How can I lower her self esteem?

My fiancé is a total bitch, I'm not a asshole or anything but I need to deflate her ego, she knows I won't leave her and I love her deeply, it will be devastating if we broke up I'll probably have a nervous breakdown. She's been hurt before so I'm basically the nice guy she takes all her anger out on and I want to help her what can I do?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Oh my, it sounds like you both need some counseling. I not sure but it sounds like a co dependent relationship, and the two of you don't even like each other. You might love each other, but you don't like each other and liking someone is more important in the long run.

    She hurts you by being a bitch, and you want to hurt her by lower her self esteem. Not good.

    Maybe time apart would help your relationship, like a separate vacation if possible. It won't hurt.

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What Girls Said 12

  • "I am not an asshole" "My fiance is a total bitch and I need to lower her self-esteem".
    Right.Then you claim that you're a "nice" guy. I am sorry, but that doesn't sound nice to me. That's exactly what an asshole would do and that's a sign of a toxic relationship.
    A relationship is not a competitive battlefield. Your partner should be your beloved ally NOT your enemy.

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  • What can you do to deflate her ego?
    Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself.
    Put her in her place.

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  • Oh, hon, why would you want to be with someone that treats you that way? I used to think that about my ex husband, that he would never leave me. Boy...did I find out the hard way. It wasn't that I had a big ego, I just honestly thought as much as he would always claim to love me and never question me or fight back when I was being a bitch, I thought he wasn't going anywhere. Then he did, and it made me really look at how mean I had been and expected him to just take it and say nothing. I took notice when he started fighting back, not "fighting" but standing up for himself and saying to me things like "ok, I get that you're pissed, but don't take it out on me." Or, "you don't have to yell at me just because you're mad at the world" and I started to notice that he was fed up, but it was already too late...he had met someone else and moved on. But, you shouldn't let yourself be treated that way. If you really love her and don't want to give her up, then you need to seriously talk to her about why she takes her anger out on you...and that you don't like it and that it has to stop. If it doesn't and she isn't willing to change or take a deeper look...please let her go and find someone who will be as good to you as you are to them. Good luck.

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  • Here is what you're saying: "How can I break my fiancé's psychological well-being so that I can feel that she and I are equals? How can I break her do she and I have to stay together because my identity is wrapped up in our relationship and will lose myself completely if we break up. So though I love this girl, I want to psychologically degrade her, so that I can feel secure in my relationship with her. But that's okay because I love her.

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    • What should i do?

    • Well, you should get counseling and see why you think this is an okay way to approach a relationship. You should end things with her and move on. I don't know how she is, but, you both are in an unhealthy relationship and it needs to end and you both need to work on yourselves.

  • I think you need to raise your self esteem in order to fix this situation. The fact that she knows "you will never leave her" gives her a free pass to treat you any way she wants. Is there no boundary she can cross that will make you want to leave her? If not, you must realize that you have more value and deserve to be treated right by whoever you are with. Also, you have to stand up for yourself in order for her to know she's crossed the line. She may not know that how she's treating you is really bothering you.

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  • And so lowering her self esteem solves this? That sounds sick to me, because you think for you to feel okay with her she has to feel low down on herself and desperate? Wow. I've always suspected that many men try to do this but hearing it from the horse's mouth is another.

    I think we should pause and consider both sides here... why is she a bitch? I think it's more to do with what's going on with YOU versus just the easy way out blaming it on her past.

    I have not taken shit on out a man unless he was mistreating me. So what's going on?

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    • She says she's been hurt before plenty times and that stops her from fully loving me, I do all I can to feed her ego and boost her self esteem but that make her treat me worst. She isn't fully over her ex who can care less if she lives of dies, she was a piece of meat to him. I think she wants a asshole to begin with.

    • Maybe she just needed more time before she rushed to date again? And if that's her sole cause for being this way, it's not fair to you. I think that she needs to find a way to HEAL but you can't be expected to tolerate abuse while she does.

  • you say you're not an asshole yet you call your fiance a bitch and you want to lower her self esteem. leave her.

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  • You can't help her unless she wants to help herself. Sounds like she is actually super insecure vs. having a big ego. She is over compensating and it seems she is trying to intimidate you so that you won't end up hurting her. Can you really see yourself dealing with this FOREVER? Maybe you should consider marriage counseling before the marriage. Some couples need to do that, but normally those couples end up divorced. If you're not right for each other in the beginning what do you think marriage will change?

