Cheap dates? Your thoughts? Am I too harsh?

I've gone on two dates now with the same guy, I kept an open mind because he seems nice. First date we met at a coffee shop, where we ordered water and an additional cuppa for myself. Thinking the second date will be better, I find myself in the same situation, same coffee shop waiting for him to other something when he still came back with water. Here's me thinking Chinese food would be nice. I haven't had anything to eat on both dates mind you.

I have turned down his request for a third date after telling him to put in some effort. I don't want to go on a cheap coffee date but I have found so many ways to tell him without saying it rude to his face and not to appear rude.

Even if he appears that he's just getting by, you know financially but I can't ask him that! Can I?

So am I too harsh? Or is it just still nervous after two dates? Or he's just a cheap ass that I need to cast away?

Please advice


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's a little odd that you guys went of back-to-back coffee dates, especially with that being the only activity. I can see why variety would be nice.

    And it's a little odd that he never ordered anything for himself either time.

    With all of that said...

    I'm personally a big believer in the idea that the person is what makes the date, and not the activity (or more to the point: the cost of the activity). If it were me, I'd base my decision to go out with him again on whether or not you had fun together, and whether or not there's some attraction there.

    Telling him to put in some more effort and talking about him as though he's a cheap ass does seem pretty entitled and rude, to be honest I'd reconsider that type of thinking if I were you.

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    • I haven't said anything to him yet, that's why I want advice. I like him though.

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    • Yay... I've just invited him to a cinema. He's all up for it... But do I pay, not to appear like an idiot. You know. A movie and nandos afterwards? Sounds good?

    • I would make a genuine attempt pay, especially since you've invited him.

      Sounds like a fun date and I hope you guys have a good time! :-)

What Guys Said 10

  • Make suggestions to him of three reasonably price dates like, diner and a movie, the park and a picnic, a small restaurant. He may just be nervous, but when you make the suggestion and make him pick from three that aren't a coffee shop he may feel more comfortable choosing rather than having to decide by himself where you go.

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  • You need to step up and make the next call. He's making all the moves, you're giving him little to no feedback and you're not even stepping up. This lack of communication and your lack of willingness to take the initiative are what's wrong with this picture, not the coffee shop.

    Yes, it's cheap. Having water at a coffee shop is very cheap. But you're complaining as if you have no say in the matter. You do have a say, and I'm not referring to "yes" or "no". Come up with a plan and make it happen. If this doesn't work out, just know that it wasn't all his fault. This might sound crazy, but he doesn't know everything that's going on in your head. Communicate.

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    • Thanks for the advice. It's just that this will be my first experience in any kind or form of dating. I don't want him to see me like some money grabbing idiot by suggesting things or places he can't afford. I like to go cinemas or just even the park will be fine.

    • You can have reasonable expectations without being a money grabber. Watching a movie is par for the course. If he can't make that minuscule sacrifice for the sake of a girl he wants a future with, he's not ready to have a relationship based on his physiology.

      Go ahead and ask. I somehow doubt he's that broke.

  • There is a a happy medium, maybe he doesn't know where to take you. If he wants to go out with you again, why not suggest you go out for dinner. If he is standing there dumbfounded at the menu maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. This could be one of those guys that is really really indecisive. Mind you you shouldn't expect to get fed everytime you go out on a date. I've had some girls take advantage of that one. But at the same point you might want to see where the guy is coming from. Though he might be a cheap skate, or he might want to make sure you aren't there to get what you can out of him, then again you could be a terrible person who is only out to get what she wants. (Im kidding about the last part)

    Point is suggest a different meeting place, see if he goes for it. If he says no, then ask why. at least you will know.

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    • I've never been on dates before and this is a first. I really don't go out so what you hear from friends sounds strange now that you're in it. I have a better job than he does or he may just be playing it down hence my open minded ness. I want to go to cinema, parks, see stars. Mind you, I love my food and I'm not a salad eating girl but I don't want to overdo it and look like some money grabbing whore. He's shy and quiet and very good looking in a geeky way that I like.

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    • I suggested a movie, he's all up for it.

  • Since men will be paying for dates they ask women out on, coffee dates are generally a way for a man to get to know a woman and talk without breaking the bank, in case it's obvious after meeting that the two are completely incompatible. I used to take women out to fairly nice dinner places for first dates, but after learning my lesson that not everyone you go out with will be someone you care to see again, I started choosing coffee as the first place to go.

    It kind of does sound like you're focusing more on the date itself than the person you're out with, but, that said, I personally wouldn't take a woman out for coffee twice.

    In my experience (and through testimony from others) I also find that taking a woman early on to a place that's either too expensive or too fancy can leave a woman wondering "what does he expect from me?" So that's another reason I'll take a woman to coffee on the first time out, I figure it's kind of a win-win.

    Another option, if you were really into the guy, is if he suggests the same coffee date again, say something like "actually, why don't I take us out to [still fairly cheap place but one that you would like better]". You pay that one time (or go dutch), and if he still doesn't get the hint and asks you out to the same coffee again, suggest "maybe we could go to a different place this time." Or just leave it be and go your separate ways.

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  • I never offer coffee date for women I am REALLY interested in. Maybe if I am quasi-interested? But I generally dont ask out women I dont think I could be crazy about. Whats the point in that? I am more traditional and if I really like a girl I want to show her a nice time and separate myself from the pack who is offering boring coffee dates.

    You dont have to break the bank to show a lady a nice time. Coffee date is uninspired and unoriginal choice. Blah... boring!

