation straight into another.

    If I were you I would try to get more out of her, I understand you are considerate of her feelings and relationship status, but unless you have any certainty at all of her true feelings then I wouldn't hang around. Plenty of people are in a 'bad place' relationship wise, plenty of people sort relationship problems out and plenty of people never really leave.

    I hope things work out for you, but please look after yourself emotionally!

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    • Thank you so much for the advice. I am going to try and find out wher her head is at if possible.

    • You're welcome and I hope you get some answers from her. If not you've just saved yourself more heartache. Good luck and I'm truly sorry about your divorce.

What Girls Said 1

  • She's stringing you along, exactly the way its been explained on "how i met your mother" hooked episode. Marshall did a high school classmate's homework and was her "secret boyfriend", Robin allows her pre-morning show cameraman to pamper her, and Lily's high school flame, Scooter, works at her school as cafeteria staff, where she doesn't exactly tell him that a romantic relationship is impossible. Then Ted is at MacLaren's telling the gang about this woman, Tiffany he snared using the teacup pig. She says she's really into him, but can't be with him "right now." The gang sees through her ruse, telling Ted that he's been "hooked," a euphemism for stringing someone along until they meet someone better. Tiffany goes back and forth with ted to later on he discovers she's with her boyfriend and not choosing ted. Ted also "hooked" another girl that is madly in love with him but he realize its not right and lets her go with the truth.
    Right now, you're feelings for her are valid and sound. But the problem is her feelings for you most likely is not. she's associated the lack of things (e.g. attention/admiration with her bf) to you. What you give her is just a part of what she feels..that she deep down wishes her boyfriend can fulfill. she's holding on to that hope. Meanwhile, her brain is telling her to keep you around because it helps her bare her relationship with the boyfriend. A lot of women have been through this phase. Some end up cheating on their boyfriends while others do nothing about it. A friend of mine is i that position. After years of chatting with him about it, he's finally realized that he doesn't "love" the co worker like he thought. In his exact words "i was just going through a mid life crisis, wanting to feel young again, my wife has been nothing but great and to lose her is something i cannot happen. The girl at work was just a distraction from what i really had to face: this is it"

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    • A lot of times we try to avoid/deny what we have to face. Hoping others may fulfill a gap that only we can do for ourselves. She is hoping she can feel special (whatever it the reason is) you help her feel that she's worth it and that she'll have chances/hope for a new realtionship again if she leaves her boyfriend. But its clear she won't leave her boyfriend over some "idea" (you) That is just it! People loving the idea of what it could be vs what it really is. I suggest moving along and finding someone that is ready for you. Afterall, do you really want someone with baggage?

    • Not to be a debbie downer or anything. I could give you a lsit of things to do to achieve something with her. Bu tin the long run its a waste of time. You're dealing with human nature: restlessness, insecurities, ficklness. Ask yourself, if she really liked you the way she expressed, why haven't she left? i would! truth: not enough for her to leave.

What Guys Said 2

  • 1. How old is this chick if she's dating a dude that lives with his parents?

    2. You are scheming to snag your "friend's" girlfriend. Not sure how you're rationalizing that little scenario cuz it doesn't add up.

    3. As you said, she's dating a guy with no independence, no financial stability, no ambition or career path, who has documented mental issues...and for now anyway, she's sticking with that over you.

    I don't think this ends well.

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    • ...for anyone involved.

    • 1.) She is 25. He is 30. I am 29.
      2.) Honestly I have shown nothing but restraint up to this point, and have been a friend to talk to about her relationship issues.
      3.) I have thought about this too. I assume that the thought of her leaving him scares her because of his depression and what it would do to him but I don't know for sure if that is the case.

    • Well you mentioned being friends with the guy she's dating. The whole thing just sounds...risky at best. Given the fact you've already experienced a failed marriage, with long term effects, I think you're better off not pursuing a situation as messy as this.

  • she is just stringing you along man. your best bet is to move on

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