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    • I understand that and I want her to be able to love me the same way I love her. She's been used and abused and I'm the guy who's the total opposite I treat her like a queen and she eats it up.

    • I understand it is normal to make excuses for our SOs, but how long can she play that card. And - clearly you're unhappy or you wouldn't be asking the above question.

  • LOL. It sounds like you need to raise YOUR self-esteem...

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    • We both have low self esteem I just don't won't to leave

    • *want

  • Everything before and after "I'm not an asshole or anything" is contradicting it.

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  • tell her. "you are ACTING" like a bitch. and u need to stop pronto or you can't stand there by yourself. even if you don't mean it. you have to be firm. give here a day to let it sink in then call her and tell her you love her, but you're not a punching bag or an emotional dump.

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    • I can't see myself with no one else it's like she takes advantage of that and the fact I'm so nice to her. Do some women just want the bad guy?

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    • No it's the fact that when we met she was stuck on her ex who treated her like shit it's like she can give a damn If I stay or leave.

    • well "act like you're leaving" even if you have no intentions to. you have to sell it and see how she reacts and you'll know how she feels.

  • If you love her then you would show her compassion. If you want her to stop being egotistical than don't talk to her ego. Don't feed the ego. Those are good times to just practice listening when you don't want to.

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    • I show compassion Im basically a total sweetheart to her, I'm romantic, I do anything for her but she's so use to the assholes, is that what she really wants?

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    • Maybe she has trouble committing. 6 months for some can be a serious turning point. You can try asking her what she hopes to gain from acting out.

    • But keep in mind, love is a two way street Mr. Nice guy

What Guys Said 10

  • I think you need to work on you, because you seem very consumed on her. infact you may seem so consumed you allow her to be a Total Bitch ( as you stated to You) to you and you plan to marry her.
    continually being the sponge ( absorbing her anger) will not help any future life with her or your own self esteem..

    so the best answer I believe is you need to work on how to increase your own self esteem and not be an emotional punching bag. (sorry)
    if the roles were changed and you were a chick and her fiancé was doing this all the ladies would say dump the jerk!

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  • Well the worst thing you can do is to damage her self-esteem. I can't believe you would actually ask how you could best do that, in regard to somebody you supposedly love and want to marry. If she is a total bitch, why do you want to marry her? I don't blame you for not wanting to be the punching bag for her emotional baggage, but attacking her self-esteem isn't going to help her or you. Are you sure you and she are right for each other? Because if you're not, now's the time to realize it.

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    • I want to marry her because she beautiful and the best I ever had I never cared for any other female and she's the one I opened up to.

  • You need to stop being an asshole :D

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  • Communicate with her; if you're engaged, you need to communicate, lest you live in slient Hell the rest of your life. Tell her how you feel and how it affects your feelings for her. If she doesn't straighten up, give her some time out to think about how she's treating you; if she doesn't come back with a better attitude, you just saved yourself from a lifetime of abuse.

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  • LMAO if she's a bitch when she knows that, there is only 1 way you can avoid a miserable life. Do not marry her.

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  • You are an asshole and everything. If she's a total bitch, break up.

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  • Hers doesn't need to be lowered...yours needs to be raised!!

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  • Dump her. Clearly you are the one with self esteem issues if you are putting up with that attitude. By dumping her, you will teach her she isn't as great as she thinks she is.

    If you aren't going to dump her, then stop putting up with her crap and start standing up for yourself. Don't let her know she has any power over you at all. If she threatens to leave you, then help pack her stuff. The real trick here is you have to be ready for the possibility of losing her. Getting dumped is a sure fire way to lower someone's self esteem.

    Women over think everything. Even just mentioning women she knows seem nice after you meet them can cause women to have problems. Just give her an opportunity to over think about something without actually saying or doing anything wrong. This way you won't be the bad guy, no matter how much she tries to twist it that way.

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  • A) Why sink to her level?
    B) Why are you with a person that appears to have no respect for you whatsoever?

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    • I can't find better

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    • I feel like I'm already there like I said I feel like I want to die any time we break up. She's the only one I loved, I had a few chicks before this one I just instantly fell for.

    • It's hard but I feel you should walk away and start a new chapter in your life. But whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

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