    ... that in my opinion is more reason to move on than labeling him cheap. You dont know his financial situation. He could be loaded, he could be broke... you dont know. What you do know is that he doesn't put much thought into his date ideas. Just a sign of how thoughtful/creative he may (or may not) be IMO.

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    • I don't judge others, I'm only asking as I'm very new to dating compared to what I've read or heard. I'm not after his wallet either as I enjoyed both dates, I just wasn't sure if this is just testing the waters or he may be serious.

  • well its just dating and its only been 2 dates so I think you still have a lot of room to ask all the curious questions you have without much negative repercussion. just talk it out:D

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    • Thanks, he's very shy and quiet too

  • I would at least offer the girl to eat some chinese noodles and walk around to get some change in all that. sounds boring to get to 1 place all time

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  • did you pay?

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  • Let him go so he can find a girl who cares about him and not his wallet.

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    • Why do you jump to conclusion? I'm not after his wallet. I'm just asking your opinion on what dates are like. This is so different from what my friends talk about and I'm new to this. Please don't jump to conclusions.

    • Cheap coffee dates are ideal for people who are just starting to date. It's ridiculous to expect him to buy you a three course meal just to get to know you.

    • Ok thanks... my roomies aren't very helpful plays I don't judge people. At least I know what to expect now. I haven't actually said anything to him because I enjoyed these dates and I needed a males' input.

  • So, if the guy doesn't wine and dine you in style he gets turned down?

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    • No it's not like that, there must be other places like the park or cinemas. I've never been on dates before. This is a first, that why I'm asking

    • "Or he's just a cheap ass that I need to cast away?"
      Sounds really nice, doesn't it?

    • Thanks for pointing that out, it's a typo. I meant turn away. But it's definitely not nice. I wouldn't want someone to say that about me.

What Girls Said 6

  • If you like him, I don't really see the problem? I understand that you don't want this to become a routine since that would be boring, and I understand that you want him to put some more effort into it. But at the same time, does he really HAVE to spend a lot of money on you in order for you to feel special or some other bullshit?
    If you had fun with him, and you really like him, keep going out with him. But next time, maybe YOU should take the initiative and choose the place/activity.

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  • If you're looking for someone who will pay for everything and take you to expensive places then you have the wrong guy. Find someone else

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    • As I have put in my comments in other posts below. I'm just asking an honest question that I'm not very experienced with here. I'm very new dating of any form and it's very different from what you read, watch or hear from friends. Thanks for taking time to respond. If it's money, I've got money and don't wait on a guy. I'm just checking if this is what real dating

    • I know and I'm saying thst this guy won't be taking you out to nice places. The first few dates are so important, it's when he wants to impress you and he's not making any efforts to take you to nice places. And if he's not doing thst on the first few dates then he won't ever do thst. It's just not who he is.

    • Sorry for the typos. I don't know why that is always misspelled lol. Sorry!

  • I wouldn't say that it's the "cheapness" that's a problem but rather his lack of creativity. My boyfriend didn't have much when we first started dating but he always made an effort to make things fun. He'd take me out to local concerts, picnics, hiking, etc. Being on a budget doesn't give him an excuse to not put any effort into cool dates. I mean he took you to the same place for both dates... seriously?

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  • So he asked you out for coffee and then only came back with water? Did he even ask what you wanted to drink? That's a little bit weird.

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  • Maybe he doesn't want to spend big money on a girl he doesn't know it'll last with. With your ungrateful ass it probably won't to.
    If you're his girlfriend, maybe you deserve something, but right now, you're just some girl he's getting to know.
    Why don't you take him somewhere you like to go if his places aren't up to scratch? That's actually you take him, not you show him it and he pulls out his wallet.
    I hope you make decent money though, because there's nothing worse than a broke ass bitch who thinks she deserves a rich man spending big money on her

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    • I'm just asking a question and no need to rude. I'm not ungrateful and I enjoyed both dates thanks. I've not dated before and this feels different from what I hear from friends. Im just asking if this is what dating is. If I knew anywhere I'd have suggested it. So I'm looking for romance not money I've got that. But thanks for the advice, I like jazz though. Maybe I'll take him instead

    • I apologise, I just took the question the wrong way I guess, because there are plenty of girls like that.
      Most of what you hear from friends is crap tbh, you can't judge their experiences with yours, because it's always different.
      You shouldn't take it as a bad sign he's going slowly, it's a good thing. He'll probably build up to bigger dates as you get to know each other.
      You could definitely suggest somewhere though, he'll probably be happy the pressure wasn't on him this time round. A jazz bar would be really nice, and very different from before, so you'll get to see each other in a different light.
      It's summer time now to, so there are tons of places to go where you can enjoy the weather and get to know each other.
      Good luck with him, and again, my apologies for jumping to conclusions about you.

    • Thanks

  • Some guys just can't afford to go on big dates. Also he might be thinking that he doesn't want to waste his money on someone who might not stick around. I had an ex like that, never bought me anything on the first few dates but after a few months he bought me basically anything I wanted that was in his price range. Give him a couple of chances or ask him on a date and you pay because it would show him what you think a real date is.

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    • Thanks... oh ok

    • I'm not trying to be offensive saying about him not wanting to waste his money, I just mean that maybe things are tight and that he wants to see if you are willing to still be with him without money being a factor, or it being important that you go out on expensive dates.

    • I understand, I don't know how it works hence the question. What my friends talk about are so totally different from what I'm experiencing. I'm not looking for expensive dates either, that doesn't matter to me. Money is not a factor, I'm not a money grabbing idiot and I understand how hard it's earned. But I'm think of inviting him to watch a movie or something

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