I have too many flaws to be dateable, but they aren't obvious. I feel guilty and trapped. What should I do?

I'm not a very high-value partner, but I look ok and have good social skills, so some people still express interest. If I go out with someone, I feel guilty because I'm leading them on that I'm an ok person.

My biggest issues are that I struggle with mild, but definite mental illness and I think my ex gave me an std, but I'm having trouble getting diagnosed definitively.

So... Both make me very low value, but I don't want to express this to everyone I meet. I feel trapped in these circumstances.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • No offense here dear, but if you aren't laying your cards out on the table ahead of time then you are just doing this to yourself. It also will weed out guys that just want to get in your pants. The STD thing is important. Did he give you herpes or what? Things like this are important to discuss with people you are dating and plan to have sexual relationships with. Also consider more therapy.

    Most of your reasons for being low value are things that can be dealt with. However if you are just going to revel in your short comings you are never going to be happy.

    The whole thing with kids? if you want kids then you can go to the gynocologist and find out if you can or can't have kids. Being on meds is an issue. And yes your kids can be prone to mental heath problems. But again something to discuss with your potential partner.

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    • I don't know when to reveal everything. I don't want to share personal info with strangers, but I don't want a guy to be mad that he thought I was better than I am either. Since my last breakup a year ago, I've just stayed single and deflected attention.

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    • I don't mind being single too much because I'm pretty solitary and entertain myself, but it can be incredibly isolating. What do you do since you don't date?

    • I hang out with my friends, I play video games, I go running, work out, read, do creative projects.

      Sometimes being alone is nice, but I do enjoy good company. I like meeting new people so its one of the reasons I am on this place. I have met a few nifty people, and I like to help others.

      If you want to chat or something feel free to message me.

What Guys Said 3

  • In what way would you say your anxiety and depression impact you as a partner?

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    • I don't like going on vacation/long trips. I probably can't have kids without major help. Even if I did, they'd be prone to mental health problems. I don't get too fat, but it's really hard for me to stay ideally thin on meds. Stuff like that.

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    • If you acted like you wanted a family then for married and said no that would be misleading.

      From what you've said I think you're capable of being a good - girlfriend- which is kind of all you're suggesting.

    • You don't think not wanting to do things like fly is a deal breaker? My ex bf really raked me over the coals for that.

  • Well what does mild mental illness mean?

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    • Problems with anxiety and depression. They don't ruin my life, but they do effect it and I take meds.

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    • I don't know. My ex bf was really hard on me about it. He said all that, but in the long term he resented me and left me for someone else. I don't know how to find other people with similar problems who are more forgiving?

    • I don't have anything in common when it comes to that with my girlfriend, i just accepted her that way because i fell in love with her. The road has been hard at times but patience is key with something i can't really understand. The only thing she ever did was tell me right away all her flaws, and as i was falling in love i didin't care. Haha... now my love for her gives me the patience i need for her. One guy isn't the whole world. Just put yourself out there, and expect to find jerks, but hope for the best.

  • How are you having trouble getting diagnosed with an STD?

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    • I swear I have herpes, but it's actually kind of difficult to accurately diagnose. So officially, it's no... But no sometimes means yes.

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    • I agree that one of my struggles is to believe in the possibility of positive things.

    • I would work on fixing that, first.

What Girls Said 2

  • Sweety, you are a person. That means you have value, even someone else says you don't. I struggle with several mental illnesses, including anxiety and depression. I have Major Bipolar Disorder, SPD, and Schizophrenia, so I know what you are struggling with. I'll share with you what my father told me before he died:

    When all hope seems to be lost, take a moment to stop and think about that one thing that gave you the courage to press on. Keep in mind that which gives you strength, hope, life, and power, and the race will never end short of the line. For this is the essence that all Men share; a common force that drives them into battle and to conquer; for without hope, there can be no saving us. The folly of despair shall not keep us down, even the darkest of days, as long as we hold out for the future.

    Don't ever let anything or anybody make you feel devalued in this world, because, even though you may think very lowly of yourself, somewhere out there is a person waiting for you. Be yourself, be who God made you to be.

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    • Thanks, that is really kind of you.

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    • II always hid behind high achievement - good grades, sports, social groups, etc... It's easier to hide as a younger person because your inner life is hidden. But now I've hit a wall, plus "hiding" requires things I can't achieve individually (husband, family, etc). Who I've pretending to be has always been a sham, but its hard to let go of...

      I appreciate you opening up to me here.

    • Live your life how you see fit. Nobody can tell you otherwise. If you need somebody to talk to, I am always open to it.

  • I think everyone leads people on to believe they're a better person than they actually are. You're just doing it in a different manner, the fact that you're thinking about it and feeling guilty is already a positive sign.
    Don't over think it... The things you're keeping from others are things you're meant to vocalize at a later stage anyway, when and if things become serious.
    But 'low value' is incorrect. :) all the best

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